Diary of a Zookeeper

Destructive Behavior

2012-02-05T22:03:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was looking through some photos online, and I came across one of a woman with two small children. They were all happy and smiling, and my first thought was, "How can she look like that and smile? What does a person overweight like that have to be happy about?"

Judgmental, right? Shallow? Self-righteous?

Well, maybe not that last one. Because the woman in the photo was me. The kids were Monkey and Lamb. The pictures were from Monkey's birthday party earlier that day. I am that woman.

Now, before anyone tells me that God made me and all that, believe me, I know and I am thankful for that. But the body I have now has NOTHING to do with the body God gave me, and EVERYTHING to do with my own destructive behavior.

For instance, today I was still so frustrated with myself for the way that I looked in those pictures (and worse yet, in front of my friends who were AT THE PARTY) that I decided to do something about it. Did I exercise? Well... no. Eat celery all day? Not exactly. So what did I "do" about it?

Welllllllllllllll... have you ever walked into a room that was so messy that it completely overwhelmed you, so you just started picking things up and throwing them around to make it worse?

No? Hmmmm.

No, of course not. That's just silly. But that's essentially what I did today. I was so upset with myself that I spent the entire day snacking on Doritos and leftover birthday cake. And I didn't enjoy ANY of it. It wasn't about enjoying it--it was about punishing myself.

Well, that really showed me. Ha.

How do I get into these destructive patterns? It's not limited to my eating, either. Once I woke up from my post-Roo-diagnosis-coma and realized that life with Down syndrome really is good (pretty great, actually), I looked in the mirror and saw how much I had neglected myself in that time... and I didn't like what I saw. And that's when it started--the destructive thoughts. "What the heck is wrong with me?" "Why on earth would anyone want to be my friend--to hang around with me--when I look like this?" "I just don't like myself." Yep, that's what I say to myself. Daily.

Seriously.

Now stop. This is not a big plea for people to feel sorry for me or try to make me feel beetter. This is me being raw, honest, transparent. For a reason.

Destructive behavior is a downward spiral. What's that saying? "Your thoughts become your words; your words become your actions; your actions become your habits; your habits become your character; your character defines your destiny." Yikes. I'm halfway through that list--my thoughts have become words, then actions, then habits. Is this really what I want to define my character? Ew. NOT who I want to be.

I wish I could just "positive self-talk" my way out of this one. I can say, "I like myself and think that I'm beautiful" 1,000 times a day, but that doesn't really matter if I know that I am lying to myself. And it's not about seeing myself as God's creation--I have no problem with that. I have a problem with what I, in my fallenness, have done to God's creation.

But I'm realizing... that's OK too. So often we want to just make ourselves feel better, so we make excuses. "I'm still beautiful inside." "I was under a lot of stress." "I am burning the candle at both ends right now--I don't know how to find the time to work out." You know what? Those things are all true, but they don't change the facts. They don't change the things that I think when I look in the mirror--or at a photo.

Sometimes we don't need positive thoughts. Sometimes we need true thoughts. Here is what is true: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (I Corinthians 6:19-20)

This isn't about me. It's not about what size clothes I wear or what other people think about me or even what I think about myself. I am not honoring God with my body. God made me for a purpose, and He gave me this body so that I could fulfill that purpose. If I'm not healthy, I'm not fully able to fulfill His purpose for me. If I'm consumed with distaste for myself, I'm not consumed with passion for Him. If I'm worrying what people will think when they see me, I'm not focused on how I can best serve God.

It's time for a change. A change in my thinking. I don't need to replace "I just don't like myself" with "I think I'm great." My new thoughts need to be, "It's not about me."

How can I honor God with my body?

Stay tuned. I'm learning.

24 hours

2012-01-31T13:44:00.000-05:00

Has your husband ever asked, "What exactly did you DO today?" Have you ever wondered that yourself? Well, here's a brief look at my past 24 hours.

In the last day, I...

folded 15 loads of laundry
went to Lowe's with my hubby to pick out new tile for our bathroom
handled (or tried to handle) some small fires that popped up with a new ministry that I am leading at church
made a nice dinner (meatloaf, twice-baked potatoes, salad, and oranges)
cleaned the kitchen twice
cleaned/dusted my first floor
washed all of the linens on my bed (because the dog had peed on them...) and made the bed
bathed three children
put three children to bed
spent a total of 1 1/2 hours in the bathroom with the shower running, trying to steam away Roo's croup (divided into 5 segments)
drove most of the way to our local children's hospital in the middle of the night, only to find that Roo's breathing had returned to normal and he was fast asleep, then driven back home. (This was after the 3rd steam session. We had two more later that night.)
got up after 2-3 hours of sporadic sleep
got 2 kids ready for school
showered
dropped 2 big kids off at two different schools
drove 20 minutes to a story time that I was supposed to lead, then dumped it all on two of my follow leadership team members because I had a croupy baby in the van (Thank you, ladies, for doing such a fabulous job!)
bought last-minute supplies for Monkey's upcoming 5th birthday and our upcoming vacation
loaded up on caffeine at Starbucks (Chai tea latte = Something that I never should have tried = Something that I'm going to be trying a LOT more often)
took Roo to the doctor, where she brilliantly concluded that he has croup (gee, I'm so glad I'm paying you big money to tell me that) and gave him a dose of oral steroids (for which I AM very thankful)
picked Monkey up from a friend's house, after she was gracious enough to pick him up from preschool for me
treated my very special and patient Monkey to McDonald's for lunch (which we got from the drive-through and took home, since Roo was not up for a restaurant)
put two tired boys in bed for naps
got fantastic news that we scored last-minute reservations at Cinderella's castle for our upcoming trip to Disneyworld--in two weeks! (TOTALLY made my day)

And yeah... really, that's about it. And although the specifics change from day to day, it seems like this is the way that every day has been going lately. Non.Stop.

In fact, right now my whole body is shaking, and I'm not sure if it's from a lack of sleep or a surplus of caffeine... or both.

Roo's breathing is much better, by the way, but his fever (which was 102 last night, but of course completely gone when we were at the doctor's office) seems to be coming back. I'm praying that it goes away quickly and everybody is healthy for this weekend, when we celebrate Monkey's 5th birthday--twice! :-)

So what's new with you?

Why I'm not where you are

2012-01-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

If you don't "get" the title to this post, it's a reference to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which just so happens to be a book that I recently read but absolutely do NOT recommend AT ALL. Really. I barely made it through the dang thing, and I refuse to take the blame for anyone else reading it. But every time I thought about writing this post, this is what came to mind and I just couldn't shake it.

(As an aside, I will probably still go see the movie when it comes out. At its heart, the story has a semi-cute plot line, and I'd like to see where Hollywood takes it. Plus it has Tom Hanks in it.)

So anyway, back to the real topic at hand, which is my neglected blog. I can't even begin to describe to you the chaos that has been my life for the past 6 weeks or so. And I have to tell you, there has been nothing hugely life-changing--no lottery wins, no tragic accidents, etc--but just a complete onslaught of one-thing-after-another, and I am having trouble keeping it all straight. Opportunities and challenges have been popping up all over the place. It is incredible, and intimidating.

I want so much to tell you about the rest of our trip to New York, about our Christmas, about my new ministry at church, about another opportunity that has come up for me, about Roo and how fabulous he is doing. But right now I am busting my hump from 5:00 AM until 10:00 PM almost every day, and I am not even managing to KEEP UP with the current level of chaos, let alone get ahead.

This whole experience has helped me to realize two things. 1-I think I get overwhelmed easily. 2-I just might need to clone myself... or at least rent "Multiplicity" again.

If you haven't already heard from my Facebook page, I did recently get the chance to blog about life with sweet Roo for the MOPS International "Momology" blog. You can find the blog here, and search for my posts (two of them). And thanks to so many of you who are reading this now, they have asked for more!!! I love the opportunity to share Roo and the things we are learning together with the rest of the world.

I do want to sit down and chat with you all more. I'm hopeful that I will get that opportunity soon, and can catch you up on all things Zoo. :-) I might even get to blog more today, as I snuggle with two sick kiddos and watch movies. In the meantime, let me just share a couple of quick pictures to tide you over...

Vacation! (Part 1)

2011-11-28T04:52:00.001-05:00

Good morning! It's been another little bloggy break for me, but I have a good reason. Let me start from the beginning...

As you may remember, Mr. Fantastic and I went away for the weekend at the beginning of the month, just the two of us. It was a wonderful weekend, which culminated in our rushing out of the movie theater mid-movie to head to the ER back home, where my mother-in-law had taken Roo because he was choking. WELL, during the movie (spoiler alert--if you have plans to watch "Tower Heist", this will give away part of the plot... but not the ending, because I haven't seen that part...) a robbery takes place in New York City during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. My hubby leaned over to me and whispered, "We should go to that sometime." (This was literally about 30 seconds before we got the phone call, because we actually had to leave during that scene, also known as the-climax-of-the-movie. ;-) )

Well, about a week later (which, for those of you who are keeping track, was less than two weeks before Thanksgiving), he came home from work and said, "I have a new plan! I think we should go to New York City for Thanksgiving!"

I wish I could say I responded with enthusiasm. I can't. You see, there were a few factors working against me. For one, I am a planner, and two weeks before a major holiday, I already have it planned. I don't like to change plans. Second, I am sentimental and love traditions--and there is no way in which a last-minute trip to New York City is "traditional" for me. And third, we have THREE small children, and the idea of fighting for sidewalk space with 3.5 million people (yes, that's how many people watch the parade each year) was NOT appealing to me.

But I tried to be as supportive as I could in a this-ain't-never-gonna-happen kind of way.

So guess what happened next...? I got outvoted.

We alternate our Thanksgivings, one year with my family, one year with my husband's. On his family's years, it is mainly his mom that we coordinate with, and we go along with whatever she would like to do for the holiday. This was her year, and she and Mr. Fantastic were both very much on-board with the NYC thing. I decided to wait and see if we could actually find a place to stay that was close to the parade site AND within our budget, which I figured would never happen.

It did.

Now, to be fair, I did NOT go into this with a bad attitude. I expressed my concerns, I whined to a friend, and then I turned it over to God and said, "You're going to have to be in charge of this." And I decided that if we were going to go, I was going to go with a great attitude and have as much fun as possible. So it's not like they dragged me kicking and screaming.

ANYWAY, once we knew for sure we were going, there was tons to be done in a short time. Since I normally decorate for Christmas right after Thanksgiving, I decided that my decorating HAD to be done before we left. So I cleaned the house, put away all of my fall stuff (some of which was still waiting to be put out!), and decorated the entire house for Christmas, along with doing all of the normal household stuff, AND packing myself and all three kids for the trip. It was a crazy 7-10 days before we left!!!

But everything got done (well, almost everything), and we left first thing (OK, not FIRST thing... but 9 AM) on Wednesday morning. And can I tell you something? It was FAB.U.LOUS. Amazing. Fantasting. A HUGE success.

We got there Wednesdsay around 5:30, and then had a minor mix-up with the condo we had rented, so it was around 7:00 before we got in and settled. Our place was small compared to what we are used to here in Ohio, but we were very thankful to have 3 bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms in downtown NYC. We basically just threw our stuff down, then took off to grab some dinner and see the parade balloon inflation.

The inflation event goes from 3 PM to 10 PM the day before the parade. By the time we got there it was after 9:00, and the line was HUGE. We were only able to see about a third of the balloons before it was over, but it was cool to see them up close.

Lamb & Monkey waiting to see the balloons

Buzz Lightyear was huge!

The inflation event was fun, but if I had to do it over again, I would skip it. The kids were out until around 11 PM, and then we had to wake them up early the next morning to get to the parade.

Luckily, Mr. Fantastic and his mom volunteered to get up REALLY early and be at the parade route with our chairs and blankets at 6:00 AM. They left everything set up and came back to help me get the kids ready and loaded up and head back to the route. We weren't close enough to walk easily, which was a little disappointing, but the subway was only 2 blocks from our condo. By the time we got back down there, it was a MAD HOUSE. I was really starting to forget about my resolution to have a good attitude when I realized how hard it was going to be to get back to our seats, especially when the road we needed to walk down was closed off and guarded by police...! But then a very nice officer listened to my husband explain the situation, and he let us past the blockade to go to our seats--which we found were still set up and waiting for us, even though people were PACKED along the street for as far as you could see!

We weren't right in the front (even though they had gotten there at 6 AM!), but there was only one row of people in front of us, and they were VERY nice to let our kids go in front of them to be able to see better. (Don't worry, we could still see them the whole time.) Once we got to our seats, it was only about 15 minutes before the parade began! It was SO MUCH FUN! Oh my goodness, it was great. I'm still getting my pictures sorted out so I'm not going to post a ton, but here are a couple...

Roo is ready for some fun!

Buzz looks much better "in action"

Scotty McCreery, for you American Idol fans :-)

Spiderman was the 2nd biggest hit of the day, next to...

The big guy himself! When Monkey saw him coming down the street, he started yelling, "He's real! He's real! Santa is here--it's really HIM!" :-)

And you know what? I'm going to have to stop here for now. Roo graciously gave me a few extra hours to my day by waking me up at 3:45 this morning (and let's not forget to give some of the credit to Mr. Fantastic as well, whose snoring kept me awake even after I got Roo back to sleep), but I have used up all that time now, blogging, catching up on e-mails, and checking out some Cyber Monday deals; and now I must get back to reality. Vacation Part 2 to follow tomorrow!

Catching you up...

2011-11-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

So it's been a little crazy here at the zoo, which I've come to realize is something called "life in our house." It is always crazy, and I don't really see any end in sight. So I probably need to stop thinking of it as being crazy and just learn to take a deep breath and go with it.

I feel like I have been a little lax in my posting lately. Honestly, there has just been so much going on! I don't even know where to start...!

First of all, Mr. Fantastic has been home more, which is heavenly. He typically works late one night per week, every Saturday, and has commitments another 1-2 nights per week. But he took off two weekends ago to go away for our couples' weekend, then took off this whole last weekend to work on projects around the house. And THEN he took off the whole day yesterday to work around the house, too! It has been SO NICE to get to see him so much--not to mention getting projects done!!!

And then there are the projects themselves. We are finally making some great progress on the kids' rooms! Lamb's room is cleaned and painted and getting decorated--I even found a super-cute desk for her on Craigslist yesterday for $20! In the meantime, all of Roo's stuff that used to be in that room is spread out all over our second floor. I am anxious to get it all put back together, and even more anxious when I think about what it is going to be like when we have to find room for all of Roo's stuff AND all of Monkey's stuff when it's time to do the boys' room...!

Also, I haven't really talked about this on here, but I have been given the tremendous opportunity to start and lead a new moms' ministry at our church. We will be starting weekly meetings in January, but we decided to have a few "kick off" events this fall. Our first was last week, and it was GREAT! Wow, what a fantastic turnout! We had told our kids' ministry to expect about 20 kids in childcare, and we ended up with 47!!! We have our second event in a few weeks, and I think we will have even more for that. It is exciting and amazing and fun, and lots of work. :-) Fortunately, I have a fantastic team that I am working with, and God has really blessed this ministry all along. But I still have LOTS to do, and when I stop and think about it for too long, my heart starts to palpitate a little...

