The Heart of the Matter: Anything means ANY thing

I did it--or I should say, I'm doing it. I'm praying ANYTHING. "God, I will do anything. I will give anything."

I thought it would be scary, but it's not. It is unbelievably freeing. Because the things I've been holding onto... they're not mine to hold onto. I have been clutching so tightly onto the idea of control, when I knew deep down that I didn't have control. THAT was scary. THAT was stressful.

It has been coming slowly. I have been finding ways to simplify. I have, as you know, cut out television for the past month--and while I will probably start watching some things again in November, I am glad that I took the time off. I learned the joy of following through with a commitment that, in and of itself, isn't "important." I learned that I have developed all sorts of ways to waste time and avoid some deeper issues in my heart, and I have worked to cut those out as well. I learned that the world keeps spinning even when I miss "major" events in the lives of, well, people who don't actually exist. (And I've learned that I don't even really care nearly as much as I thought I would.)

But it's not just about TV. My heart has been softening toward my children in areas that I didn't know it was hardened. I have been gracious with my husband when I wanted to be defensive. I have said "no" to things that were good because I knew that they weren't the best for my family right now.

Slowly, I have--after almost 30 years of being a Christ-follower--been turning my life over to Jesus in all new ways.

And so it just made sense to begin praying "anything." This morning I was literally on my knees praying "anything." I can't even REMEMBER the last time I got on my knees to pray.

At first I thought God wasn't answering me, that He wasn't leading me. In her book (called Anything, if you haven't been following along in this blog series) Jennie Allen says that God started leading them immediately. Where was MY leading? I think deep down I expected to wake up in the morning and find a baby on my doorstep or check my e-mail and find a message begging our family to move to Africa. No such leading.

But He was leading. Is leading.

Jennie says, "Daily abandon would prove to be more costly than the reckless kinds of obedience."

And this is it. This is where He is leading me. In the day-to-day dying to self. When I pray for God to change my husband's heart about something, and He says, "Why don't we change yours?" When I think my plate is already full, and Lamb announces, "Mommy, guess what! I volunteered you to be in charge of my fall party at school!" When someone gets upset over something that I did--something that I thought was good and helpful--and God whispers, "Just say, 'I'm sorry.'"

ANYTHING doesn't mean "any big thing." It means anything. Big or small. Letting go of being right. Letting myself be inconvenienced. Being gracious when I feel I have been wronged. Being patient when I want a few minutes to process and my kids just.won't.stop.talking.

Will there be big things? I think so. I hope so--with a hope that is both excited and a little anxious. But right now, anything means going through my day with my hands open, not holding onto an illusion of control or an idea of entitlement.

God, I will do anything.

The Heart of the Matter: Snacking on Sacrifice

Or... "The One in Which I am Embarrassingly Honest"

What is sacrifice? To quote the dictionary, "the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim."

But if I'm honest, I usually think of sacrifice as "something I am willing to give up--for a limited time, as long as it's not too hard."

That.is.not.sacrifice.

In disciplining my children, I am learning the value of finding consequences that matter to them. I can take screen time away from Lamb day after day after day to no avail; but if Monkey loses screens for the day, he is humbled and repentant. Why? Because that is something "prized or desirable" to him. (For Lamb, by the way, it is reading time. Who on earth would think you'd have to take BOOKS away from a kid???) I need to find a way to hit close to home so that the consequence makes an impact.

Now, sacrifice is not about punishment or consequences, but still, the point remains: it needs to hit close to home. I could give up broccoli for the rest of my life, but it would make no impact. I could even give up Starbucks--and yes, I would probably get whiny wistful when I pass one, but it really wouldn't be a sacrifice, because it's just not that important to me.

Sacrifice is about surrender. Or something prized or desirable. For the sake of something higher (BETTER). Sacrifice is about making tough choices.

I have an immensely easy choice to make... and I have made it embarrassingly difficult.

Earlier in this series, I alluded to it. A year ago, I really felt God calling me, pushing me, to make some small sacrifices. Specifically......... I felt like I needed to give up television. (oh.my.word. how ridiculous is this? TELEVISION.) I realized that I was giving too much of my emotional energy to Castle and Beckett, to Bones and Booth, to Olivia Pope. At the end of a frustrating or tiring day, I was turning to the Dunphy family to comfort me and cheer me up. I needed to make a change.

