Persevering

I feel like I need to preface this post... I promise you all, I have a lot more good days than bad days.  Really.  But somehow the good days just don't seem all that noteworthy.  And anyway, there's a happy ending here, so keep reading.  You know, as in, persevere through this post.  ;-)

I woke up this morning feeling... well, actually, feeling panicked.  I've been trying to get up by 6, often earlier, and today my eyes shot open when I realized it was lighter than I had expected.  It was 6:43, which meant that I needed to shower and get dressed in about 15 minutes so that I could get the kiddos up and going on time.  I managed to pull it off and breathed a sigh of relief.  I could feel a little sadness nagging at me, but I pushed it aside.

I went to wake up Lamb, and found Monkey wide awake on the floor.  Monkey, who had a HUGE weekend with no naps and late bedtimes.  Monkey, who was so exhausted that he had fallen asleep the second his head hit the pillow last night.  Monkey, who we later found out had been so sleepy and out of sorts, he had forgotten to go potty before bed, despite the many, many times we told him to.  So he was also Monkey, the boy who had peed the bed less than 10 minutes after bedtime.  And I was the mean mommy who had been very short-tempered when it happened.  :-(  So I was less than thrilled to already find him bright-eyed and ready for a new day, 30 minutes before his normal wake-up time, considering all of the things I just mentioned.

And then Lamb was whiny.  And then all three kids needed me at the same time.  And then... I don't even know what else.  But suddenly the day seemed like it was going to be too much.

Mr. Fantastic is pretty good at reading me these days, so he didn't even ask how I was feeling.  Instead he said, "Is there something in particular that has you feeling down?"

I answered, "Just the overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to make it through the day."

And you know what happened next?  He went to work.  He didn't stay and get the kids ready or take the girls (Lamb and our neighbors) to school or ask if I needed him here or anything like that.  He went to work.  And I cried.  And you know what?  Honestly, it's good that he went to work.  He needs to be able to go to work.  And to be quite honest, I know I'm pretty darn tired of myself being in a funk, so I can only imagine that he's had his fill as well.

So I got the kids ready.  And I took them to work.  And I did it without losing my temper or barking at the kids over stupid stuff (although I did bite my tongue a few times) or having any kind of a nervous breakdown.

And then I came back home, and I started to feel overwhelmed.  This is where I sometimes just get paralyzed by my depression.  I feel like there are so many things on my list that I can't possibly do them all, and it is so overwhelming that I just do nothing.  I can't find a place to start, so I just don't start at all.

But today, I was determined.  So do you know what I did?  I picked up the dirty bowl & spoon from Lamb's breakfast, and I put them in the dishwasher.  And when Roo was done eating, I put his bowl and spoon in the dishwasher.  I went upstairs, picked up a shirt out of the clean laundry, and I folded it.  And when that was done, I picked up something else from the basket and folded it.  And when that basket was done, I put things away.  And then I found something else to work on, and something else.  Every time I finished a job and I started to get overwhelmed, I thought, "I don't have to do everything, just the next thing."  And that's exactly what I have done all day.

And guess what... All of the clean laundry is folded, the washer & dryer are running, the first floor is straightened up, the kitchen is clean, and the grocery shopping is done.  And while I may not be the most chipper I've ever felt, I feel... satisfied.  Relieved.  Like it's going to be OK.

And now... I'm going to go do the next thing.