On another note, I got a phone call last week from the school nurse. She said she was going to do routine vision screenings on the first-graders, and Lamb's teacher asked her to start with Lamb. Apparently Lamb had been having a hard time seeing the board, and she called to tell me that Lamb had done "very poorly" on the screening. Very poorly! How could she do "very poorly" when she hadn't even mentioned this to me?!? I was able to get her an appointment for that afternoon, and sure enough--her vision is 20/80 in both eyes! Geesh. But can I tell you, I have never seen a child THIS EXCITED for glasses! She was going crazy waiting for them, and was ecstatic when they arrived 5 days early. Here she is with her new accessory:

She also has a pink pair, which I think are even cuter, but they both look nice on her. And the whole way home on the night she got them, she kept saying, "Mommy! Do you see how big that truck is? Mommy! Did you see the words on that truck? Mommy! Look at that car!" I think she hadn't been able to see the other cars before--I had no idea!

And you know, there are so many bloggers out there who have every bit this much going on, and yet they write thoughtful, deep, daily posts... How do they manage that?!? I do not seem to be one of those people. Today, however, I managed to post... AND shower. Victory.

Thankfulness

2011-11-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

I know, it's cheesy to post about Thankfulness the week before Thanksgiving. Would it make you feel better to know that this post wasn't really inspired by Thanksgiving, but just by the recent events in my life? Well, either way, today's post is about thankfulness, so just go with it.

A few months ago, I heard an interview on Family Life Today (I'm an ~~addict~~ avid listener of this show--I think Mr. Fantastic must get a little bit tired of hearing me talk about it...) with Barbara Rainey, whose husband is the president of Family Life. She is in the process of writing a series of family devotional books about different virtues, and has so far published Growing Together in Courage and Growing Together in Gratitude. (Blogger has changed their interface, so I no longer know how to post the little pictures of the books with the price and stuff right in my posts...) I thoroughly enjoyed hearing about the books and wanted to check them out. And it just so happens that the Weekend to Remember that Mr. Fantastic and I recently enjoyed was put on by Family Life and had a fabulous "resource center." (This is a dangerous spot for me to be seen, because I love resources. I could have bought out that place!) And it just so happens that they had the Gratitude book in their resource center--which I'm sure had nothing to do with the fact that Thanksgiving was just weeks away. ;-) And it just so happens that I walked up to the register with the Gratitude book in my hands... along with a few others... and gave them money... and they let me leave with it! Go figure!

So Mr. Fantastic and I are in the process of reading the book with the kiddos this month, and it is very worthwhile. It is a collection of 7 real-life stories of people who showed thankfulness in a variety of situations and circumstances. It may be just a teeny bit over my kids' heads--the first story is about Corrie ten Boom and her sister, who were in a Nazi concentration camp--but it has still been a good thing for them. And the overarching theme of the book has been: Give thanks in all circumstances. Good lesson. One that I would definitely like my kids to learn. Right?

It's dangerous to try to teach your kids a lesson, friends. Often that lesson finds its way home to the heart of the momma...

Which brings me to earlier this week. As I have mentioned, all three kids are sharing a room while we redecorate, and Roo is a big fan of being in the same room with the big kids, but has not been doing great with sleeping since we moved him. Specifically, in the last 11 days since we moved him into their room, he has been up between 5:00 and 5:30 EVERY MORNING (except the first morning, when he slept all the way until 6:00). Let me just tell you... I just do not comprehend why anyone would chose to get up that early. Ever. OK, maybe on Black Friday. But that's it.

Anyway, after a few days, I had had enough of the early wake-up call. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was just plain angry. But I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to be happy. I took deep breaths. I thought positive thoughts. I looked forward to naptime. But I still couldn't quite shake my "grumblies."

On that particular morning, my attempts to get Roo back to sleep had also roused his sister. Fantastic. Thanks, Buddy. Now I'm doubly frustrated. And I'm rethinking our "remodel", which involves putting Roo in with Monkey and giving Lamb her own room. And I'm rethinking my decision to have children.

OK, maybe it wasn't quite that severe. Maybe.

But I was determined to beat this bad mood. And as I took Lamb and Roo down to get breakfast, I spotted the book. Growing Together in Gratitude. "Give thanks in all circumstances." Corrie and Betsy Ten Boom found a way to give thanks for fleas in their barracks. Another man found several ways to be thankful for a mugging. Surely I could be thankful for ~~sleep deprivation~~ a child who wakes up early.

So I decided to make it into a game. "Lamb, what is something that you're thankful for?"

"God and Jesus."

"That's awesome, Honey. Let's see... I'm thankful... that we have plenty to eat," I said as I looked at the assortment of cereal boxes in the pantry. "What else? It doesn't have to be anything big."

I don't remember what she answered that time, but we went back and forth for a while. And you know what? It really worked. I told her I was thankful that she woke up early, because I always feel so guilty when I have to wake her up for school--I want her to be able to sleep if she needs sleep--and because I got to spend a little extra time with her. It was good to gain a little perspective.

And then she said, "I'm thankful for Down syndrome."

Pause. "You're thankful for it? Why is that, Honey?"

"Well, because that's the way God made Roo, so that's how He wanted him to be. And also, if it takes him longer to learn things, that means we get to spend more time teaching him things, and I like teaching him."

I love it.

Exactly one year ago today, I wrote a post called Thankfulness & Down Syndrome. I was healing, I was seeing that things were going to be OK--but I stopped short of saying I was actually thankful for Down's. I couldn't quite get there.

Today, thanks in part to my beautiful 6-year-old girl and her love for her baby brother, I can say it.

I'm thankful for Down syndrome. It is a blessing. It is a blessing that has come "through raindrops", as Laura Story says in her song "Blessings" (which, I'm pretty sure, was written about my life over the past year--I've never actually met her, so I can't confirm that, but really, how could it not be?). But it is absolutely a blessing.

I'm thankful for Down syndrome. What a difference a year makes.

I'm thankful for Down syndrome.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Of bedrooms & babies

2011-11-10T06:15:00.002-05:00

Last year for Christmas, our kids' "big gift" was redoing their bedrooms. When Roo was born, we moved Monkey into Lamb's room (which is decidedly girly) and gave Roo the nursery; and we decided to go ahead and move the boys together, give Lamb her own space, and redecorate both rooms.

Yes, that was eleven months ago. It's not done yet.

So finally this week we are moving ahead with the plans. Roo's room is cleared out, and last night Mr. Fantastic patched the holes in the drywall. Yep, we're going lightning fast now, folks!

All of this means that our three children are now all sleeping in one room. On Monday I tore down the crib, moved it into the big kids' room, and put it back together. It was no small feat, and I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

Meanwhile, Roo thinks that sharing a room with his siblings is the coolest thing ever. He does not, however, feel the need to sleep in there. The first night, he kept everybody up until 9:00. (Bedtime for Roo is 7:00, and 7:30 for Lamb and Monkey.) The second night he went to sleep fine, but woke everyone up at 6:00 AM--and by everyone, I mean our entire family. And this morning I am sitting in the darkness of my living room, pouting and typing while he hops all over and has a blast. He woke me up at 5:10.

Until Monday, if Roo had gotten up at 5:10 (happy, not crying), I would have given him his binky, rubbed his back, and left the room. I would have gone back to my room, crawled back in bed, and turned off the monitor. He wouldn't have gone right back to sleep, but he would have eventually. And if he didn't, he would be safe in his crib, and I would have gotten some more rest--and I could have heard if he had started to get upset, which he wouldn't have.

But now that's all changed. Now if I just let him stay in his crib, he'll wake up everyone in the process. And I'm being a great big giant baby about the whole thing.

I see on Facebook when my friends get awakened bright and early by their kiddos. They're not happy, but they make the best of it. So why am I so darn frustrated? I'm worried, for one thing, that this is going to become his new "thing", and I do NOT want 5 AM to be a "thing". But seriously? Between me and Roo, one of us is going to have to act like a grown-up here, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be me.

I'm realizing more and more that I can be like a toddler with God when things don't go my way. Somewhere inside of me, I believe that I will get my way if I throw a big enough fit. That's what I did when we found out that Roo has Down's--I was angry and pouty for MONTHS, trying to "prove" to God that He was wrong to allow this in our lives. And now I'm doing it over an early wake-up time. The problem is... it doesn't actually accomplish anything. My kids' tantrums don't make me want to give them what they want, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to work for me either. So it's probably time to get over myself and move on, right?

It's sort of a vicious cycle... I get mad about the situation... I realize how silly is it and get mad at myself for BEING mad about the situation... and then I get mad that I'm in the situation all over again.

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one who does dumb stuff like this...!

By the way, I read somewhere that, if you're upset over something that you know is not a big deal, verbalizing your feelings can help diffuse the situation. So I looked at Roo and said out loud, "I'm angry at you. I'm angry because you woke up two hours early, and I want you to sleep longer." And that definitely worked--hearing it out loud helped to put things in perspective.

So tell me, what pushes your buttons but shouldn't? Help me out here, friends, so I don't feel like the only kook who gets upset over the little things.

And now that I have sufficiently vented, I think it's time to turn on some lights and face the day. The dishes aren't going to do themselves--I know, I've tested that theory.

Making connections, spreading the word...

2011-11-08T14:33:00.002-05:00

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. --2 Corinthians 1:3-4

More and more, my prayer lately has been that God will use the journey He has put before me to reach others. I don't want to just say, "Wow, thank you Lord for providing for me" and keep it to myself--I want to show others the love and support and encouragement I have been shown along the way.

Today, friends, I have a big bloggy announcement--a chance for me to reach other moms with the story of Roo!

Long story short... I have been given the chance to do some guest blogging on MOPS International's Momology blog! They already have a fantastic panel of mommies who are blogging for them, but none of them have children with special needs. I know that I can often feel alone when I am surrounded by moms who only have "typical" children, so I am thrilled to be able to connect with other moms like me who find themselves on a unique journey.

My first guest post is up today, and you can find it here. It is likely one that you have seen before, either at Zehlahlum Family or here--my post titled Different. It seemed like a good way to introduce our family to a new group of readers. But I have another post coming soon, and hopefully more after that.

BUT I need your help. I am much more likely to get to continue this relationship with MOPS if there is good response--which, in blog terms, means lots of comments. So will you please go over to the Momology blog and leave a few nice words for me? Thank you so much!

God is using Roo, one tiny baby boy, in mighty ways.

And speaking of Roo, I think I should go play with him instead of just typing about him. Talk to you soon.

A Weekend to Remember...!

2011-11-07T07:38:00.000-05:00

It is November, a month in which we give thanks, and tonight I am thankful for my husband.

We had a fantastic chance over the past three days to reconnect and focus on us a little, thanks to my mother-in-law and Family Life. I've been needing just a little break from the zoo animals lately, and in August, Family Life ran a half-price special on their Weekend to Remember marriage getaways. Fortunately, my hubby knew how much I needed to get away, and he told me to grab the deal. And my wonderful mother-in-law offered to keep the kiddos for the entire weekend.

It was an awesome time of refreshing our marriage, spending time together, and relearning things that have gotten a little dull over the last 10 years... like the fact that marriages work better when you put your spouse's needs ahead of your own. Who knew? ;-)

Seriously, though, it was exactly what we needed. We had long conversations with no interruptions about Hot Wheels, Barbies, knock-knock jokes, or play-by-plays of who is annoying whom in the back seat. We went on a date to a fancy restaurant. We went for a long walk on a trail near our hotel. We were uplifted, encouraged, and instructed at the conference. We laughed and cried and just had a great time.

(Just a little aside: If you are married and have a chance to attend Family Life's Weekend to Remember, I highly recommend it. Whether you are engaged, newly married, just need a tune-up, or you feel like your marriage is on its last legs--this is worthwhile. I don't know the specifics of scholarship options, but it is definitely something that they talked about, so if cost is a factor, contact them and ask. I know that they provide scholarships for military families, pastors' families, etc, but I don't know what all is available.)

During the closing session, the speakers warned us that the weekend was a bubble--not reality. But they assured us that reality would find us soon after the conference ended. Couples may get in a fight on the way home or run out of gas or... who knows.

Darn that "who knows."

Before we left on Friday, my mother-in-law had encouraged us to stay a couple of extra days. She told us she could get the kids where they needed to go, we didn't need to worry. I knew that I needed to be home by today, because I have an event tomorrow (which I haven't even talked about here, but I'll fill you in on it soon), but we thought about staying at least one extra night. We decided to go ahead and check out of our hotel, though, go to lunch and see a movie, and then we would try Priceline to see if we could get something cheap.

We didn't make it that far.

As we were sitting in the movie theater, 3/4 of the way through the film, literally at the climax where you're sitting at the edge of your seat... Mr. Fantastic's phone rang. It was his mom. I have no idea what made him decide to answer the call while he was still sitting in the movie theater, but he said something just didn't feel right.

His mom was pretty panicked. Roo was coughing and crying hysterically, and she was afraid he had found soomething on the floor and swallowed it. She couldn't see anything in his mouth, but she couldn't settle him down either. (We were, by the way, out of the theater at this point.) We had her try a couple of things, but ultimately told her to take him to the ER. I called our neighbors and asked if the big kids could come over, and she dropped them off and got Roo to the hospital.

Let me tell you, that was one LOOOOONG 1.5 hour drive home. But you know... I can't say I was nonchalant about it, but very shortly after we started driving and I was all upset, I heard God's still small voice. Katy, I've got this. You know that I am in control. It will be a lot less painful if you rest in my arms and trust Me NOW, rather than fighting me until it's all over and then realizing that you should have trusted me. I've got this. I've got a plan for it. Trust Me. And that did it. He was right (and He usually is)--I needed to trust Him. Whether it was an overreaction or whether it ended terribly, God was carrying out His plan, and I needed to rest in that.

That sounds rather melodramatic, doesn't it? I know that you're all thinking that this isn't that big of a deal--and as it turns out, everything is fine--but ever since Down syndrome came into our lives, my perspective has shifted. I used to think that bad things wouldn't happen to us. I used to think that God would at least somehow prepare you for bad news, so it wouldn't knock you off your feet when it happened. But after last June, I've realized that you never know what's waiting around the corner. And so little things quickly turn into what ifs. But not this time--it was just seconds after my mind started to race that God reminded me to trust Him, to rest in Him, to stop trying to take control from Him, because it was futile anyway. He was in control, no matter what I let my imagination dream up.

So after our whole big adventure, we went straight to the hospital and found an empty ER room where Roo was supposed to be. Turns out he was getting an X-ray. They had already made sure that nothing was blocking his airway, and then sent him to X-ray to see if they could spot anything in his throat or lungs. We waited for about 25 minutes before my mother-in-law came walking down the hall, carrying my baby boy. It had been a little over 2 hours since she had called us, and he was much calmer (he had actually fallen asleep at one point), but was still crying (mainly because he had been asleep until they laid him on the cold X-ray table!) and seemed to be trying to catch his breath.