At first I thought, "OK, no problem. I'll give up television for a month." And in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Thank goodness for the DVR so I don't actually have to MISS anything! Whew! Really dodged a bullet on that one!"

Wait... what? What am I actually sacrificing there? I'm just WAITING. Not GIVING UP. If I were going to SACRIFICE it, I would need to just walk away. No DVR. No catching up online. Just.walk.away.

So I did the only logical thing left to do. I blew it off. "What difference does that make?" I justified to myself. "Of course I would give God ANYTHING--you know, like, important stuff. But that's just small stuff. It doesn't matter."

But it does. The little stuff matters. And here's why: because in the battle between flesh and spirit, the one that wins is the one you feed the most.

Every time I choose between right and wrong, no matter how small it seems, I am feeding either my flesh or my spirit. Every little morsel makes one of them stronger. And every time I have sat down in front of the TV for the past year, I knew which one I was feeding.

The little stuff matters.

So I have to decide today who I am going to feed. And if I really and truly want to go deeper, I have to stop feeding my flesh.

You might be reading this and thinking, "Why on earth are you making this such a big deal? What is wrong with enjoying a TV show?" It's a fair question. There is nothing wrong with television in itself. This is not a rant against Hollywood or entertainment or having a show (or a couple of shows) that you enjoy and like to follow. This is a big deal because I have made it a big deal in my life. My unwillingness to give it up was the problem. Look at the definition of sacrifice: "the surrender... of something PRIZED." I don't want to prize my television shows. I don't want them to be important to me. But I have made them just that. They have become an idol in my life, something for which I have been willing to forego a deeper relationship with Christ. It is humbling to type that out, to see it in print, but it is true.

Today. Today I am going to stop feeding my flesh in this matter, and start feeding my spirit. As of right now, I am planning to give it up through October, but who knows--maybe it will turn into a long-term change. For now, I am going to focus on being more intentional with my time--but more than anything, I am giving it up because I want to be able to give God anything. And for the love of Pete, folks... TV should be the least of my "anything" to give.

It's not a big sacrifice. But it's one I need to make. To starve my flesh a little. To hear the voice of God better. To know what the "anything" is that He really wants from me.

So who is on this journey with me? Has God been knocking on your heart? Have you felt Him say, "Before you promise anything, will you give me something?" What do you feel has taken a place of higher importance than it deserves? What small decisions can you make to stop "feeding the flesh" and start "feeding the spirit"?

The Heart of the Matter, Part 3: What if?

I haven't written as much about this journey as I thought I would have by now. Not because it hasn't been on my mind, because it has. Constantly. Not because I have "gotten over it", because the knot in my stomach just seems to grow each day. I haven't written because I have been in the middle of an internal battle.

If I write these things down, I need to DO something about them.

That is the crux of the issue. How far do I want to dig? Because at some point, I can't turn away from what I find. And I feel like I am rapidly approaching that point. Like a girl in a scary movie, I have approached a closed door in the middle of the night. Do I open it?

And here is the question at the center of it all: What if?

A day or so after I started this series, a dear friend came over with her boys for a play date. And bless her heart, she came prepared. She told me that she had been feeling a lot of the same things. She even brought the book Anything with her. She was ready to dive in with me. There is something beautiful about having a friend on the journey.

And as we sat and watched the kids play, she asked a question that I had been pondering as well. "We say that we are so blessed as a nation, that America has so much and what a blessing that is. But what if it's not? What if it's just the opposite?"

But my people would not listen to me;
    Israel would not submit to me.
So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts
    to follow their own devices.

--Psalm 81:11 & 12

 

What if God has thrown up His hands and said, "Have it your way"? What if the many, many things that we call blessings--abundance of stuff, abundance of food, abundance of "opportunities"--are really just distractions? What if we are replacing God with His creations? What if He has so much more--if we are willing to go with LESS of what the world says we need?

