Friday, August 20, 2010
It’s about time
I have come to a realization. I'm going through some tough stuff right now (No, that is NOT my realization. I'm laying the groundwork here—go with it.), but I'm realizing that I am not going to "get back at life" by eating myself into oblivion. I am not going to prove to God that He was wrong to put these things in my path by lazily refusing to take care of myself. It was worth a shot, but it seems that laying on the couch eating Oreos is not going to fix anything.
Which leads me to a question I've been asking myself lately… Why do I go into "self-destruct mode" when I need to be at my strongest? Right now I feel like many things in life are out of my control, but there are a few things I can do for myself—like go to bed early, eat right, drink lots of water, read my Bible. I'm not going to put "exercise" on that list right now because I have been trying to find time for that and it is really stressing me out right now. But I could at least push myself to be more active with my kids. Don't you love how I can just rattle those things right off? I know all the right things to do. But I'm not doing them. Instead, I'm staying awake far too late (especially considering that Roo is typically up between 5 and 6 in the morning—he often eats and goes back to sleep, but then I'm up for good), eating everything in sight, hardly drinking ANYTHING (I seriously think that I sometimes go 2 days straight without a glass of water, and maybe 1 can of pop in there somewhere.), and worrying more about keeping up on Booth & Brennan (I love "Bones" J) than what God has to say to me. (Yes, I know, it's just summer reruns now, but you get my point.)
And yes, I appreciate the encouragement from those who have told me to give myself a little grace, to give myself a break and realize that things are tough right now. But that's just my point—I'm not helping anything. Do you know that I feel the need to apologize for myself when I meet new people? I want to say, "Hi, I'm Katy. I'm sorry for the way I look—I don't plan to always look this way, but… well… it's been a tough couple of months and I've put on some weight." I don't actually do that, but I have to fight back the words. I seriously wake up in the mornings and I just don't. like. myself. This does not set the stage well for good parenting or coping or… just about anything else.
Last year I started going to counseling for depression. I stopped going shortly after I got pregnant with Roo, but that's another story for another day. Anyway, I liked a lot of things about my counselor, but she routinely recommended that I "give myself some grace." Her advice wasn't wrong—when I'm overwhelmed by depression, I don't also need to overwhelm myself with guilt about the things that I'm not getting accomplished. But sometimes I don't need someone to tell me to take it easy. Sometimes I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me to get on with life. Sometimes I need to be reminded that pushing through the crummy times will help to reduce the crumminess.
So I guess… that's what I'm doing for myself this morning. "Self," I'm saying, "get out of bed, get a shower, and get started on the day. Take control of what you can control and let go of the rest." It's time to kick myself in the butt, figuratively speaking of course. I won't be able to do that literally for another 20 pounds or so. It's time to accept where I am—with my body, with the unfinished house projects, with my Bible study—and take steps to improve it. Right? I hope you realize that it's a lot easier to type this stuff than to actually say it out loud like I mean it. But I have to start somewhere, and for now I guess I have to fake it till I make it.
That's my plan for today. Or at least for the next 5 minutes. After that I'll have to come back here and reread this post and get myself going for the 5 minutes after that.
So if you see me out somewhere—at my house, at the store, somewhere in cyberspace—could you kick me in the butt a little? Or maybe just give me a hug, that would be good too. Feel free to tell me that I look like I'm losing weight (yes, lie to me, I'm OK with that), that you're praying for me (I hope that one's not a lie!), that it's going to be OK (pretty sure that one's not a lie, but sometimes I have my doubts). But whatever you do, don't tell me to give myself a break. ;-)