But don't you worry, this Mama Bear wasted NO TIME grabbing that baby and snuggling him! And he wouldn't go to anyone else once I got him! Oh, let me tell you, that felt good. I sang and sang, and Daddy did Pattycake and played with him, and we finally got him to settle down--and even to SMILE and LAUGH a little. I realized that he had been short of breath when I first saw him mainly because of the large amount of crying he had done--and I'm guessing he also had a sore throat from whatever he swallowed.

We talked to the doctor, and basically... we just have to wait it out. It doesn't appear that there is anything in his lungs, although not everything shows up on X-ray. We have to keep an eye on him, and if he gets a fever or persistent cough or just is acting sick, we should call our doctor and mention the incident.

So yeah, reality found us after our little romantic bubble. But we're home and fine--and this morning, he's been hopping around as happy as can be. :-)

Definitely "A Weekend to Remember"!

Supposed to be

2011-10-31T07:00:00.000-04:00

Good morning. As October draws to a close, I wanted to celebrate Down Syndrome Awareness Month just one more time. This is a re-post, but it is one that it on my heart regularly. I hope you enjoy it--whether you saw it the first time around or not. :-)

I'm up early. Roo woke me up at 4:45, and I never got back to sleep. I actually kind of enjoy the early mornings—I'm not a morning person by nature, but when forced into it by my baby boy, I like having some time to myself when the rest of the house is quiet, getting a head start on the day, and being fully awake and happy when my kiddos are up for the day. I would probably enjoy it more if I hadn't stayed up until 11:00 last night… I am an 8-hours-of-sleep-minimum kind of girl… but, well, there's nothing to be done about that now.

But this morning I woke up with a familiar grumbling in my head: This isn't how it's supposed to be. Not the 4:45 wake-up call—I would rather he slept through the night (We had a good run for a while, but now we're back to being up 1-2 times per night.), but I can deal with that. Not the short amount of sleep overall—that's my own stupid fault for staying up so late. No, I was just thinking of all the… stuff. Yesterday was Roo's semi-annual IFSP meeting. This is where I sit down with our Early Intervention Specialist and our Service Coordinator (I'm not even going to pretend that I can explain to you exactly what those two women do, so just go with it.) and we go over all of the notes from our various therapists and set goals for Roo. Goals for my 9-month-old. Things that he needs to work on. Seriously? Sigh. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Over the next few days I'm going to be spending time with some people who are likely to have a lot of questions about Roo and Down syndrome, and I am very happy to answer them and so glad that they care. But I wish I weren't the one answering those questions. This isn't how it's supposed to be. On Thursday I'm going to another conference about Down syndrome and development and how to help my child learn. I didn't have to work this darn hard at helping my other kids learn to sit, crawl, play, talk… This isn't how it's supposed to be.

But here's the thing: Yes, it is. This is exactly how it's supposed to be. This may not be what I had planned, what I envisioned for my life or my child's life; but it is what God had planned. From the beginning. This is how it's supposed to be. And I can tell you from experience, whatever God has planned is way better than any plans I try to make on my own apart from Him.

I've been reading Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. I highly recommend it—what an amazing story God has given this family. And I don't have the book in front of me, so I can't give you an exact quote… but at the funeral for her 5-year-old daughter, her teenage son shared that God is an artist, and we are too close to the canvas to be able to make sense of His artwork. But someday we'll be able to stand back—way back—and see what He was doing, how it all comes together to make the perfect masterpiece. I love that image.

This is how it's supposed to be. This is all part of God's masterpiece.

So I brush my grumbling thought aside—again. It's not the first time I've had to do it, and it won't be the last. But I do it. I push it away, and I claim the truth that I know:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." –Jeremiah 29:11

...And the Same

2011-10-28T07:00:00.000-04:00

I grew up with someone whose parents openly had a favorite child--her. She was from a large-ish family, but it was no secret that she was the golden child as far as both of her parents were concerned. They openly admitted it. Great for her, maybe not so great for her siblings, eh?

Over the past year or so, I have heard a lot of remarks regarding how parents of kids with Down syndrome must love their extra-chromosome-sporting child. Some people feel sorry for the siblings: "The other children must grow to resent their sibling who gets so much love and attention." Others feel sorry for the child with Down's: "Even with their limited capacity to understand, they must realize that their parents just can't love them as much as the other kids." And others are just plain mean and stupid: "Isn't having a kid with Down's about the same as having a pet? I mean, they're cute and all, but can they really do anything useful?" (Yes, that is something that was actually said; no, it was not said to me. You haven't heard reports of any severe beatings in my area, have you? Believe me, I don't have that kind of self-control.)

At the bottom of all this is the question that is really on everyone's mind: "Can you really love all of your kids the same?"

The answer is yes, I do.

And no, I don't.

Let me explain. You see, my love for my children--all three of them--goes through two filters, for lack of a better word. First, the filter of who I am; second, the filter of who they are.

I am their mother--they are my children. All of them. Roo is not my-child-with-Down-syndrome. He is my son. I finally understand why my parents could say that they love me the same as my brothers even though I was not biologically theirs--not that I ever doubted it, but now I truly get it. I have three children. I love them the same.

And then again, I don't. Because the second filter is where their individual personalities and needs come in, and if I just love them all "the same" when I look through this filter, I'm not doing them justice. I don't look at Roo as my child with Down syndrome, but I am acutely aware at every minute that he has Down's and thinking about how every single thing will affect or be affected by that. I am more intentional with how I talk to him and play with him. I am more careful about who watches him. I am more knowledgable about his future schooling.

Lamb and Monkey have their own filters too. When I parent Lamb, I am aware that she is easily frustrated, and that she is very much like me and knows how to push my buttons. I know that her primary love language is gifts, followed closely by words of affirmation. I know that she is driven to succeed, that she wants the approval of her daddy more than just about anything, and that relationships are very important to her.

And Monkey, he loves to entertain. He likes to joke, but not to tease--or be teased. If I yell at him, he blows me off; if I speak kindly but sternly, he breaks down into sobs, even over the smallest things. He wants to be a "big kid" like his sister and cousins (who are all older) so badly it's almost tangible. He absolutely LOVES to be a gentleman, doing things like holding the door open for people or doing favors. His primary love language is quality time, which is a hard one for me--which is ironic, because it is also Mr. Fantastic's primary love language. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and EVERYBODY knows how he's feeling, because good or bad... it's LOUD.

All of these things are constantly running through my mind as I parent, interact with, and love my children. And with very few exceptions, most of them are not set in stone. They are all still pretty little in the grand scheme of things, and their likes & dislikes, their personalities, the things that motivate them--they're all growing and changing with the kids. And I have to be aware of that too.

My love for them is the same. The same amount, the same fierceness, the same loyalty. I would fight for any one of them. I would die for any one of them.

My love for them is different. It has to be. They are three different people. And if I ignored that and tried to just love and parent and treat them all exactly the same... would that really be loving them at all?

Different...

2011-10-27T01:22:00.000-04:00

This is my guest post from Jamey's blog, Zehlahlum Family, earlier this month. I wanted to share it again here because I have another post coming that I think goes well with this one... and because Down Syndrome Awareness Month is almost over, and I have spent much of the month tending to sick kids and digging myself out of an endless laundry pit. If you have been around for a while, you know much of the "back story" already, but I still wanted to share this "theme" with you again...

On one wall of my house, I have a “photo collection” of each of my kids—you know, the ones with multiple pictures that the photography studios talk ~~brainless fools~~ devoted parents such as myself into buying. The ones of my boys are each from their one-year “photo shoot” (I hate that term. It sounds so vain and uppity, but what else do you call it?), and as I walked past them the other day I looked up and caught my breath.

I can see it, I thought. He looks different.

It was last June when my youngest, almost three months old at the time, was diagnosed with Down syndrome. Although Roo had been born three weeks early, spent a week in Children’s Hospital for a list of issues that came up after his birth, and been to several well-child visits, not one single person had ever suspected or mentioned the term Down syndrome—not even our pediatrician, who had sent us to the geneticist. She had simply asked us to get some blood tests run to “rule out any issues.” That was the moment, as Jamey mentioned in an earlier post, where “the world falls away beneath your feet.” I didn’t understand how the earth could keep spinning, how people could just keep going about their business. Didn’t they understand what had just happened to us?

The denial set in quickly, and my first act was to take the book that our very kind genetic counselor had handed us—the one with the cute little toddler with Down’s on the cover—and turn it face down. I couldn’t look at that little boy’s face and see my child.

We went home and told our parents, who were all there waiting for us. We sat on the couch and cried, and in desperation I looked up to the ceiling. As my eyes turned skyward, they passed over our most recent family photos, taken before Roo was born. I looked at them and tried to imagine us, 10 years down the road, our little family… with this child that stood out standing right in the middle. I couldn’t make it make sense.

Please don’t think that I am so shallow that my main concern was how my baby was going to look. It wasn’t that. It was what it represented. He would be different. He would stand out. He would be misunderstood. It would be hard. The family picture I thought we would take was not the family picture that would be hanging on my wall. Although nothing had changed, life was suddenly very different. The photo on the book, the photos on our wall—they were just physical reminders of an intangible issue tugging at my heart.

So we began to navigate this new life, and I went through weeks of denial, then months of anger. But never once did I doubt my love for my sweet baby boy. In fact, I learned that there is such a sweet delight in working so hard toward little milestones, like banging two toys together or turning the page of a board book. He brings me joy in ways I didn’t know existed. And when I look at him, I don’t see a-child-with-Down-syndrome—I see Roo.

And then the other day, I saw those pictures. And I stopped and looked again. I see it, I thought, as I looked at the pictures of my boys side-by-side. The set of his eyes, the flatness to the back of his head, the way he carries himself… He just looks different.

And then… I looked past the pictures of Roo, past the pictures of Monkey (my older son), and over to the picture collage of my daughter Lamb. And as I gazed back and forth between the photos of my two oldest children, I laughed out loud. Their eyes are different from each other, their hair is different, their smiles, the way they carry themselves, the way their personalities shine through in the snapshots. They’re different. In fact, I am constantly amazed that all three of my children come from the same combination of DNA, and yet they are all so completely… one-of-a-kind.

So let me tell you a little bit about my family, this zoo that I have. There’s Lamb, who is beautiful and loves to dance and play princesses and have tea parties… and practice her “ninja moves” and play superheroes with her brother. She would wear a ball gown to school every day if I let her, and it would come back home covered in paint and crayons because she loves to craft more than just about anything. She gets that from her grandmother (my mother-in-law), definitely not from me. There’s Monkey, the toughest sweetheart you’ll ever find. He is constantly being a superhero or Transformer or Power Ranger of some sort and loves to play boxing and wrestling and all of those super-tough boy things that I can’t say I completely understand—and he will break down and cry if you give him a stern look. So tough, yet so tender. And then there’s my sweet baby Roo, who absolutely loves to make people smile. He draws people to himself—complete strangers stop us constantly to dote on him because he is just that lovable. He adores his older siblings and is determined to be in the same room with them at all times. He loves to wrestle with his brother and sing with his sister. He throws everything he can get his hands on—except cars, which he loves to push back and forth while making “vroom” noises. Oh, and did I mention that he has Down syndrome?

You put them all together, throw in Mommy and Daddy, and I think we make a pretty sweet-looking family photo, don’t you?

Thank God they are all so different from each other. It makes our lives full.

Doubts

2011-10-18T06:44:00.000-04:00

I feel the need to add a disclaimer that this post was not created out of the stress of the past couple of days and spurred on by exhaustion. I actually wrote this last week and scheduled it for this morning. I could probably add some more to it this morning in my sleep-deprived weariness, but I think it's best just to share with you what I wrote when my head was clearer. :-)

I don't know about you, but sometimes I need to write things down. (Surprise, surprise, eh?) Some days I get completely overwhelmed by the to-do list or the shopping list or the list of questions I need to ask or any one of the many lists that I try to keep in my head. The tasks seem impossible... until I write them down. Once I see them in black and white, they aren't so scary. And sometimes the lists aren't as long as they seem in my head. Suddenly the impossible seems managable, even reasonable. And suddenly I start to feel better, breathe easier--maybe even laugh a little at myself.

Lately I have had a lot of doubts on my mind. They started slowly, just a question here and there, a concern now and then. And then they started to grow. My head is hurting more, my stomach is aching more, the tears are coming more... and I'm sleeping less. The doubts are growing, and I am worrying. And the worries... well, they are intimidating. Overwhelming. Impossible.

So this morning I decided it was time to try my old trick. Get them out of my head. Get them on "paper"--or screen, at least. In the spirit of trying to ease my mind, in the hopes that they will seem less scary when I actually write them down, I'm going to share with you the doubts and questions that have been plaguing me.

What if I should have been more concerned about Roo's slow weight gain?

What if that slow growth also slowed down his mental development--and it's my fault?

What if Roo's many colds last year slowed down his development? I was catching up on The Blessing of Verity the other day and read this: "Why are we so vigilant over Verity’s health? When typical babies get sick, even repeatedly, it doesn’t affect their overall development. They will still meet their milestones effortlessly. When babies with special needs are repeatedly ill, it can have a serious negative impact on their long-term development." She also says, "We can’t prove her health is a result of mama’s milk, vitamin D, probiotics, fish oils, grapefruit seed extract, Sambucus, extra-virgin organic unrefined coconut oil, superfood fruits and vegetables, staying away from dairy and groups of peers with runny noses, or any other factors! But they can’t be hurting, either." I'm not doing those things. If Roo's coughs and stuffy noses and fevers harmed his overall development... it's my fault.

What if I'm not stimulating him enough? In that same post, Verity's mama goes on to say, "Since her birth, we have done our best not to let Verity have any 'down time,' no break from being challenged and stimulated in some way, unless she is asleep. Again, this has become part of the collective family consciousness. We all help to keep her engaged and working, to keep her from sitting and doing nothing, or 'blobbing,' as I call it." What if he is falling behind the other babies we know because of this under-stimulation? It's my fault.

How can I stimulate him more and still take responsible care of the rest of my family? Already the laundry is piling up, the floors need swept, the bathrooms need cleaned--not to mention the projects that are growing. I'm not even keeping up with the current level of chaos, let alone making any head way.

What if I'm not spending enough time with the big kids? What if they start to resent Roo because of all of the time and attention he needs? If they start to resent him, it's my fault.

How can I teach my kids that they are more important than housework, and still teach them to be responsible, good stewards? If they grow up to be irresonsible slobs, it's my fault.

What if I'm comparing too much?

What if I'm not comparing enough?

What if we're missing something? Something in his eyes, his ears, his brain that could be slowing down his development--or worse, something that could affect his health in the long-term.

What if...?

And underneath it all... at the very root of all these questions... is WHY. But it's not the "why" of a year ago. I'm no longer asking, "Why, God, did you bring this into our family? Why are you making our baby suffer? Why are you making life hard for us?"

No, now it's a different "why." Now I wonder...
Why did you give this incredible baby to me, when I am already failing him? Why didn't you realize that there are thousands of moms out there who would be so much better for him?

