Surviving

I'm realizing more and more that blogging is a form of therapy for me. It helps me to get my feelings on "paper" as it were, to organize my thoughts and share them. Maybe it's a way of lessening my burden, and maybe I even hope that in some way, my hard times might help someone else. Still, I don't want you all to think that it is constant gloom & doom around here. I'm relatively certain that there are more good days than bad. I adore all three of my children and my wonderful husband. And we're all adjusting relatively well to our new normal—in fact, if you were to ask my older children the name of Roo's diagnosis, they couldn't even tell you. I try to talk to them about it, but they are just so caught up in their own worlds loving and accepting of him, that they don't really notice or care that he's "different." That's all good stuff. So I'm sorry if that's not the picture that I tend to paint here.

Apology accepted? OK, because today I'm going to complain, so are we ready to move on? Good.

I'm having the day from hell.

It started at 5:15, which is when Roo decided that he could not wait ONE MINUTE MORE to eat. To be fair, he is a remarkably good sleeper, and started sleeping through the night at 2 months; but for the past few weeks he's been getting up to eat between 5:00 and 6:00. He goes right back to sleep, so it's not the end of the world, except for what happens next…

I feed him, go back to bed, and my weight on the mattress wakes my hubby up juuuuuuuuuuuuust enough to push his snore button. Seriously. Every. single. morning.

This morning, though, I was determined to have a good attitude. So I climbed back out of bed and ran a nice hot bath. I lay in the bathtub, read my Bible, and prayed. It WILL be a good day. It WILL be a good day. It WILL be a good day.

After my bath, I decided to make use of the quiet to make my meal plan for the week. (I like to plan out a week's worth of meals—it makes grocery shopping easier and cooking dinner much more enjoyable for me.) It was about this time that I realized I'm getting my latest dose of crazy. No, it has nothing to do with any kind of monthly cycle. When Monkey was born, I was hit with depression that knocked me off my feet. It's much more manageable now, but it still sneaks up on me. One of my key symptoms is feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks… like trying to plan a week's worth of dinners. Planning the meals and making my grocery list took me the better part of two hours. (To be fair, my family all got up about 45-minutes into it, so I was also helping the kids, talking to my hubby, etc, etc.) Meanwhile I was haunted by the dishes, laundry, and general straightening up that were supposed to get done yesterday but didn't because I spent most of the afternoon holding a fussy baby. Prioritizing is also difficult for me when the crazy hits. I was completely overwhelmed by this point, and it was only 8 AM. And here is really the problem with the rest of the day—the day itself hasn't been all that terrible, but my emotions have been out of control.

I got dressed and ready for the day, and I realized that these "crazy days" as my husband and I call them are happening more often now. They had almost disappeared when I was pregnant with Roo, and so much has happened with him, it's been hard to differentiate situational depression from… whatever the other kind is that I have. But lately they seem to be coming more and more regularly. Maybe it's time I go back to counseling, I thought. I haven't gone since right after I got pregnant with Roo. Where's the money going to come from? Who's going to watch the kids? What good is really going to come from it? I don't need a counselor, I need a live-in maid. I pushed those thoughts aside and repeated my mantra for the day… It WILL be a good day. It WILL be a good day.

I took Lamb to her kindergarten assessment, and I was left in the hall with my thoughts. Am I the only mom whose "mom guilt" reaches a whole new level when it's time for their kids to start school? Not only am I dealing with the emotions of my baby going off to school, I am suddenly wracked with guilt over the things we never got around to doing while she was little, worrying that my crappy parenting will shine through to my child's teachers and the "room moms", feeling inferior because I can't manage to be in her classroom every single week with the two boys still at home, afraid that other moms will judge me for how she dresses or how she acts or what I do (or don't!) put in her lunchbox or for letting her ride the bus or for NOT letting her ride the bus or… Well, you get the idea. These were the thoughts in my head as I waited for her to finish her assessment. I really wish I would have thought to take a darn book. It WILL be a good day, though, I told myself. It WILL be a good day.

And then while I waited, the preschool class walks by. Our local elementary school has an integrated preschool—with special needs and "develop-normal" kids (as our genetic counselor calls them)—right in the building. Cute little 4-year-olds. And at the end of the line, an absolutely adorable little boy… who has Down syndrome. It was almost more than I could take. Thank goodness there were other parents in the hallway, so I felt the need to hold it together.