 

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

--Matthew 10:28

 

How many of my daily fears center around issues of my soul? Don't most of them have to do with far more mundane things? I worry about dog hair on my furniture, about finding black shorts for Monkey to wear to soccer, about how much money to spend on a shower curtain. I worry about what my husband thinks, what my friends think, what people at church think, what the woman who sees me at Target thinks.

 

What if I'm worried about all the wrong things?

 

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

--Matthew 6:19-21

 

I want to provide for my children. I want them to be well taken care of. I want them to love our home, enjoy our home.

 

What if I'm going about it the wrong way? What if I'm teaching them that security comes through stuff, that our lifestyle is normal and expected?

 

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

--Psalm 37:4

 

My heart desires so many things, and it never seems to be enough.

 

What if I've been living out this verse all wrong? It doesn't mean that God will make all my dreams come true if I follow Him. Rather, that He will turn my desires into His desires. If I let Him.

 

In Anything, Jennie Allen talks about the night she realized that she needed to truly turn her life over to God, to seek Him above everything else. She wonders what might have happened if she had blown Him off, and she concludes, "I might be stuck with the mediocre life I was so afraid of losing at the time."

 

What if this life that I love, that I cling to so dearly, that I do fear losing... is just "mediocre"? What if there is something more, something BETTER, if I just.let.go?

 

My heart is pounding. I don't know what that looks like. I don't know what changes I need to make or where to start or if my family is ready to start with me.

 

So I will pray. And I will dig. And I will open that door.

 

Are you ready?

(Almost) Anything

(If you haven't already, it might be helpful to read yesterday's post before you start in on this one...)

I probably should have seen this coming. Last fall I road tripped (Yep, it's a verb now. I just declared it so. Take that, grammar.) for a weekend with a friend, and as two women are likely to do when they have hours together and no children to interrupt, we talked. A lot.

In the course of conversation, the book Anything by Jennie Allen came up. My friend had read it, but I had never heard of it. By the end of the weekend, her copy of the book was in my bag.

I have to admit, it sat for a few weeks untouched. But then I was listening to Family Life Today (my favorite radio program), and they were interviewing none other than Miss Jennie Allen herself about her latest book, Anything. As I listened to her, I could feel God tugging at my heart. I wanted to be able to pray the same thing she had prayed, that I would give God anything in my life that He wanted.

But I didn't want it enough. I listened to Jennie and I started reading the book, and everything in it resonated in my heart. And I felt God calling me to make some small sacrifices, so small that I am too embarrassed to even type them out here... because I wouldn't do it. I wanted to convince myself--and God--that I would be willing to give Him anything, and I was already saying "no" in the small things.

I justified it by saying, "Well, that's just silly. I don't need to give up that. There's no reason for it. If it were something important, I would do it." But come on, that's like saying, "It's silly for me to practice playing basketball. We're not even in a real game! The baskets don't count for anything! I'll shoot the ball when we're playing an actual game--I'm sure I'll make it through the hoop, no problem." Not likely.

And since I knew I was in the wrong, I did what any reasonable person would do. I stopped reading the book. If I couldn't convince myself that I was in the right, then maybe I could just stop thinking about it. That seems like a logical conclusion, right?

That was MONTHS ago. Close to a YEAR ago, as a matter of fact. And in a lot of ways, I actually had forgotten about that whole inner turmoil. But the sense of longing, of looking for something more, has been there. And maybe that strange mix of a desire for and avoidance of a deeper relationship is the source of my discontent.

So a week or so ago, I picked it back up. And it still hits me right between the eyes. Again I felt myself pushed to step out of my comfort zone. This time I was determined not to shove it away.

So do you know what I did? I kept reading the book... but quit reading my Bible. I found a new way to avoid God. I didn't even realize I had done it at first, but that's exactly the pattern I have been following. I will read one or the other, but not both. It's too convicting.

And now here I am, trying to get down to the heart of the matter. And I know that it is time to stop avoiding, time to stop refusing, time to stop pretending that I don't hear God's voice. I don't want to feel this constant discontent. I don't want to wonder what could be in store for me, if only I would let go.

So I'm not sure if I've really said much today, except that this is step 1 for me. I will be spending time daily in God's Word. I will be poring over His book and this other book that He has laid on my heart. And I will be back to share what I am learning.