I heard an interview this week with a Christian counselor and pastor. He was actually talking about victims of sexual abuse, but he said something that really hit home with me. He said that today's oh-so-popular depression "cure" of Positive-Self Talk doesn't work, because the things you tell yourself aren't necessarily true. I can look myself in the mirror every day and say, "You are an amazing rocket scientist!" But that doesn't make it true, so when I go out and try to get a job at NASA, they'll just laugh me out of there.

And do you know what else? Messages like "It's my fault" are a lot more powerful than messages like "I'm sure I'm doing fine."

But do you know what is effective? Scripture. Because Scripture is true, and I know it's true. If I keep it in my head, if I constantly remind myself of the truth... I'll be better equipped to fight the doubts.

That's the hope, anyway. That's what this counselor said. And I definitely found it to be true in my struggles with depression before. So it's worth trying now.

So here's the deal... Plan A didn't really work too well for me. Writing down those doubts... didn't make them less scary. Instead, I'm in tears just from typing them out, from sharing with all of you the ugly thoughts that are in my head.

It's time for Plan B. And maybe Plan B should have been Plan A all along. Because Plan B is the Word of God.

Here's what I know is true...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" --Jeremiah 29:11

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." --Psalm 139:13-14

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." --Psalm 68:19

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." --Matthew 11:28-29

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." --John 14:27

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." --Proverbs 4:23

Father, help me to guard my heart. Help me to fill it with truth--and You are the Truth. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Help me to trust in You, in your plan for me and my family.

ER

2011-10-17T08:39:00.000-04:00

Good morning, friends. If you are a Facebook fan of Diary of a Zookeeper, you know that we had an eventful weekend here at the zoo, and I just wanted to fill you all in on what has happened/is happening with Roo! I apologize in advance for how rambling and disjointed this post may be--I am not running on a whole lot of sleep here...!

For about a week now, a virus has been making its way through our house--first with Monkey, then Lamb, and I got a touch of it as well (which I am still fighting off). It starts with a low-grade fever, then turns into a sore throat and headache that lasts a few days. So I wasn't all that surprised when I picked Roo up to put him to bed on Saturday and thought, "Hmmmm, he feels warm." His temp was 100.6, nothing major, but Mr. Fantastic and I decided to keep him home from church the next morning.

I still had to get up and go because I had some obligations yesterday morning, but my wonderful hubby stayed home with all three kids. When I got back home a little after noon, he told me that Roo had been coughing and that his breathing was raspy. Since we knew that it was similar symptoms to our other kids, I wasn't overly worried.

But then Mr. Fantastic had to leave to go to his dad's for a while, and I was trying to get the kids down for naps, and Roo's breathing started to get worse. I put him down for a nap, got the big kids settled (since they were getting over their little bug, everybody had to take a nap), and called the after-hour nurses' hotline. I figured that she would just give me some tips, but I was uncertain about whether I should let it go or get him checked out, since I knew it would likely get worse at night. Well, she wanted to me to check his chest to see if it was retracting when he would breathe, and when I tried to check, it woke him up. The noise that his breathing made while he was trying to cry was... indescribable. Loud and silent at the same time. It was scary, and the nurse could hear him through the phone. She said just to take him straight to Children's Hospital.

Sooooooo... the big kids went to a friend's house, Roo and I headed to the hospital, and Mr. Fantastic met me there. They took us straight back, which was great. He got a breathing treatment, which helped minimally, then a dose of oral steroids. (I need to note here that his breathing was lousy, but he has happy and laughing and flirting with everyone!) They kept him for observation, then decided to do a second breathing treatment, this one a little bit different. And when he was still raspy after that, the ER doc recommended admitting him. Since croup typically gets worse at night, she was concerned that he was going to end up back in the ER if we went home.

After that, it was a lot of "hurry up and wait." It took almost 2 hours for us to get a room, then three or four more people needed to check him out, etc, etc. But in all of the waiting and waiting and waiting, something else happened... he got much MUCH better. I half-jokingly asked our doctor if she really thought we needed to stay there, and she said it was probably best, just in case he got worse once the steroids wore off. In fact, looking over his papers from the day, she said Roo would quite likely need another treatment in the night, and that they may keep him a second night, just to be safe...!

At this point, a lot of things were going on, and I'm going to glaze over some of it... it was getting late, Roo hadn't really had a nap, he hadn't eaten dinner, and he was WAY hyper from the steroids. Doctors and nurses were coming and going, and it kept getting later. We did finally get to feed him around 8:00 (his normal dinner is at 6:00 and bedtime at 7:00ish), and then he was so wound up we had to put him in the crib and put the sides up. He was having a BLAST! :-)

But as it got later... and he wasn't sleeping... and he was doing amazingly well... and we found out it would be almost $2,000 for us just to stay there overnight... we convinced the doctor that we are responsible adults who would bring our child back if we needed to, and she let us go home.

So yes, we came home. It was around 11:00 at night when we left the hospital, and Roo was still crazy hyper--but he fell asleep in less than two minutes oncce we got in the van.

When we got home, Mr. Fantastic determined that he was going to get up every hour and check on Roo. (Isn't is sweet?) But around 12:15 at night, when I was still awake and he was snoring away, I realized that the combination of constant snoring and an alarm going off every hour were not going to be conducive to a good night's sleep for me... so I just went in and slept on the floor of Roo's room. Still not a great night's sleep, but it was better than the alternative at that point.

ANYWAY, he slept GREAT. He sounds a little bit stuffy today, but just like he has a cold--and his breathing is not audible at all. No coughing or hacking in the night, no distressed breathing, nothing. I am so, so grateful that he is doing this much better less than 24 hours after that episode that sent us to the ER.

So there's our update! Thank you so much to everyone who was praying and who e-mailed and checked on us. I know that Roo's fantastic recovery is the result of a lot of prayer.

Now if I could just get some sleep...! But not this morning. Because this morning, you see, is Monkey's "meet the teacher" day at his preschool. I'll keep you posted...

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

2011-10-13T08:33:00.000-04:00

OK, so nobody actually gets a chicken dinner. Unless you can somehow buy one from Amazon--and would be so inclined, which I can't say I would recommend.

Moving on. Thank you all for helping me to make Down Syndrome Awareness Month a success. I have more great posts coming, so stay tuned and keep sharing! :-) For today, though, I have used random.org to select two winners for the giveaway.

The winner of the $25 Amazon gift card was comment #2 -
Weed said... I "like" you on facebook.

And the winner of the $25 Starbucks gift card was comment #12 -
Becca said... Just found your blog randomly and "Followed" it before I finished reading your post about the giveaway! Perfect timing. :-)

Congratulations!! I will be putting those cards in the mail tomorrow--or as soon as I get your contact info. :-)

Thanks again to all of you. I love getting to share Roo and my other wild animals with you! :-)

Reflections on a sick day

2011-10-12T14:32:00.005-04:00

I’m not sick. Monkey is. We had a perfectly great play date yesterday with some of our favorite buddies (Thanks, Megan & boys!), had a nice quiet evening at home, and everyone (well, everyone under the age of 7) was in bed before 7:30. Victory!!! That is, until 11:30 that night, when Monkey ran crying into our room. :-( He had a teeny bit of a fever, and a whole lot of headache. He also had a cough, but only when he was upset or moving around. I had noticed before bed that his voice sounded a little raspy, but he was feeling fine so I didn’t mention it.

So I got to spend the next 3 hours enjoying some quality time, snuggling my little guy and watching “The Muppet Show”. Yes, THE Muppet Show—the one that I watched as a kid, although even then it must have been reruns, because according to Wikipedia (What? What else am I going to do while watching “The Muppet Show” at 1 in the morning???) it ran from 1976 to 1981. Maybe that explains why I never knew the celebrity guest hosts.

Anyway, I finally got Monkey back to bed around 2 AM, and he slept until almost 9:30, which is hugely late for him. If it weren’t for a snoring hubby and a baby that woke up crying at 3:30, I would have been able to get a decent chunk of sleep from 2 until 7, when Lamb gets up for school.

Monkey is acting fine today, although his voice is still a little foggy. Unfortunately, today was supposed to be our big “date day”—my parents were going to keep Roo for the day while Monkey and I went out and celebrated the start of his preschool next week. (Yes, it’s a late start.) Instead, we’re spending the day at home. But you know what? Some days I am absolutely itching to get out of this house… today I was so thankful to throw on my sweats and know that I wouldn’t be setting foot outside. It is cold (after a nice Indian summer) and rainy and the perfect day for relaxing at home.

So all that to say, I have had several little ~~sleep-deprived~~ deep and introspective reflections throughout the day. The first was that I need to take a break from my personal Facebook account (I will still be posting at Diary of a Zookeeper). I have been thinking about it for a while, and now is as good of a time as any, so TTFN, Facebook. But that means that I could not share my ~~rantings~~ ~~pointless wonderings~~ ~~babbling stream of consciousness~~ keen insights with my tens of Facebook friends… so to preserve them for posterity, I will share them here with you now.

• What could possibly be better than a peanut butter, banana, honey, and cinnamon sandwich? A Nutella, banana, honey, and cinnamon sandwich, of course!

• When I plan to be away from the house all day (and thus, not getting any work done), I don’t feel nearly as guilty about not getting housework done when my plans change and I am home for the day. I am actually able to enjoy decorating for fall, reading, watching TV with my boys, etc.

• I don’t know if one can necessarily call it “decorating for fall” when said decorations are 3 candles, a welcome mat, and some gourds. (OK, there might be a little more to it than that, but seriously… not much more.)

• I really hope that Oreo will come out of Roo’s super-cute brand-new outfit that I for some reason chose to put on him on a day when we’re not leaving the house. In retrospect, a bib may have been a good option. Or just stripping him naked. Or maybe I just shouldn’t have Oreos in the house.

• I’m not sure why I waited until I was 32 to read Gone with the Wind. I’m pretty sure that should be a punishable offense. It is fascinating.

• “The Muppet Show” theme song can get a surprisingly strong grip on your brain after a while…

• By this time last year, Lamb had already missed multiple days of school. Even though I miss her when she’s at school each day, I am so glad to report that she has not missed a single day yet this year.

• I have surprised myself at my own hesitancy every time someone asks me if I would go back to Africa. But the truth is, my hesitation is only because I realized on that trip how small I am and how many better-qualified missionaries are out there. I would love to go back—I just worry that it would keep someone better from getting the chance.

• “It’s time to start the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to get things started on The Muppet Show tonight!” I told you, it’s a strong grip…

• I want to have a Halloween party—just a small one with a few of my kids’ friends. I’m pretty sure it’s too late to throw one together.

• I also want to have a great big party with all of our friends. I’m certain that we don’t have time to throw that together.

• I think I’ll just bake some brownies instead.

Gosh, I bet Facebook is really missing me now. That’s right, Facebook! See what you could be experiencing with me? Oh snap.

Oh, and if you happen to still be reading this, please remember that tonight is the last night to enter to win—really! The contest for a $25 Starbucks and a $25 Amazon gift card (I will draw two names—each will get one gift card) ends at midnight! If you have completed any entries but haven’t posted a comment, make sure to do so. And if you have a friend who could use a caffeine fix or some mini-retail therapy online, please share this with them—they can enter to win, too! Just follow the directions on the “Awareness” post.

See you all tomorrow, when I’ll announce the winners!

Spreading the Joy...

2011-10-10T06:50:00.001-04:00

This morning I am over at Zehlahlum Family, making more people aware of Down syndrome, thanks to Jamey. Check out the new post--and while you're there, stay for a while and get to know Jamey and her beautiful family a little bit better. Jamey has posted here before and I've sent you over there before, so many of you already familiar with her--and if not, why not? Don't you listen to anything I say??? Jamey and her husband have three amazing children, one of whom they adopted from Ethiopia around the same time that Roo was born. I think we both feel a special connection to each other in our so similiar, yet so different journeys. :-)

So go read what I had to say over at Jamey's blog, then come back and enter for more chances to win! Remember, the deadline is 11:59 PM on Wednesday, October 12.

Don't hate me...

2011-10-09T20:16:00.002-04:00

I know that tonight is the deadline for the giveaway. And I know I just Facebooked about it being the last day for the giveaway. But I'd like to make a slight change.

My awesome friend Jamey from Zehlahlum Family asked me if I would like to write a guest post for Down Syndrome Awareness Month. (I told you... she's awesome.) And given that I am just absolutely certain that her millions of readers will flock right over here to the zoo so that they can see as many pictures of Roo as possible... and given that I am sure that many of them are Starbucks visitors... and given that I think they love Amazon as much as you and I do... I would like to extend the deadline just a teeeeeeny bit. Don't hate me, 'k? 'Cause if you do, I'll spit on your gift card before I send it.

Seriously, here's the deal... My guest post is going up tomorrow, so I would like to extend the deadline until Wednesday night at 11:59 PM, and I'll post the winners on Thursday morning. If you would like to get some more entries, go to the Awareness post to see how to earn them and to post your comments.

Thanks for your patience. :-) And as an added bonus, here is Roo doing his latest trick...

...and here's another one of him just plain looking adorable...

Have a great night! And check back soon! :-)

Words

2011-10-05T20:11:00.001-04:00

I am a pretty laid back kinda girl. When you ask me what I want to do for the evening, I'll typically say, "I'm up for anything." When you ask me where I want to eat, I'll say, "Whatever sounds good to you!" I like to go with the flow. I don't think of myself as being pushy or having my own agenda.

I also think I'm pretty laid back when it comes to words. Throughout my life, I've had lots of experience with the things-people-say-with-good-intentions-that-come-out-all-wrong types of things, and I've learned to let them roll off my back. That can be hard, because I honestly don't have a very thick skin, but I've learned to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It wasn't until after Roo was born that I realized what a big push is out there to end the use of the "R-word"--retarded. To be honest, I hadn't thought much about the word at all, mainly because it just wasn't a part of my vocabulary... but I also wasn't ready to jump on the bandwagon. Before you send me nasty e-mails about how I'll feel when someone calls my son that word, please let me explain. I absolutely think that people use that word to tear others down and that is terrible and sad--but is the problem really with the word? Or is it with the attitudes of the people using it? My feeling was--and still is, to a degree--if we "forbid" people to use this word, they'll just replace it with another.

Do you know what's really sad to me about that? I was originally going to write that kids use that word to tear others down, and then I realized that it's not limited to kids.

And over the past year, I've heard lots of stories of how offended people have been by this word--some very rightfully so, others (in my humble opinion) maybe went just a teeny bit over-the-top in their reaction. But I've come to realize... as I've listened to their stories... as I've heard acquaintances use it in casual conversation... as I've overheard it in public places... that it's just not a nice word. Period.

Have I stormed out of the room when someone used the word to refer to their phone? No. Have I kicked someone out of my house for mumbling it after a bad football play? No. Would I prefer that people think twice and come up with a more intelligent way of expressing themselves? You better believe it.

Why? Because someday, chances are somebody mean is going to use that word to hurt my son. And someday after that, he might hear someone else--someone he loves and respects--use that same word to vent frustration over their broken DVD player. And I don't want him to think, "You mean you're angry at that thing because it's like me. It's bad, like me. It's worthless, like me."