Then during a quick trip to Giant Eagle, two of my coupons fell down inside the conveyer belt for the groceries. Then I noticed a bluish tint to one of the roasts we had picked up. Then I asked to redeem our "food perks" (you can earn a discount on grocery purchases) and was told we didn't have any, even though I knew that we had 4% off that was supposed to expire TODAY. By then the people in line behind me were quite through with me. I was so flustered that I didn't realize that I was missing a $2 catalina coupon that I had planned on. It was supposed to come from purchasing 20 Yoplait yogurts. I realized it later, pulled out my receipt, and found that I had managed to purchase 19 Yoplaits. Lovely. It WILL be a good day. It WILL be a good day.

I stopped by my husband's office, where he explained that he had used up our food perks two days ago because he didn't want them to expire. "Well, at least it was only a $3 mistake," he said. True, but I wouldn't have s.q.u.e.e.z.e.d. that trip to Giant Eagle into my already overloaded day if it hadn't been for that extra 4% discount. The food that I needed for dinner tonight was at Acme, where I still needed to go.

So we ran to Acme and then ran back home to get everything put away. But on the way home, I was hit again with exhaustion, impatience, and a hugely overwhelmed feeling. I absolutely could not handle going home and making lunch. We dropped our groceries off at home (putting the refrigerator/freezer items away!) and went to Burger King, where there is a play place. This time I DID grab a book, so I had something to keep me occupied while the kids played. But for some reason, I thought that The Year My Son and I were Born, a story about a mom's first year with her son who has Down syndrome, was a suitable book for me to read in public. I was wrong. I spent the whole time fighting back tears. (It is really good, though, and I highly recommend it for anyone who knows someone with a Down's child—which, ahem, most of you do. ;-) So many of the thoughts and feelings she expresses are word-for-word things that I have said, prayed, or thought.) Then poor Lamb just wanted to play on this ONE PART of the play area, but another little girl absolutely REFUSED to let anyone else come near it. The mom was RIGHT there, and was chatting quite pleasantly with me, but had NO interest whatsoever in asking her daughter to let someone else have a turn. Oh, and while we were in there, Roo pooped… and I had left the diapers in the van. I forgot to change him until we got home, at which point it was all over his belly, back, and clothes too.

So… I give up. It's not a good day. Nothing that has happened today is huge. It's more like… Chinese water torture. Little drops of water on my forehead, one at a time. Drip, drip, drip. And now I'm home, surrounded by laundry and dishes and groceries and kids with attitudes and a million other little drops. And my baby is going to kindergarten. And I am still going to have two little boys at home. And I am ready for Roo to start doing things a 5-month-old should be doing. And I'm not in a good place emotionally. Oh, and a week ago, our pastor preached on narcissism and specifically mentioned blogging, and now I am realizing just how me-centered this blog—and especially this post—really is, and I feel guilty. And it all just sucks. And I just got a very nice complimentary e-mail where someone commented on my "heart for the Lord", so now I'm feeling guilty for saying "hell" in my blog.

Yep, it's a bad day. And to be honest, the bad days seem worse with Down's in our lives. And the good days still don't seem quite as good as they could be. I wish I could tie this all up neatly with an encouragement—for your sake and mine. A silver lining, a pat on the arm to say, "Don't worry, we'll be OK." But I don't have that right now. We will be OK, I just don't feel it.

So I'm going to get my kids up from their naps (something I should have done an hour ago…………….) and just hang out with them a little bit. Maybe we'll read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. ;-) Thanks for "listening."

We interrupt this blog...

Good morning, friends.  I know I have been a bad blogging buddy lately.  My dear sweet little Lamb goes to KINDERGARTEN next week!  NEXT WEEK!  And since I spent most of the summer feeling sorry for myself and my family, it ate into our fun time.  I have spent the past several days doing all of the fun stuff I planned to do throughout the summer.  In the past week we have gone to the beach, 2 zoos, a kiddie amusement park, and a couple of friends' houses.  Also in that time, my parents took ALL THREE of my kids for over 24 hours straight so that I could get caught up on some things that have been piling up around here since Roo was born.  It has been complete craziness, and completely wonderful.

All that to say, I will be back to posting soon.  But right now, I am knee-deep in having fun with my kiddos.  I'll see you soon!

