Thursday, April 28, 2011

Deja Vu

This post has gone through a few different titles... I thought about calling it "What's Your Motivation?" "It's Not about Me" or "The Green-Eyed Monster" or "What is it to you?"  or a few other things.  And then I realized that those titles sounded familiar... and then I remembered that they are the names of other posts I have written--some published, some not.  So apparently, God is having a hard time getting this lesson through my thick skull.

Ugh.  Learning and growing is painful enough to begin with--why can't I get it right the first time?

I confessed to being a procrastinator on Tuesday, and today I need to admit to another fault: I am a jealous person.  It is hard for me to see other people get what I want.  Yikes--it looks really awful right there in black and white.  What kind of a petty person am I?  But today, it happened again.  I have been working really hard for something, and I just got a very casual message from someone (and someone much less deserving, in my completely-logical-and-unbiased-and-nonjudgmental mind, of course) that made it obvious that she's having larger success with less effort.

So I started whining complaining talking calmly and rationally to God about it: "But it's not fair!"  (What, that doesn't sound calm and rational to you?)  "I am trying to serve You, Lord.  And she obviously is not--so why are You letting her be more successful than me????"  After I pouted and subsequently had to put myself in timeout, I realized that I was acting more like my 4-year-old than the 30-ish person that I am.  (I think I like 30-ish.  I'm going to stick with that one.)  And I was able to admit that my statement was a complete paradox.  How could I claim to be doing something for God's glory and yet be so upset because I was being overshadowed?

God's glory and my glory are not the same.  It's a good thing, because I don't lead that much of a glorious life.  He is glorified through the big and the small, the weak and the strong.  I may never write a New York Times bestseller, but hopefully I will touch someone's heart through this blog.  I may never sell out any arenas with my #1 hit songs. but my daughter loves to sing with me.  I may never have my own cooking show, but I keep my family well-fed.  I may never be an expert on special needs, but my son lights up every time I walk in the room.  God's glory isn't about the size of the action, but the size of the heart behind it.

Let's hope I learn the lesson for good this time... ;-)

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." --John 21:20-22

(PS Here is the last post I wrote about this passage...)


Tara said...

GREAT post! Convicting, yet favorite kind. :-)

Mike said...

Hahaha...ah, that familiar sting of truth...

I'm glad God doesn't love us for our accomplishments or lack thereof or any of that. It's nice to be hot stuff, but it's nicer to not have to can stretch and relax when the cuffs are off.

Fwiw, you definitely touch my heart and spirit when I read your blog.