It's not a nice word. And yes, mean people will come up with other ways to be mean. But nice people who use the word without thinking... those people will understand. Those people can be taught that, even though it doesn't seem like a big deal to them, it's a big deal to someone else. And they have hundreds of other words to choose from to describe their thoughts and feelings. And they will.

So tonight, I'm spreading the word. Let's end the word.

And if I didn't convince you, maybe this will:

This video was made by a girl whose brother has Down's and Autism. She is awesome. I hope Lamb grows up to be like her.

It's Down Syndrome Awareness Month. Help me spread the word.

Awareness

2011-10-03T20:09:00.000-04:00

I don't think it's a secret to anyone here that we were quite shocked when we found out that Roo has Down's. Shocked isn't even the word, really, but it's as close as I can come.

I don't know if that news would ever be easy to hear, but I do think it could have been easier if our circumstances had been a little bit different. There are so many things that could have made a difference that day.

I wish...
   ...that I had known someone else with Down's before Roo. My exposure to people with any kind of delay is so limited, and it is quite honestly something I have always feared. I have vague memories of a boy in elementary school--he didn't have Down's, but some kind of developmental delay that caused him to be in a special education classroom. I remember avoiding him, laughing at him (though never to his face), and the confused and slightly hurt look in his eyes when other kids didn't want to play with him--but he always remained so upbeat and positive. I wish I had gotten to know him.
   ...I had seen pictures of the beautiful babies, the adorable children, the handsome adults who have Down syndrome.
   ...someone had told me what people with Down syndrome can accomplish.
   ...I had realized what JOY can come from celebrating each little milestone.
   ...I had understood that my initial feelings were normal. It's OK to be sad--heartbroken--to grieve the loss of the child I thought I lost.
   ...I had known that the child I have is a million times better than the child I thought I lost.
   ...I had realized just how many children like Roo never get to experience life. In the US, around 90% (85% - 95%, depending on what study you read) of babies who are diagnosed with Down syndrome in utero are aborted.
   ...I had been aware of Reece's Rainbow, and known how much children around with world with Down's are longing for someone to love them.
   ...I had been prepared for the medical issues we might face, so they weren't all so scary.
   ...I had realized that it isn't any different to play with or babysit a child with Down's just because they have Down's. (Yes, some children have other medical conditions that complicate things, but I wouldn't have known that. I would have been terrified to offer to watch someone else's child with Down syndrome.)
   ...I had known another family who had been touched by Down's. I wish I could have really experienced life with them and seen how wonderful it could be, instead of passing a parent who had a child with special needs and sadly thinking, "That poor mom. I don't know how she does it."
   ...I had understood the feelings and sensitivities of parents who have a child with Down syndrome. I hope I've never inadvertently said something to offend one.
   ...that someone had told me that Down syndrome is not a death sentence.
   ...that I had realized just how amazing this journey would be.

October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month. And you know what? I wish I had been more aware before Roo was born. Now it's my duty--my privilege--to help others know what I never did. And you can help me.

Some of you know firsthand about raising a child with Down syndrome, some of you know what it is to have a sibling or friend with Down's, many of you who are reading this know what it's like to have a friend whose beautiful baby boy Roo has Down syndrome. ;-) But all of you know others who are just like I was 2 years ago--unaware. Unaware of the struggles, ignorant of the joys, oblivious to the beautiful faces.

This month, will you help me to make them aware? Will you encourage them to know Roo?

So let's make this fun. I will offer up 2 $25 gift certificates--one to Starbucks, and one to Amazon--one each to two lucky readers. Here are the ways to enter:

Become a follower of this blog
"Like" Diary of a Zookeeper on Facebook (the link is on the right-hand side of the page)
Share this blog on Facebook, Twitter, your blog, or other social media (one entry for each, one time per day)
Share the Reece's Rainbow site, or a specific child who touches your heart, on Facebook, Twitter, your blog, or other social media (one entry for each, one time per day)

Leave a comment for each entry you complete. If you become (or already are) a follower, leave a comment; if you "like" me on Facebook, leave a comment; etc. You may leave a comment for each share that you do on different social media, but please only once per day for each media. (In other words, don't share the Reece's Rainbow site 10 times in one day and leave 10 comments...) Some of you have already started sharing, after you read a recent post of mine on Facebook. Please feel free to use those shares as entries, too.

The contest will end at midnight on Sunday, October 9. I will randomly pick 2 comments on Monday and contact/post the winners that day.

I wish I had been more aware. I am so grateful to you for making yourself more aware, and for spreading the word. I can't promise to post every day this month, because we all know that isn't likely to happen, but I do plan to make a concentrated effort to raise awareness through this blog throughout the month of October. Thanks for being part of that.

Matters of the Heart

2011-09-26T20:05:00.001-04:00

Last night Mr. Fantastic and I watched a movie, and as the main character's flashbacks started, I thought, "I know flashbacks are a great tool for movies, but it just doesn't happen that way in real life." I don't think I've ever relived a moment in my past so vividly just by thinking about it. I have memories that can be triggered by certain sights, smells, words, etc, but that doesn't mean that I relive them, I just... well, remember them.

And then today I took Roo to the cardiologist, and as I pulled up to Children's Hospital I had a vivid memory of arriving at the ER there with our 3-day-old baby, who had jaundice--and then issue after issue, which we now know were just signs trying to point us to the ultimate diagnosis of Down syndrome. And I truly did relive the moment. And as I walked in and saw all the same sights, I could almost audibly hear the words I said to my husband over a year ago, "This all seems huge right now, but I know that someday we'll look back on this and laugh. We'll drive past Children's and say, 'Remember when we had to go there? Gosh, which kid was it? And was it for... jaundice or something?' In the long run, this will be nothing." (Ha. God must have had a little chuckle over that one.)

And now the murals at Children's are familiar to me. I know how to get everywhere I need to go. My big kids (when they're with me--and thankfully they were not today) know where the big ball maze is. It's part of our lives. And as much as I am growing and changing and accepting--and even embracing--our new life, there's a part of me that hurts every time we walk through those doors. It's a love-hate relationship--I am so thankful that we have a Children's Hospital just 20 minutes away, but I really wish we didn't need it.

But we do. We do need it, and today we were there for a quick check of Roo's ticker. And by quick, I mean it took roughly half of an eternity longer than I had anticipated.

If you're not keeping close tabs on Roo's heart issues (which of course you all are, I'm certain), here's a quick recap. He was diagnosed at his first appointment last year with two holes in his heart, an Atrial Septal Defect (ASD) and a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD). The VSD was very small, and the doctor actually thought it may close up on its own. The ASD was "moderate" in size--one step above small--and would likely require a small procedure to repair it. The procedure wouldn't be done until Roo was around age 5, and it would not require open heart surgery, thank goodness. There was a chance it could also repair itself, but most likely it wouldn't because of its size. For a child with Down syndrome, the doctor told us, Roo's heart issues were very minor. He just asked that we follow up about once a year to keep an eye on the ASD until it could be repaired.

So it was the annual checkup that took us back to the doctor's office today. Next year I will remember when I call to schedule our appointment to ask for an echocardiogram. Both times we've gone, the doctor has wanted one but it wasn't on the schedule, so our appointment took much longer than necessary because we had to wait for a chance to be squeezed in for the echo. By "longer than necessary", I mean that we spent approximately 15 minutes with the doctor, 30 minutes getting the echo, and an hour and forty-five minutes waiting. Did I mention that Roo's appointment was at 12:30, and that his naptime is at 1:00? He did fall asleep while we were waiting for the echo, but woke up about 20 minutes later when I laid him down for the test. By the time we were done, the poor kid was toast. (And then he went to bed for the night at 6:00--he was exhausted!)

ANYWAY, we finally got the echo and all of the waiting out of the way, and here's what we heard: GOOD NEWS. It looks like the VSD pretty much has closed itself up! The doctor said there's a chance that there's still a pinhole leak, but he really thinks it is closed and is completely unconcerned about it either way. And the ASD has shrunk by over 50%!! This is HUGE, especially since Roo has been growing--and his heart along with him. :-) Last year one side of his heart was enlarged because of the extra blood flow (due to the hole), but thanks to the shrinking of the hole that is no longer the case either! And the cardiologist even said there's a good chance that Roo won't need the procedure to repair this hole!!! That is a huge relief for me. HUGE.

There was one other defect that he hadn't seen last year. It's called a cleft mitral valve leafleft.Yeah, I only remember because I had him write it down for me. Basically there's a little divet out of the tissue of one half of a valve, so every time the valve closes, a tiny little bit of blood seeps back through. But did you notice the key word there? Tiny. He said it is very minor and should not require any intervention. This is, however, probably my biggest prayer request coming out of this appointment. This is the only of Roo's defects that could worsen on its own--and while it is repairable, this particular defect would require open heart surgery to fix. Again, the cardiologist really didn't seem concerned, so I am not going to lose sleep over it, but you'd better believe I'm going to be praying that it doesn't progress into anything bigger!

But all-in-all, GREAT news from our appointment today. It was definitely good for my heart. And by the way, I do know that it seems a little melodramatic for me to feel so strongly about being at Children's Hospital. The truth is, Roo has been blessed with amazingly good health for a child with Down's and almost all of our appointments there have been "just in case" checks--not sick visits. And I am so, so thankful for that. But I just remember how... blissfully ignorant I was in that first week we spent at Children's when Roo was born. Don't get me wrong, I was unbelievably--and perhaps disproportionately--worried about my baby (I had, after all, just given birth, and was very sleep-deprived and maybe just a tad hormonal...); but I was also certain that once Roo got released, we'd never see the inside of that building again. We wouldn't have to be one of those families who is at Children's all the time because... well... that just wouldn't happen to us.

I remember being that person. But I'm not her anymore. I miss her sometimes--I mean, it's called blissfully ignorant for a reason--but I wouldn't want to be her again. She might not have known as much about Children's Hospital as I do, but she also didn't know sweet baby Roo like I do either. And I wouldn't trade that for the world.

More than enough

2011-09-20T21:57:00.000-04:00

Roo is almost 18 months old now. 18 months! 18 months since I met the boy who would change my life. 18 months that I have experienced joy and sorrow in ways more intense than I had ever imagined. 18 months of a spiritual journey that I wouldn't have believed God had in store for me.

I was so angry when we found out that Down syndrome had entered our lives. While we waited for the test results, I pleaded with God to "make" them negative. Please, Lord, let the doctors be wrong. But He said no. The tests were positive. Our lives had changed.

I began a new plea. Please, Lord, take it away. I didn't know what that would "look" like exactly--Down's isn't a disease, so it's not like he could recover... but we're talking about GOD here--He can do ANYTHING. Right? Prove it, God. Take it away. But He said no. Roo's Down syndrome was here to stay.

As I started to reach out to local organizations for help getting set up with therapies and doctor's appointments, everyone was full of encouraging words. Children who had almost no delays, who walked and talked at the same time as "typical" children, who read at age 3,who do amazingly well in school. Please, Lord, let that be us. Surely that will be us. Make him as typical as possible. But so far... He has said no. Roo is lagging, even behind other kids I know with Down's. It brings tears to my eyes to even type it out.

Three pleas. Three "no's."

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” --II Corinthians 12:8-9

The apostle Paul pleaded three times for the Lord to take away the thorn in his flesh. God said no--but not just "no"--He said, "My grace is sufficient for you."

Please, Lord, let the doctors be wrong. No, but I'll give you the strength to hear the words, even though they aren't what you want to hear. I'll give you the courage to get out of bed tomorrow, even if you are sad and lonely and angry. My grace is sufficient for you.

Please, Lord, take it away. No, but I'll help him to grow stronger each day. And I'll help you to get through your own pain a little more each day. I'll give you support and help and wisdom. My grace is sufficient for you.

Please, Lord, make him as typical as possible. No, but I'll make him a blessing. I will use him to draw you--and others--to me. And he will bring you unbelievable joy in the journey. My grace is sufficient for you.

Sufficient? The more I reflect on that passage, the more I think God must have smiled when Paul penned those words to the Corinthians. God's grace is beyond sufficient. It's abundant. It is not always what we want--but it's more than we could ever hope for. His grace is enough--and more.

Honestly, the roller coaster of emotions I have experienced over the last 18 months has evened out quite a bit. Seeing Roo around kids his age is more interesting than heart-breaking. Telling people at the church nursery--or the grocery store--that he has Down's is just conversation, not cause for tears. Life is good--and even better, it's just life. Not "life after Down's" or "life now"--it's just life.

But some days are still hard. I had the chance today to see an adorable little boy who just turned 1. He's not "Roo's age"--he's a full 5 months younger, maybe a little more. And when I talked to him, he looked right at me and said, "Yeah." One little word. It was adorable. And it literally made my heart hurt.

For hours I focused on the things that Roo can't do. He has no words. He can't walk. He can't use a spoon. He can only put things down by throwing them--he can't figure out how to gently let go. He can't... well, the list goes on.

Please, Lord, just one word. I want to hear my baby boy say "mama." Just one word. Please, God, give me something.

No, now isn't the time for him to speak. It will happen, but not now. My grace is sufficient for you.

And then I walked into Roo's room to get him up from his nap, and he put his hands on the rail of his crib... and pulled himself up to standing!!!

I was BEYOND THRILLED. For a few weeks now, he'd put his hands up and get up tall on his knees, but he has always needed help to get his feet under him--even just this morning when our physical therapist was over. But not this time--he did it completely on his own!

And I didn't think, "I wish he had done this six months ago." And I didn't think, "Well, great, but I wish he would walk." Nope, I thought, "Oh my gosh--this is AMAZING! Thank you, Lord!"

It wasn't a word. It wasn't what I had asked for. But it was sufficient--and beyond. It was more than enough.

Monkey-isms

2011-09-15T08:40:00.000-04:00

Here are a few of Monkey's latest takes on life...

Me: "Julius Caesar was a real person who lived a long time ago." (Don't ask why we were talking about Julius Caesar. It's a long story.)
Monkey: "Did he die?"
Me: "Well, yes, Honey. He died a long time ago too."
Monkey (suddenly very serious): "Oh no. We should pray for his wife."

---

Forget creation vs. evolution--Monkey has made the most important dino discovery...
"Lamb, dinosaurs are extinct. So if you smell something really bad, it's all because of the dinosaurs."

---

His knowledge isn't limited to dinosaurs, though. He can tell you about sharks, too...
Monkey: "Did you know that sharks don't have bones? They're skeletons are made of cartilage."
Me: "That's right! Do you know what cartilage is?"
Monkey: "No."
Me: "It's the stuff that's inside your ears and nose."
Monkey: "Wow! LAMB! Sharks' bones are made of BOOGERS!!!!!!!"

---

And he's loyal, too...
"Mommy, if you get arrested and I'm still a kid and small enough to sneak past the guards, I'll use sharp scissors to cut you out of your cage."

