Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Settling In

When Roo was just a teeny tiny newborn and spent a week in the hospital, I spent the days in a constant state of wondering, "What's next?" Every day seemed to bring new issues, new challenges. We went in for jaundice, and soon discovered thick blood, then poor growth, then high H&H levels in his blood, then increased sodium output… just to name a few. We finally got everything under control and got to go home. Hallelujah!

After a few days at home, the next reality set in: "Holy moly, I have 3 children ages 4 and under! What were we thinking???" (Which is funny, because we weren't *thinking* anything—Roo came as a total surprise.) The craziness of having a newborn combined with the craziness of having a 3-year-old and almost-5-year-old was overwhelming, although I think we adjusted more easily to Roo than we did to either of the other two. Still, it took a while to get into a groove.

And we were just getting into one, when our pediatrician asked us to have some genetic testing done "just to rule out any issues down the road." Ha. Just days before our sweet baby was 3 months old, our world was turned upside down when we were told, in a rather matter-of-fact manner, that he has Down syndrome.

The next several months were a series of CONSTANT ups and downs. CONSTANT. As if the emotional turmoil of dealing with this new diagnosis weren't enough, a question was raised from his karyotype that led to additional bloodwork and weeks and weeks of waiting for answers.

"I just want to feel settled!!!" I cried out to my husband. I wanted to know a final diagnosis and be done. Move on. Live life. But then I told him, "I'm starting to realize it's not going to be settled. There's always going to be something. Delays, therapies, health issues, concerns. This is our life now."

And… OK, to some degree that's true. Therapy is a part of our everyday life. Delays are definitely present. And yeah, when he starts to sniffle and sneeze, I worry more than I did/do with the other kiddos. But I was also wrong. We are getting settled. We don't live in a constant state of worry and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is getting easier.

Of course, I say all of this less than 24 hours before we take Roo to our local Down's clinic. His growth has slowed significantly, and I'm a little bit concerned that our pediatrician doesn't have enough knowledge of Down syndrome when she advises us about what to do. So maybe we'll go in tomorrow and come out feeling unsettled all over again.

But do you know what I have learned in the past 11 months—and actually, the last 19 months, since we found out we were pregnant? I've learned that, no matter how unsettled I feel, I've got my feet on the Rock. He is firm and unchanging and won't let me fall.

He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he. –Deuteronomy 32:4

There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. –I Samuel 2:2

For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God? –II Samuel 22:32

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be my God, the Rock, my Savior! –II Samuel 22:47

For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God? –Psalm 18:31

The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! –Psalm 18:46

Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. –Psalm 95:1

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal. –Isaiah 26:4

1 comment:

Tara said...

So true. I felt that way the entire first year...just waiting for the other shoe to drop! I remember going to the Ds clinic at a year and leaving amazed that they didn't schedule us any new appointments and we didn't have to go back for 6 months. Now, over 2 years in, Down syndrome is just part of life - just not really a big deal.
I LOVE the Scriptures you posted!