It’s about time

I have come to a realization. I'm going through some tough stuff right now (No, that is NOT my realization. I'm laying the groundwork here—go with it.), but I'm realizing that I am not going to "get back at life" by eating myself into oblivion. I am not going to prove to God that He was wrong to put these things in my path by lazily refusing to take care of myself. It was worth a shot, but it seems that laying on the couch eating Oreos is not going to fix anything.

Which leads me to a question I've been asking myself lately… Why do I go into "self-destruct mode" when I need to be at my strongest? Right now I feel like many things in life are out of my control, but there are a few things I can do for myself—like go to bed early, eat right, drink lots of water, read my Bible. I'm not going to put "exercise" on that list right now because I have been trying to find time for that and it is really stressing me out right now. But I could at least push myself to be more active with my kids. Don't you love how I can just rattle those things right off? I know all the right things to do. But I'm not doing them. Instead, I'm staying awake far too late (especially considering that Roo is typically up between 5 and 6 in the morning—he often eats and goes back to sleep, but then I'm up for good), eating everything in sight, hardly drinking ANYTHING (I seriously think that I sometimes go 2 days straight without a glass of water, and maybe 1 can of pop in there somewhere.), and worrying more about keeping up on Booth & Brennan (I love "Bones" J) than what God has to say to me. (Yes, I know, it's just summer reruns now, but you get my point.)

And yes, I appreciate the encouragement from those who have told me to give myself a little grace, to give myself a break and realize that things are tough right now. But that's just my point—I'm not helping anything. Do you know that I feel the need to apologize for myself when I meet new people? I want to say, "Hi, I'm Katy. I'm sorry for the way I look—I don't plan to always look this way, but… well… it's been a tough couple of months and I've put on some weight." I don't actually do that, but I have to fight back the words. I seriously wake up in the mornings and I just don't. like. myself. This does not set the stage well for good parenting or coping or… just about anything else.

Last year I started going to counseling for depression. I stopped going shortly after I got pregnant with Roo, but that's another story for another day. Anyway, I liked a lot of things about my counselor, but she routinely recommended that I "give myself some grace." Her advice wasn't wrong—when I'm overwhelmed by depression, I don't also need to overwhelm myself with guilt about the things that I'm not getting accomplished. But sometimes I don't need someone to tell me to take it easy. Sometimes I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me to get on with life. Sometimes I need to be reminded that pushing through the crummy times will help to reduce the crumminess.

So I guess… that's what I'm doing for myself this morning. "Self," I'm saying, "get out of bed, get a shower, and get started on the day. Take control of what you can control and let go of the rest." It's time to kick myself in the butt, figuratively speaking of course. I won't be able to do that literally for another 20 pounds or so. It's time to accept where I am—with my body, with the unfinished house projects, with my Bible study—and take steps to improve it. Right? I hope you realize that it's a lot easier to type this stuff than to actually say it out loud like I mean it. But I have to start somewhere, and for now I guess I have to fake it till I make it.

That's my plan for today. Or at least for the next 5 minutes. After that I'll have to come back here and reread this post and get myself going for the 5 minutes after that.

So if you see me out somewhere—at my house, at the store, somewhere in cyberspace—could you kick me in the butt a little? Or maybe just give me a hug, that would be good too. Feel free to tell me that I look like I'm losing weight (yes, lie to me, I'm OK with that), that you're praying for me (I hope that one's not a lie!), that it's going to be OK (pretty sure that one's not a lie, but sometimes I have my doubts). But whatever you do, don't tell me to give myself a break. ;-)

What is it to you?

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"
Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." --John 21:20-22

First, some background. Jesus had just asked Peter to "feed the sheep" three times, an indirect response to Peter's three denials of Christ at the cross. Peter may not always have said the right thing, but he was no dummy. He knew Jesus' comments were because of his denials, and he wanted to take the heat off of himself. What better way to do that than to put the spotlight on someone else? He saw John ("the disciple whom Jesus loved") and said, "Hey… um… what about him?" I mean, surely Jesus wanted him to do something, since he loved him so much, right? Shouldn't we talk about how he messed up? What does he need to do? HMMMM??????

I love this passage on so many levels. First of all, Jesus' tone almost makes me laugh out loud. I can't count the number of times in a day that I get frustrated with my children and spout out, "You worry about YOU." That's essentially what Jesus is saying here. "Mind your own beeswax, Peter!" J As a parent, it's nice to know that I'm in good company with my lack of patience for this behavior. In fact…….. maybe next time I'll just say, "As Jesus would say, 'What is that to you?'" Maybe not.