Routines

2011-09-14T19:49:00.001-04:00

5:30 AM Hop out of bed and into the shower
5:45 AM Step out, refreshed and excited for a new day
Throw on my size 2 jeans and that super-cute new top I found on clearance at LOFT
5:50 AM Put on makeup and do my hair
5:55 AM Read my Bible and pray, thoroughly enjoying the silence while my family sleeps peacefully
6:45 AM Do a load of laundry before the kids get up, so that I feel like I have a head start on the day
7:00 AM Lamb gets up on her own, changes clothes, and comes downstairs to ask me to braid her hair
7:10 AM Monkey gets up, and the two eat breakfast while we quiz each other on the latest Bible stories we've been studying
7:30 AM We sit down for a time of prayer and Bible reading before taking Lamb to the bus
7:40 AM Roo wakes up, but isn't the least bit hungry and is perfectly happy to wait for his breakfast until after Lamb leaves for school
7:45 AM Out the door

In case you were wondering, that was my fantasy about what a typical morning should be.

Here's the reality:
5:15 AM Roo wakes up crying because he's lost his binky (for the 5th time)
5:25 AM I'm still awake, thinking I should just get up, but I am just too darn tired to move
5:35 AM I realllllly want to go back to sleep... I need to get up in 10 minutes...
6:10 AM Oh shoot! I overslept! Time to hit the shower...
6:45 AM I've been standing in front of my stupid closet for 15 minutes. Does it really matter what I where? I can't stand the way I look, anyway. Oh, forget it, I'm just wearing sweats. Again.
6:50 AM I sit down to do my makeup, when Lamb comes in the room. She's up on her own--yay--but she's sobbing because she has just woken up from a bad dream.
6:58 AM Lamb has stopped crying. I tell her to get dressed. Monkey comes in already dressed in some strange concoction he has picked out for himself. He woke up because of Lamb's crying.
7:00 AM "OK, Honey, that's great, but I need you to get dressed."
7:05 AM "Lamb, stop talking and get dressed."
7:10 AM "Sweetie, it's a pair of pants and a shirt. Put. It. On. NOW."
7:15 AM "There's no more talking until you're dressed!!!!!"
7:20 AM Lamb: "But Mommy!!!!!! I don't WANT to comb my hair! Why do we have to DO something to it? Why can't you just BRUSH it?????"
7:35 AM Go downstairs to get Lamb breakfast. Realize that I forgot to pack her lunch last night. Also realize that Roo is awake. Throw some Honey Bunches of Oats in front of Lamb and run up to get the baby.
7:40 AM Get Lamb a yogurt, Roo a bottle, make Monkey some oatmeal, and desperately search the pantry/fridge for something that will resemble a healthy lunch. Hint that maybe Lamb could BUY lunch today, even though it's not Pizza Day.
7:43 AM Lamb finally stops crying about the idea of buying lunch. I throw together an assortment that may or may not include any actual food groups and tell her to put it in her bookbag. Explain to Monkey that he will have to finish his oatmeal after we take Lamb to the bus stop. Be thankful that the kids at least have the courtesy to cry one at a time.
7:50 AM Run out to the end of the street to wait for the bus, because ONE day it came early and we missed it and we would NOT want that to happen again. (It doesn't come down our road.) Say a hurried prayer together on our way.
7:51 Wait for the bus.
7:55 Assure Lamb that we have not missed the bus.
8:00 Start to wonder if we HAVE missed the bus.
8:05 If the bus isn't here in 5 minutes, we'll go back home and drive to school.
8:07 Lamb gets on the bus, as happy as if everything had gone perfectly all morning. At least that's a relief.
8:10 Monkey's oatmeal is hard as a rock. Roo is starving. The kitchen is a war zone. And the day hasn't even started yet.

I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.

OK, so let's be honest here--it's really not THAT bad. OK, well, maybe once. So far. Most mornings really go pretty well, but they are busy and stressful. Getting the kids' day started and ended are the two most stressful parts of my day. And in between, well, I just don't know where that time goes.

I miss it here. I miss all of you--I mean, the thousands of you that I imagine are here, checking each day with baited breath, waiting for the next words that might fly off my fingertips. Wait, was that an echo I just heard? You ARE still out there, aren't you???

The beginning of the school year has not been the Return to Peace and Tranquility that I ~~dreamed~~ thought it might be. BUT we're getting there. We're getting into a routine. Last night I actually remembered to pack Lamb's lunch so that it would be ready this morning--let's hope that becomes a habit, because it was a huge help. This morning I practiced Bible verses with the big kids while they ate breakfast, and I remembered to take Cheerios for Roo when we walked out to the bus. Oh... and I told Lamb that there was no talking when she got up this morning until after she got dressed and went potty. So mean, I know, but it really helped.

And what's more... I finished almost everything on my to-do list! Back in July when I made my list for what household chores need to be done each day, I quickly realized that I was going to have to do just half of the list each week and the other half the following week. But yesterday and today I got all but 1 thing done on the list--what a great feeling. I may actually get my act together after all. Someday.

And now, I'm in what I am planning to call my "Wednesday Oasis." My kids are in Wednesday night classes at church, and I have (shhhh... don't say it too loud) no responsibilities. That's right--for an hour and a half each Wednesday, I get to sit down... by myself... with no dishes or laundry or house projects anywhere near... and listen to the silence. And read. And pray. And (hopefully) blog. That's what I'm doing tonight.

So I know... I thought once Lamb was in school, I would be back in full force. And I haven't been. But I'm getting there. And I've got lots of good stuff up here (I'm pointing to my brain, which is a little silly since it means I have to type with one hand and you can't see me anyway... but that's where my ideas are), so I hope you'll keep coming back. And if you don't, I'll just imagine that you do, and that you've brought several hundred of your closest friends with you. ;-)

Uh-oh. It's almost 8:00. Time to go enjoy a few more moments of silence. Believe me, you don't want me to start writing out what our bedtime routine is like...............................

My baby girl...

2011-08-30T15:14:00.000-04:00

...isn't such a baby any more. Can you guess what today is?

If you guessed "The day that part of my heart walked away from me without so much as a backward glance", you would be correct!!!!

Today was Lamb's first day of first grade! She was so excited, she practically floated onto the bus this morning. I miss her and cannot wait to hear about her day. In the meantime, I have some brownie baking to do, so I had best be going.

Talk to you soon!

Questions over Cheerios

2011-08-28T09:18:00.000-04:00

As Lamb, Roo, and I sat at the breakfast table this morning (Monkey is sick and Mr. Fantastic was upstairs with him), she seemed unusually quiet. After some probing, it turned out she had some questions on her mind...

"Is Down syndrome a sickness?"

"Is it good or bad?'

"I thought you said he would have Down syndrome for his whole life. But if they can fix his heart, why can't they fix the Down syndrome, too?"

A year ago I would have been devastated by these questions, but today they had a certain sweetness to them. She wants to understand, she wants simple answers to complicated questions. I can definitely relate. And I can also appreciate her next question...

"Do we have any kiwi left?"

Sometimes you need to ponder life's mysteries, and sometimes you need to accept them and move on.

I love my buddy!

2011-08-22T23:26:00.000-04:00

Saturday was a big day in our zoo--it was the first annual appearance of Roo's Crew at our local Buddy Walk! Here we are, in all our glory...

Last year I was aware of the walk, but I just wasn't quite there yet. I had a feeling that the people at the walk would be... well... happy. And I really wasn't that. At all.

But this year was a different story. I was excited--and still a little nervous. I was ready, as much as I ever would be. And I wanted to feel a little more connected to families like ours. And so, Roo's Crew was formed.

We set out to the walk not knowing what to expect, not knowing if this would be a one-time thing or an annual event for us. Let me tell you, we will be there again next year without a doubt--only next time, we'll have our own team shirts. :-)

We arrived a little later than planned, but I really didn't think there would be that many people there, so it shouldn't be too crowded, right? Wow, was I wrong! There were around 5,000 people walking this year! 5,000!!!! I could hardly stop crying for the first half-hour we were there, just seeing all these wonderful families coming together to celebrate our "buddies" with Down syndrome. I have to admit, lately I've been feeling a little bit isolated, a little alone on our journey, and it was so nice to see all these families and feel like we really belonged.

The event was well-organized and went great. The weather was nice, the activities were great, the people were friendly. I can't say enough good about it.

Here are a few of my favorite shots from the walk. I took them all with my iPhone, so I can't say they are fabulous quality, but you'll get the idea. Enjoy! :-)

Me & my buddy! ;-)

My attempt to get a shot of the crowd--there were about 5,000 people there! It was unbelievable!!!

We're walking! :-)

Lamb & her Nana

Roo with Papa

This band was a great encouragement along the walk--and the two boys in front both have DS.

Walking out onto the field at Progressive Field! :-)

The kids LOVED getting to sit in the dugout. :-)

All of the "buddies"--those with DS--got a medal as they approached home plate. It was so cool!

And after the walk, there were tons of family-friendly activities. The big kids very much enjoyed the bubble machines!

Lamb getting her hair sprayed...

Face painting--for some reason, she decided she wanted different color polka dots all over her face. I have no idea where that idea came from, but it turned out cute...

Monkey got his face painted, too, and he went with a timeless favorite...

BATMAN!

And once again, our favorite Buddy of the day. He had a great time, and I can't wait to take him back next year. :-)

To those of you who provided support for our team, THANK YOU! I feel so blessed to have been a part of the walk, and especially to feel the love from each person who was a part of our team, whether in walking or by donation. Thank you again!

Prayer for today...

2011-08-19T19:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Lord,

The needs are so many, and my words are so few.

Thank You for knowing my heart and filling in the gaps.

Amen

Family Forest... pause...

2011-08-18T07:44:00.000-04:00

Good morning, friends! If you're wondering what happened to my Family Forest post for yesterday... I didn't forget. I went to post it, and then... I found that I need to just sit on it for a little while. I just need... a little extra time to work on this. I apologize for the delay, especially since I said it would be there!

In other news, Roo's hearing test went GREAT! His hearing is normal, praise the Lord!!!! The doctor asked me to bring him back in a year. If his hearing is normal again at that point, then we only need to have him checked every 2-3 years. I am SO THANKFUL!

Have a great Thursday. We're going back-to-school shopping. :-) What are you up to today?

Two more weeks

2011-08-17T09:10:00.000-04:00

In less than weeks, my precious Lamb will be a FIRST GRADER. I was struck by the reality of it all yesterday when I took her shopping for supplies. First grade. I don't wanna give her back. Can't I just keep her at home? Yes, I know the answer. I am welcome to keep her at home--it's called home school. Amazing invention. But I am just barely hanging on by a thread as it is--there is no way I could be solely responsible for my children's education as well. Just sign me up for the nuthouse right now.

Anyway, my blogging lately has been sporadic at best. I can't blame it entirely on the busyness of summer, because I am finally ready to accept the fact that we are just plain busy all the time. But right now, the summer--and spending the last two weeks of break with my baby girl--is taking up all of my time and energy.

So I'm here to ask you... please be patient with me. I want to be here with you all, sharing what God is sharing with me, filling you in on our continuing DS journey, telling you about my amazing children. But for now I need a little more time to BE with my amazing children--and husband!

Just two more weeks. I really think I can be around more then. Until then, I will still be posting. Look for my next Family Forest post later today. Roo and I are at Children's Hospital right now, getting his hearing tested.

Stay tuned..........

Katy's Family Forest, Part 13

2011-08-10T06:50:00.000-04:00

Danielle—let's call her Danny, to keep her straight from my birth mom :-)—quickly e-mailed Mr. Fantastic back to confirm that we were indeed talking about the same person. I'm still not sure how she was so confident. I'm telling you, we're not talking about a real unique name here, people. Anyway, Mr. Fantastic passed her e-mail on to me to handle as I saw fit. You see, I hadn't truly expected to find him. Before Mr. Fantastic had come across this messageboard, I had decided that I didn't want to invest the money in the investigator he had talked to. I didn't imagine in a million years that we would be able to contact him on our own. So now that the opportunity was right there in front of my face, I was no longer so sure I wanted to go forward with it. Mr. Fantastic assured me that he would leave the ball in my court.

But then, for some reason, he didn't. He felt obligated to respond to Danny's e-mail, and he told her why we were searching for George. It seems like such a minor detail now, so unimportant, but at the time I was absolutely devastated. This was a big step for me, and I wanted to take it in my way, on my time. Instead, he'd pushed me right down the staircase!

It was probably the shove that I needed, though. I now felt that I had no choice but to e-mail this woman about this man who I wasn't even sure I wanted to find. So I did. I told her who I was—probably reiterated a lot of the things Mr. Fantastic had already said—and explained why I was looking for George. I had no idea when I hit the "send" button what an integral part of my life she would become over the next several years.

Somewhere I still have that first e-mail that Danny sent me. I was in awe of how God had dropped her in our laps—I still am. Yes, she said again, we were talking about the same George… and she also knew who I was. She and George had had a relationship shortly after his relationship with my birth mom—but theirs had been… well, more "real", for lack of a better word. While I surmise that George's relationship with Danielle had been a fling (and had definitely been an affair), he and Danny had been in a long-term, somewhat-committed (more on that later) relationship. One where they lived together and had a child together as a result of actually TRYING to get pregnant. She had known about George's affair with Danielle and knew that they'd had a child who had been given up for adoption. And now here we were, 21 years later, "meeting" for the first time by the miracle of the internet.

And then I got it—George's address. I'm not sure if the message Mr. Fantastic had come across online was an old one, or if she had found him in the interim or what, but she now had his physical address. And she sent it to me.

And this man… the one who had lived in Colorado when I was born… who had lived in California when I was a child… who had traveled the world as a member of the Air Force… lived in Columbus, Ohio. Two hours away from me.

Show off

2011-08-08T09:40:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to show you Roo's big tricks--hopping, dancing, and singing. :-) The lighting isn't great at first, but it gets better. Enjoy...

FIA: Changing goals, changing me

2011-07-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

What a month it has been! What started as a simple idea to help me be a little more content, a little more mature, has turned into something so much bigger than I had imagined--and has gone completely different from the original plan.

At the begnning of the month, I sat down and created 31 goals. Some big, some small. Some fun, some hard. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was determined. I could stick to anything for 31 days, right? Well, sort of.

Before I go on, there are a few things you need to know about life in our zoo. First, I am a tornado. Mr. Fantastic affectionately calls me a "nester." I make nests of stuff. A nest of things that I'm not quite ready to put away because I'm likely to need them again soon, so they morph into a pile instead. A nest of things that need to go upstairs (or downstairs) but I don't want to waste time making 10 individual trips, so I let them pile up until I can take them all up at once. A nest of things that I need to go through later, when I have more time. A nest of things that I don't know what else to do with. I try to keep the house looking "company nice", but I typically have a couple of nests stashed throughout the house, in places where most people won't see them.

Second, I am organizationally challenged, and especially since Monkey was born and I went into such a yucky depression, I get overwhelmed easily. And when I get overwhelmed, I give up.

Third, in case you didn't know... I have three small children at home!

And fourth, Mr. Fantastic is the exact opposite--seriously, the exact opposite--of my 1st and 2nd points. He is unbelievably organized--seriously, I think it is a gift from the Lord--and compulsively neat. He doesn't want anything out of place, and he doesn't "get" why it doesn't seem to bother other people when things aren't perfect.