What are you reading that is inspiring you right now? Is it exciting? Scary? A little of both?

The Heart of the Matter, part 1

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you won't be surprised to read that I have been having some emotional struggles lately. It's nothing new--ever since I battled with post-partum after Monkey was born, depression has been a bit of a back seat driver in my life, always hanging around, looking for opportunities to butt in where he doesn't belong. Especially on an, er, shall we say... monthly basis. I have truly come to view it as a biblical thorn in my side (See 2 Corinthians 12:7-10), something that reminds me to rely on Christ and not on my own strength. In some ways I have become thankful for the growth opportunities it has provided.

But I digress.

The frustrating thing about depression is that it can make all of my emotions a little bit muddy. I have to really work to sort out what is true and what is getting mixed in with my thorn. Let's say, just for example, that Mr. Fantastic and I were to possibly... oh, let's say... disagree about the furniture for the basement. Not that that would ever happen. (It totally happened.) And then let's say I got upset enough to cry about it, which is of course totally ridiculous. (And also completely true.) I would, in a situation like that, have to do some real soul-searching and ask myself, "Does Mr. Fantastic have unrealistic expectations and/or is he expressing his feelings inappropriately? Do *I* have unrealistic expectations and/or am I expressing my feelings inappropriately? Do I feel THIS strongly about the basement furniture? Is there a deeper issue in my marriage that is coming to the surface here? OR... am I just feeling a little bit extra-sensitive and overly-emotional today? Would this conversation be going differently if we had it 3 days from now?" (The answers were: no, not until I started crying, no, no, yes, and ABSOLUTELY.)

Which brings me back to today. Well, not just today. For the past couple of weeks or so, I have been wrestling with some emotions. Normally, as in the example above, it takes me anywhere from a few minutes to a day to be able to sort out the root cause of my emotions--whether they are "true" or just being seen through my depression filter (or a little bit of both, which is often the case). In this case, though, it really has been weeks of sorting through and digging down and finding what is at the heart of the matter.

And then it hit me: It is discontentment. I am not content. I am going through my days wishing things were different. I find myself being sad or angry over everything from changes at our church to school decisions to wanting different dishes. EVERYTHING. This thread of discontent has woven itself into just about every area of my life.

But just like the furniture situation, it seemed important to look a little closer. How likely is it that I am actually unhappy with every area of life? Possible, but not likely. So where is this coming from?

That's where I am now, folks. If you were looking for an insightful, lightbulb moment... well, so am I. I haven't had it yet. I do feel like recognizing the discontentment--and realizing that there is likely one root issue (or maybe 2) that are really the foundation--has helped me to take a few deep breaths and let go of some things. But as silly as it sounds (Shouldn't I KNOW what's bothering me?), I just can't quite pinpoint those root causes.

And then I remembered something that I heard from a pastor somewhere along the way... Satan is the great deceiver, and often that means he doesn't tell us an outright lie--he takes something good and twists it. Sex, for example, is a beautiful gift from God, but Satan has twisted it and convinced us to use it in ways it was not intended--ways that leave us empty and guilty and with all kinds of consequences. And look at guilt--it is actually intended to serve a good purpose, to bring to our attention when we have done something wrong and help us to change; Satan, however, loads us up with false guilt over things that have already been forgiven--or things over which we don't need to feel guilt at all.

So what if this discontent is Satan twisting something inside of me that is actually from God? What if God is trying to lay something on my heart--a new challenge, a step He wants me to take, a new leading in ministry or parenting or even my marriage--and I have allowed Satan to take that desire for the next step and twist it into a desire for more of... everything?

I feel like there is truth to this. I feel like it needs to be studied and prayed over. I picture myself with a huge knot of yarn, slowly inching my fingers along, trying to untangle it all. Somewhere in there is the truth.

I called this post "part 1" because I am just on the beginning of this journey, and I am inviting you to come along. Tomorrow's post might be titled "part 2" or it might be something totally different. I have no idea where I am heading. This is a whole new kind of transparency for me--the kind where I don't know the outcome. Are you ready for this trip? I know I'm not. ;-)

By the way, you might want to grab your Bible and a copy of Jennie Allen's book Anything. I think they're going to be key components...