But here's one of those double-edged swords. As much as I don't like to see that nosiness in my children… far too often, I am Peter. I really struggle with jealousy, friends, and yesterday the Lord hit me over the head with this passage. I got an e-mail from a friend with some news in it. It wasn't BIG news—in fact, I don't even know if "news" is the right word. It was just an update, just some information of something that they found out. It was something that I wanted for myself, for my family. It set off a jealousy that just snowballed into a major bad mood.

And God said, "Really? You're letting the day get ruined over this?" And then He said, "What is it to you?"
God has a plan for my friend and her family. God has a plan for the woman who is succeeding in ministry where I am still floundering. God has a plan for those who skinnier, richer, more popular, and more talented than I am. God has a plan for all of those families out there without special needs children.

But God has a plan for me too. When I spend my time looking at their path, envying their journey or trying to make myself feel better by looking at their flaws, I'm taking my eyes off of my own path, where Christ is leading me. I'm taking my eyes off of Him. And how can I follow Him when I'm not even looking at Him?
"What is that to you? You must follow me." Jesus said it to Peter two thousand years ago, and He has said it to me over and over again. Each of us is on a unique journey, and while they all intertwine and we have responsibilities to love and support and encourage each other, we have to recognize that we cannot walk someone else's path—so why take time away from our own lives worrying about theirs?

This experience has served as another good reminder for me as well. As soon as I started getting down and upset about this situation with my friend, this passage immediately popped into my head. I didn't have to go find a Bible dictionary and search for "jealousy" to see what God has to say. I learned this passage years ago, and God brought it to mind when it was appropriate. The word of God is "living and active" and God often uses it to speak to us. It's not only when we're physically sitting down with our Bibles and reading, it is often when we're going through a hard time—or even a great time—and God reminds us of an appropriate verse/passage/book from the Bible. But we can't remember things that we haven't learned. And we're much less likely to remember things that we haven't read in months or years. If I want to hear God speak, I need to be filling my mind with His voice, His words.

So that when I say, "But look at her!"… God can say, "What is that to you?"

So that when I say, "I don't like myself"… God can say, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."

So that when I say, "Where are you, Lord?"… God can say, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

So that when I say, "Do I even have a purpose?"… God can say, "You are part of my body."

So that when I say, "How are we going to face the future?"… God can say, "Do not worry about tomorrow."

Enjoy your journey, friends.

Look what I found!!!!

I know it's too early to be thinking about Halloween--I'm the first to complain when stores start putting stuff out way in advance for different seasons/holidays.  But I couldn't help myself.  I did some searching online today, and look what I found...

How awesome is that???  I actually blame my premature search on Babies R Us, b/c I was there the other day and they had their costumes out already.  They actually had a really cute kangaroo costume there too, but it was a mommy kangaroo w/ a baby in her pouch--does it seem wrong to put that on a boy, or is it just me?  But HOW COOL would it be to have the "real" Roo costume?

Now if only I could talk my hubby into a $30 costume for a then-7-month-old...

And the winner is...

Thank you all for the great lunch, snack, and organization tips!  I can't believe that my baby girl is going to kindergarten!!!  I am a little sad, but more than anything I am excited for her.  She is going to love it, and I am enjoying the "back-to-school prep" we've been doing.  :-)

And of course, as a thank you for your help, I have a gift card to give away!  The winner is......... Jennie H!  Congratulations!  You will be getting a $25 Target gift card to help with YOUR back-to-school shopping.  :-)

In other news, we had an absolutely WONDERFUL time on our trip!  I am sure I will be posting more about it, but for tonight I am supposed to be watching a movie with my dear hubby... so for now let me just share a couple of photos:

Have a great night!  See you soon.  :-)

Upping the Ante

Greetings from Niagara Falls!!!!  We arrived last night and are having an absolutely FABULOUS time.  I only have a second, but I wanted to thank you all again for your prayers for our family, AND I wanted to share one other thing with you...

I am upping the giveaway to a $25 Target gift card!!!  To enter to win, go to the original post and comment.  I am looking for tips on school lunches, after-school snacks, and organization tips.  You can get one entry for each back-to-school tip you leave.  You can also get additional entries for sharing my blog on FB, Twitter, StumbleUpon, or pretty much any social media you can think of.  :-)  Just leave a comment letting me know where you shared and you'll get entered again.

So get commenting, friends!  See you later this week!