Can you see any potential for conflict here? Ha!

So keeping all of those things in mind, we come to July 5, when my goal was to create a cleaning schedule for the house. Now... here's another thing about our family... I hesitate to share this, but it's important for the post... until a few months ago, we had a cleaning lady who came twice a month. So until recently, I didn't worry about cleaning toilets, I rarely had to think about vacuuming or mopping (Yes, twice a month was just fine with me.), and I only dusted if we were having company over. But now that has all changed, and I needed a plan to keep from getting hopelessly behind. Because I was already starting to feel overwhelmed, and as I pointed out earlier, it's not a good thing when I get overwhelmed.

I worked and worked on that cleaning schedule, and I actually continue to tweak it even now. But what seemed like such a simple throw-a-few-things-down-on-paper kind of task has taken on a life of its own. Somehow that one little day started to change the focus of the whole Faith in Action project.

First of all, creating the schedule was no big deal. Sticking to it has been a monster. I am still trying to find a balance between being responsible and taking good care of what God has entrusted to us, and by eing a mom who is there for my kids and who enjoys spending time with them.

But second, as I have shifted my focus away from my original goals and concentrated on the simple task of just taking care of my house--and my household--God really has shaped and changed me throughout the month. I have developed a new appreciation for what we have, instead of focusing on what we don't. I have seen how much Mr. Fantastic appreciates my work, and I have realized that I don't actually want him to come home and say, "Wow! Our bathroom is so clean!" Because I don't want it to be a surprise to him that it's clean, for goodness sake. And in that, I have also come to understand that sometimes when we do a good job at something, it is easy for our work to go unnoticed, because if we do it right consistently, people just expect it to be that way--and that's actually a good thing.

I have also started to incorporate my kids more in the cleaning, and I hope I'm helping to teach them a little more responsibility. For example, every single morning after breakfast, they immediately go upstairs and clean their room. And now that it's been going on for a couple of weeks, they are figuring out that the morning cleaning goes much more quickly if they put away their toys as they play with them instead of waiting until I make them clean their room. And they learned that on their own--I didn't ~~nag~~ point it out to them. And they don't cry and pout when I ask them to do it. I have no idea how the daily room cleaning will look once school starts, but for now it is working and we're forming some new habits.

And I feel like I'm changing in less tangible ways, too. I'm realizing how self-centered my thoughts and attitudes have been lately (maybe my whole life...!) and I'm trying to change that, and I am developing a greater appreciation for my husband, and... other things that I can't quite put my finger on. All because of a cleaning schedule? Well, no, not really. It's not about the task itself. It's about being obedient, setting aside my own desires (because my desires do not include scrubbing toilets) and doing what I need to do--with a good attitude--and allowing God to change me through it.

As this simple task of cleaning the house became a bigger focus, many of my other tasks fell off my plate. But that is truly OK with me. I honestly feel like my heart was open to what God was/is trying to say, and that He wanted to use this, to show me that I can learn and grow through my regular daily life. This was what I needed, and what my family needed, more than special crafts and meals.

So what about that original list of 31 daily tasks? I still think they're good things to do, and I want to incorporate them into my life, but maybe not each day. I am realizing that God has given me plenty to handle--and plenty of ways to learn about Him and grow--in my everyday life.

Katy's Family Forest, Part 12

2011-07-28T06:27:00.001-04:00

So my dear little Roo woke me up at 5:30 this morning... and then Mr. Fantastic's snoring wouldn't let me go back to sleep. And I thought, "This actually is a good thing. I can get up early, do a little blogging, and just have some quiet time before the whole house is up." I was all proud of myself because I would have my "Family Forest" post up first thing in the morning. Then as I sat down to write, I realized... it's Thursday. Here I thought I was so on-the-ball for doing it early, and then I figure out that I'm a whole day late. Dang it, I just can't get it together.

Well, my apologies, friends. Here--a whole day late--is the next installment of my Family Forest...

As if entering my senior year of college, planning a wedding, and finding out that my biological mother was gay weren't enough… for some reason, that summer it became very important to Mr. Fantastic that I locate my biological father, a man that I will call George. To be fair, it's not like he was pushing me in a direction I didn't want to go—I had at some point told him that I felt I was ready to start searching for this man. When I had first found out the details of my adoption from my parents, knowing that Danielle was my birth mom was enough. I didn't want to push any harder—I couldn't take any more! But now two years had gone by, my relationship with Jan was settling into its own unsteady rhythm, and I was becoming a stronger person. I felt that I could handle whatever lay behind that door.

Theoretically.

In all honesty, when I told Mr. Fantastic that I was ready to search for my biological father, I just meant I was ready to spend a few minutes on the internet Googling him (Did we have Google back in 2000?) and then give up and say, "Well, at least we tried." But to my soon-to-be-hubby, this became a real mission.

So let's start with what Danielle knew about him. It wasn't much. She knew his name (which is a very common one, both first and last), the state that he lived in when they met, that he was also in the Air Force, and that he was married at the time of their relationship. Her last direct contact with him was on the day that I was born, or maybe the day after, when she told him that she had given me up for adoption. She knew that he had lived in California at some point after that, but had no address or anything like that.

That was it. Wait—I believe we even knew his MIDDLE INITIAL. Yep, now THAT is a detail, folks! Seriously, it wasn't much to go on, and we weren't even sure where to start. Mr. Fantastic, a landlord who periodically has to track down tenants who chose to skip town without paying their rent, quickly thought to contact a man that he sometimes used to aid with finding such tenants. He agreed to help, but warned us that it could be expensive. He talked to us about some options to keep cost down… like he would print out a list of every man with that name in the right age range who had a military background, and then Mr. Fantastic and I could do further research on each person on the list to eliminate the wrong ones. Yikes!

I was ready to give up. I was reading the writing on the wall: Don't go down this road. But now that we had started, it was hard to stop. Especially for Mr. Fantastic. When he would get burned out at the office and need a break (He was a workaholic who often stayed at the office until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, only to return by 7:30 or 8:00.), he would search online for anything that might help.

And that's how we got our big break. He somehow came across a messageboard for people searching people who had been in the military. (Did ya follow that?) And do you know what he found? A message from a woman named Danielle searching for a man named George (with the same last name as my birth father) who had been in the Air Force in the 70s and 80s. He knew that the woman was not my birth mom, but it seemed like more than a coincidence. He used her profile to contact her and explain what little we knew of my birth father (without disclosing why we were looking for him), and asked if it was possible that we were seeking the same person.

We were.

Bible Stories... sort of...

2011-07-26T08:16:00.000-04:00

My breakfast conversation with Monkey this morning...

Monkey: "Is the Ten Commandment Boogie in the Bible?"
Me: "Well, the Ten Commandments are... the boogie is just a song someone made up to help us remember them."
Monkey: "Yeah, 'cause they didn't know how to boogie then."

---

Monkey: "Mommy, do you know what happened after David knocked Goliath down? He cut off all. his. HAIR."
Me: "No, Buddy, he cut off his head."
Monkey: "Oh yeah. And without a head, you can't hear or see or talk or... or... or smell anything. So that's bad."

Can he just stay 4 forever? Please?!?

Quality Time

2011-07-21T15:10:00.000-04:00

It's a little before 3:00... both boys are down for naps... and Lamb and I just finished reading time. Right now she is in the craft room, whipping up some new piece of art and singing joyfully away.

And I am basking in the glow of a few stolen moments with my daughter.

Of all the fun things we have done or have planned to do this summer, hands down the best thing I have done is institute afternoon reading time. This is the first summer that Lamb hasn't had nap/rest time in the afternoon, so while the boys lay down, she spends about 30-45 minutes reading. And the best part is... (with few exceptions) I read with her.

For the first 15-20 minutes, we snuggle up together and she reads to me--generally we pick something at the upper end of her range, so I can help her when she needs it. I love hearing her voice, seeing the way she looks to the pictures for clues if she gets stuck on the words, catching her when she tries to mumble something under her breath and move on quickly if she's unsure. I love the joy she has every time we finish something new--especially if it's a chapter book (She's speeding through both the Junie B. Jones and the A to Z Mysteries series.), the way she gets involved in the story and thinks about which character she would be.

But the best part is the second half of reading time. This is when we each read our own books. We sit at opposite ends of the couch, tangle our legs all up together, share a blanket, and sit in a wonderful silence as we get lost in our own stories. I love that we share not only the ability to read, but the enjoyment of it. I love feeling this kindredness, even when she's reading Purplicious and I'm reading Gone with the Wind. I'm glad that I make myself take the time to sit down and read while she's reading, to show her that it is an important hobby at any age, that it doesn't always have to take a back seat to scrubbing toilets and unloading the dishwasher.

My dear sweet Lamb knows how to push my buttons. She is often silly beyond measure--and in ways I don't always "get". She is defiant at times and has even been known to be mean to her brother. But for about 30 minutes each day, she is all mine--my sweet kindred spirit in books.

In a few short weeks, school will take away our reading time most days. In a few short years, adolescence and boyfriends and extra-curriculars will take it away altogether. But for today, I enjoyed a few moments of peaceful bonding with my baby girl that I hope she will carry with her throughout her life. I know I will.

Katy's Family Forest, Part 11

2011-07-20T21:44:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know it's almost 10 PM, but it's still Wednesday...! I got it on here in time... :-)

Well, I'm sure you don't want me to get off on a huge tangent here, so I'll try to keep this part of the story as brief as possible. I went to lunch that day with Mr. Fantastic, his half-brother, and my cousin. Needless to say, she and I didn't have any deep conversation about her relationship with her destructive boyfriend. But during that lunch… oh yeah, and another one a week later… I realized that I was not quite over my childhood crush on Mr. Fantastic. Between that and some mad matchmaking skills of my cousin, Mr. Fantastic and I went on our first date on January 29, 2000.

That date was followed by a second and a third and… well, you get the idea. :-) After several years of dating and wondering how I would know when I had met "the one", I realized just how easy it could be. Within two months we were talking about marriage, and Mr. Fantastic officially popped the question on May 20, 2000. We were married on February 17, 2001, and have been living happily ever after ever since!

Anyway, while we were engaged, we went to visit Danielle. I honestly don't remember when she first met him—but I'm pretty sure this visit wasn't the first time. I could be wrong, though. But either way, there we were, an awkward little foursome: me, Mr. Fantastic, Danielle, and Roommate Pam. Whether or not it was the first time Danielle had met my husband-to-be, it was definitely the first time I had visited her—she had always come to me. And one thing became very obvious very fast: it was a two-bedroom duplex where only one bedroom was being used.

Yes, I'd had my suspicions, but I don't think I really believed them—or maybe I just didn't really want to face them. But now there was no question. And it became even more evident the next day when Pam came to me and Mr. Fantastic and said, "There are some things that Danielle wants to talk to Katy about privately. She's uncomfortable to say anything, but I don't mind telling you—she needs some time alone with you." So later that day the four of us went somewhere and decided for some reason that it was better to take two cars… so I rode with Danielle and Mr. Fantastic rode with Pam.

And that was when we had the talk.

"I think it's important that you know… that I am gay," she told me.

"I know," I said.

"You know?"

Why do we always think we're better secret keepers than we are? I remember trying to keep things from my parents as a child and teenager… they always knew. I think Danielle honestly believed that no one had any inkling of her orientation. But the signs were all there, and it didn't take a genius to put the pieces together.

Anyway, it was an odd conversation, and it was one that could have ended a fragile relationship, but it didn't. I was honest with Danielle about my view of homosexuality, but I also assured her that I disapproved of her lifestyle and not of her as a person. I have any number of flaws and sinful struggles, and if someone chose to just label and view me as one of my struggles, they probably wouldn't waste their time on me. But I would hope that people chose to see beyond those flaws and love me anyway. That's how I feel about Danielle. I continue to wrestle with her stance on homosexuality, but I also continue to love her. And ultimately, it was good to not wonder anymore. It was nice to have all of the facts out on the table, you know?

FIA & WIP (Work In Progress)

2011-07-18T07:11:00.000-04:00

It's a new week. It's a week full of possibilities and hope and wonder. No, it's not anything special--it's just as yet unknown, as every new week is.

Last week was... incredible. Incredibly good (at times). Incredibly hard (at others). Incredibly funny (mainly because of my children). Incredibly busy (as always). Incredible.

But it wasn't incredibly "bloggy." I was so glad to be able to share with you a few days, but I didn't share as much as I wanted to. Why? Well... here's the best way I can explain it... in the middle of the week last week, I read this post by Tricia Williford (Have I told you all about Tricia before? She is an amazing writer and woman--you really need to check her out.), and I thought, "Yeah, that's exactly right." Our circumstances are different, but she so often says the things that are in my heart. I write to be read. But then I look at the Google Friend Connect box to the left of her posts--242 followers. I look at Jamey's--119. I look at Patti's--560! And that's not even looking at the "big" bloggers, who are in a completely separate league. And I wonder, "Why do I write? Who is reading this? What do I have to say that other people aren't already saying a lot better than I ever could?" And I don't really know the answer. So I write... or I don't. It depends on the day, on how hard I have to work to carve out the time, on how much I am struggling with wondering why God brought me to this little blog in the first place. Yes, I know, we shouldn't compare--we should follow our own path that God has laid out before us. I get that, I really do. But it really isn't a jealousy thing--and that's something that I really searched my heart for, because honestly I struggle with that. It's jsut a question of... Why am I doing this? What good am I doing? I heard a fantastic quote the other day: "Only one life, 'Twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last." It's only been a few days, but that quote--and the interview that it came from--are already shaping me in major ways. (I highly recommend that interview, by the way. It's a 4-part interview with John Piper on the radio program "Family Life Today." Here is the link to part one, and you can find the rest on their web site as well.) So I'm trying to use my time and my talents and my resources in the best possible ways for this short time I'm here. And sometimes I wonder if I am blogging for Christ or myself.

Right now the answer that I have come up with is... the fact that I am taking such a hard, honest look at it means that my motives aren't entirely bad. And God has me here for a reason, and so for now I continue to blog. Until He tells me otherwise.

As for my FIA project... it got a little derailed last week. Starting on Wednesday, I didn't even look at my tasks/goals and I have no clue what they were. But as I said from the beginning of this post, it's a new week! I am starting fresh today. Mondays are health-related goals, and today's is to drink 5 (or more) glasses of water each day this week. This will be a good one for me--I am so bad about remembering to drink water. And tomorrow's task is to host a thank-you get-together for those who provided support for us when I went to Mozambique. I am really excited about that one. As of right now, I'm planning on around 15 adults--and another 15 kiddos will be out playing in our backyard. It should be a lot of fun. I'm working on a video now, and will share at least the first part of it here when I'm done.

OK, Roo has been upstairs talking to himself for quite a while now--I'm going to grab him before he wakes up the big kids. Thanks for reading, friends. I'm a work in progress, that's for sure.

Looking up

2011-07-14T19:40:00.000-04:00

Well, I think we all know that yesterday didn't start off too well. It was one of my DS low points, and there were definitely some tears involved.

But what I didn't tell you is that yesterday wasn't just Assessment Day... It was also my birthday. What a way to kick off the day, eh?

But you know what? There was nowhere to go but up... and it went up. A few hours after the assessment, the kiddos and I had lunch with my parents and mother-in-law, where I got my first round of birthday presents. My parents gave me money for a much-needed trip to Ann Taylor (Aahhh, Ann, my BFF... how I have missed you!), and my mother-in-law gave me this fantastic find...

Can you believe it?!? I cried. She used some of my pictures, so those photos are actually from my trip. This is just the COOLEST thing!

After our fabulous lunch (and ice cream!) we came back home for naps & some housework, but little did I know that Mr. Fantastic would pop in the door at 3:30 in the afternoon to snatch up the kids for a "Top Secret Mission"! They took off, and I felt like the peace & quiet that ensued was quite possibly the best birthday present ever. And that wasn't even my gift!!! What more could I possibly need?!?

They were gone about an hour, and they came home carrying armloads of presents. OK, Mr. Fantastic had an armload--each of the big kids was carrying one present. But it was kind of an armload for them.

First I got a gift from Monkey. Let me give you a little bit of background... Monkey got a Nerf dart gun for his birthday in February... then Lamb got one for her birthday in June. Monkey then determined that his daddy needed one for Father's Day, which left me the only one who was unarmed--well, you know, the only one who is big enough to hold a dart gun. So Monkey handed me his present, with a handmade card on the front, where Mr. Fantastic wrote the message that Monkey had wanted to say. It said, "Dear Mommy, I'm sorry you don't have your own dart gun. But open this present and you'll be surprised!" Can you guess what I got?!? :-) But here's the best part: My gun holds 10 darts, and all of theirs only hold 6, so while they're reloading I can take them all down. Oh yeah, baby.

Then I got my present from Mr. Fantastic--a window box to attach to our deck! And Roo got me 4 different herbs to plant in it. I am SO. DARN. EXCITED about this--it is exactly what I asked for. And if you knew Mr. Fantastic, you'd know that this is in itself a miracle--normally the thing I ask for is the one thing that he WON'T buy for me, because he wants me to be surprised. :-) I love that man. And I am SO VERY HAPPY to have gotten exactly what I wanted this year. :-)

But it wasn't over yet. I still had a present from Miss Lamb. I opened it up... and it was a plate. But not just any plate. It was THE plate. You know, the collectible plate that my birth mom had given my parents and my mom had given me? The one that I dropped and broke as soon as I brought it home? Yep, that one! No, it wasn't the broken one--Mr. Fantastic must have found it online somewhere. (At least, I'm assuming that it was him and not my 6-year-old... ;-) ) I thought my tears were done for the day, but no--that plate and the love and effort that went into finding it (again)... oh my goodness. Have I mentioned that I love that man? Oh, and here's my plate...

And just to top off my wonderful birthday, we piled into the van and went to a local nature preserve and then out to dinner. Yes, you read that right--I didn't even have to cook! ;-)

OK, and I know you're probably tired of hearing me sing the praises of Facebook (If you're not, talk to my husband--he definitely is!), but I also got almost 100 birthday messages/posts on Facebook, and it made me feel so darn good!

So yeah, the day got off to a rough start. But it came to a wonderful conclusion. Absolutely wonderful.

By the way, just a couple of orders of business... I am still working my way through my FIA goals, although this week has seen a few changes. I'll write more about it soon. And with all that's been going on here, I have completely forgotten to post the next installment(s) of my adoption story! I'm so sorry. Next Wednesday. I promise.

That's all for now. It's time for me to snuggle up my Monkey and watch a little "Bolt" before bedtime.

Assessment

2011-07-13T10:41:00.000-04:00

Well, friends, today is assessment day, the day when our service coordinator and our early intervention specialist sit down with all the reports from the therapists and we talk about all of the things that typical kids can do but Roo can't.

Can you tell I'm in a little bit of a funk here?

This is my 3rd assessment day with Roo. They have them twice a year, so we had his initial evaluation right after he was diagnosed, his first follow-up in January of this year, and now today. We review what his goals were for the preceding 6 months, look at the current evaluations from his therapists, and make new goals. I'll be honest, out of every hurdle we have faced since Roo's Down syndrome diagnosis, the assessment days are the hardest for me.

Words like "at risk" and "below normal range" flood the reports. Some of the goals from the last assessment just got copied right into the new one. Age ranges for his development don't go above 12 months, and most of them are below that.

This is hard.

In my life I've become very familiar with the things people say to be supportive that probably shouldn't be said. Since Roo's diagnosis, I have heard over and over again, "Oh, I just know he's going to be high-functioning!" This is usually given along with some rock solid evidence, such as "he's just so cute" or "he's so sweet" or my personal favorite "just look at him--you can't even tell anything is wrong with him!" (I'm going to leave that one alone because if I start, my head just might explode.) But guess what... there's just no way to know. And every single time I look at these assessments and I see that he's behind, I feel like I'm letting someone down. Like one of those people who just know how high-functioning he could be will wonder what he might be able to do if he had a mom who was doing more for him. And worst of all, I feel like I'm letting him down.

Don't get me wrong. I am well aware that he is not going to develop like a typical child. But that doesn't make it easy. And harder still are all of the people I "know" (some in real life, some through blogging) who have kids Roo's age with DS... and they are so much farther along. They are saying words and cruising and picking out the right picture in a group and doing all of these great things... And we're just not there. And we're not even close.

And mom guilt is a killer.

Am I not working with him enough? Should I be pushing harder? Is it because of his weight gain issues--is that slowing down his overall development? Is there something more I should be doing? Or worse yet, does this disappointment make it seem like I am disappointed in my child?

I'm not, by the way. I am head over heels in love with my child. But sometimes I wish we could just raise him in a bubble, where there's no one else to compare him to, no expectations.

There's actually a popular phrase in the DS world right now: Expect, don't accept. It's true--for a long time, a diagnosis of Down syndrome came with the idea that you just had to accept that your child wouldn't be able to do or learn or contribute much of anything. Thank God that isn't the case now. I have great expectations for Roo. But where is the line? He's a 15-month-old baby boy. All of my high expectations don't mean a thing if he's just not ready to do something.

So for today, I'm expecting my sweet baby boy to take a good nap while I shed a few tears. And I expect that he will wake up on his own timetable, not on mine, and that he will continue to melt my heart with his smiles and laughter and his little frog-hop crawl. I expect that he'll be happy most of the day, that he'll cry when he bumps his head, that he'll throw every toy that he picks up, just like he usually does. And I expect tomorrow will worry about itself.

Join the Crew!

2011-07-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

This time last year I was a weary, sad, angry, mess of a momma much of the time. I felt alone, but would also cut off people who tried to get too close. I wanted to know that others were going through the same experiences I was, but I was afraid of looking into the mirror of my future.

Around the beginning of August I heard of an event called the Buddy Walk, and I kind of wanted to do it... but I wasn't sure I was ready to make Down Syndrome that much of a reality in our lives. The day came and went, and I didn't give it too much thought.

But now here we are, one year later, and let me tell you... Down Syndrome is very much a reality in our lives. I'm still a mess, but more in the normal way that I'll probably just always be a mess.

And once again it's time to start thinking about the Buddy Walk, and this time I am IN and I am EXCITED. We're not just walking in this Buddy Walk--we're forming a team. And it's going to be great! Guess what our team is called, friends... Roo's Crew!

I am so looking forward to being part of this event, taking my kids there, having some fun. And here is the absolute BEST PART to me--the thing that brings me joy and warms my heart more than I can ever tell you... I have been telling people about this walk, and multiple people have said that they are interested in doing it too. These are not people with DS or whose children have DS... these are our friends and family who want to join Roo's Crew just because they love us! Seriously, you have no idea how much that means to me. Even if it doesn't work out for any of them to come, the fact that they so sincerely have showed interest in being part of our team makes me feel incredibly blessed.

In the meantime, we've been trying to decide the best way to raise money for our team. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but since I feel like I just sent letters to everyone I know asking for support for my Mozambique mission, I feel a little funny to do it again. So instead of a big letter-writing campaign, I've just been telling people about the walk and I am having a Tastefully Simple fundraiser party! I think the Tastefully Simple party will be a great thing--20% of the show's total will go to our Buddy Walk, and everyone who orders will get their yummy TS stuff! It's a win-win! :-) And other people have just offered donations to our team just from hearing about the walk. God is so good.

I have learned a huge amount about fundraising this year. Between Mozambique and this Buddy Walk, I have realized that raising money is so not about the money at all. Every single time I got a check for the Mozambique mission, it brought tears to my eyes. Every time someone shows interest in walking in or donating to the Buddy Walk, my heart swells. Over the years I have gotten many letters from friends and acquaintences who were raising money for one thing or another, but never did I really understand that a donation wasn't just about helping them meet a goal--it is truly a way to show love and support for a person. I couldn't believe how spiritually and emotionally blessed I felt by a physical gift.

I feel like I need to give a little disclaimer here, though... I also got support from friends (for Mozambique) who didn't or weren't able to provide financially. Many provided lots & lots of prayer, some sent cards or letters, some even brought food to my family while I was gone. Every single one of those things made me feel incredibly blessed, and I don't mean to downplay those things by talking so much about the money. My point is simply that I never understood that giving the money was also a way of actually showing love far more than it was about raising funds.

Anyway, all that to say... we've come a long way in the last year. And I am so thankful for every single person who has been on the journey with us. And I am excited to see Roo's Crew come together for the Buddy Walk next month!

Faith in Action, Days 7 & 8: Kindness cooks & reading books

2011-07-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday! Is it just me, or is the summer absolutely FLYING BY?!? Lamb is only going into first grade, and already I miss when all of my kids were "little" and we didn't have to worry about dumb old school schedules. I actually wish (and those of you who have known me IRL for any length of time will probably fall over laughing at this) that I had my act together enough to homeschool her... not forever... just for a year or two. But I don't. So we're going to have to pack as much fun as we can into the next 6 or 7 weeks.

Yesterday's project was to bake a cake for someone, and it was SO. MUCH. FUN. My kids love helping in the kitchen, especially Monkey. Take a look at how our project went...

It takes a super hero to bake a cake from scratch!

And a beautiful princess, of course. :-)

Now THAT is some sisterly love right there.

She made sure there was enough left for herself, though. :-)

Monkey's cars had to watch.

The finished product! Complete with yellow sugar sprinkles (which you totally can't even see, but that's what Monkey picked out...) and dolphin sprinkles (Lamb's choice).

This was my favorite day of the FIA month so far. I had tons of fun making the cake (& frosting) with the kids, and I loved listening to them decide who should get the cake. They settled on a GREAT family. Not only is the little boy Monkey's favorite person in the world--and both of their kids are great friends to my kiddos--but their mom has been a super friend to me, always willing to lend a hand with babysitting or meals when we needed them or anything else. She has shown our family so much kindness, I was so happy to be able to do a little something in return.

And as we baked the cake, we talked about other ways to show kindness. The kids came up with all kinds of things we could give people, so I asked them how we can show kindness without "things." That really got them thinking. I loved hearing all of their ideas! Everything from hugs & kisses to just the tone of voice we use when we talk to someone. And on the way to our friends' house, we all took turns praying for the family. It was such a great day with my kids!

Today my task is to start on a book that Mr. Fantastic and I are going to read together. Also... I am ashamed to admit that I got behind on my Bible reading--I missed the last TWO DAYS. And since the reading is 4-5 chapters per day, I have my work cut out for me tonight! I just completely and totally forgot about it.

So I guess I'd better quit jabbering and get reading! Talk to you soon...

Day 6 & a Day Trip

2011-07-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

Today my kiddos and I went for a little trip... down memory lane. You all met Jamey from Zehlahlum Family when she guest blogged for me while I was in Mozambique, but I actually met her many years before that, when she was just the little sister of my friend Laura. :-) When you're a teenager, 2-3 years can seem like a lifetime, but motherhood tears down so many walls, and a couple of years is nothing. So when Jamey and I reconnected on Facebook, I checked out her blog, she checked out mine... and over the last year we have done some serious mom-bonding.

And this weekend, she came "home." Not home as in back from vacation, but home as in the place she used to live before she got all grown up and moved away. And fortunately for me, that kind of "home" for Jamey is only an hour from my home-where-I-live-every-day. So today, my kiddos and I went for a little trip.

But what you don't know is that Jamey lives in an area that I consider my old stomping grounds. It's actually not the town where I grew up--it was over an hour away from me even then. But I was in a competition called Bible Quizzing as a teenager, and many of the friends I made in quizzing lived in her town. And because of them, my high school sweetheart lived in that town. I actually think I spent more of my social time in her area than in my own.

So as we drove today, and the big kids were mesmerized by "Because of Winn-Dixie" on the DVD player and Roo was (thankfully) asleep, I had a chance to reminisce. I looked for familiar landmarks. (It's been several years since I have been down there at all.) I tried to remember how to get to old hangouts. I turned on country music, because that's what I listened to with those friends back then. I remembered good times and bad, wondered where some of those old friends are today, and thanked God for Facebook that allows me to know the answer to that for many of them.

And then we arrived at a house that used to be oh-so-familiar to me, but that I never would have picked out in a million years... Jamey's parents' house. And I got a chance to see Jamey, to see her younger sister (who was just a snotty little kid back when I was a teenager... sorry, Sarah...), to meet Pickle, Peanut, and Boohoo. And I got to make new memories with new friends and watch my kids make new friends and... it was a great way to bring the past & the present together.

After our fun morning, I knew I wasn't likely to get much accomplished at home, so I decided to make it a big ol' Day o' Fun for me and the kids. We left our visit with Jamey and drove straight to our favorite ice cream place, then stopped home just long enough to change clothes before driving to my aunt's house to go swimming. We got home in time to have dinner, get baths for the kiddos, and put them to bed.

It's been a great day.

By the way, I'm not slacking on my Faith in Action tasks, though. I haven't done my task for today yet, but it is just a simple e-mail that I need to send... and I need to read my Bible reading for the day. But... there's no time like the present, right? So I'm going to get on that now. Can I just say, though, that this project has been great for me already? I am so excited to see the outcome, to see myself starting to form some new habits... And tomorrow, the kids and I are making a homemade chocolate cake with homemade frosting to give away. It's going to be so much fun! Stay tuned for pictures... :-)

Faith in Action: Day 4

2011-07-04T21:43:00.000-04:00

Not much of an update today... I've been keeping up on everything... and having a great 4th of July weekend! :-) But just in case you've been missing the face of a certain little boy, here's a shot from his first bath in the big tub...

See you tomorrow!

Faith in Action: Day 3

2011-07-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday... I love Sundays. We've been at our church for 2 years now, and since our first visit there I have loved Sundays. I love the music, the sermons, the classes, the people. I love going out to lunch together (which we don't do as often as we used to...), spending Sunday afternoons together, or even the occasional Sunday afternoon nap.

The preceding paragraph is what I repeated to myself over and over this morning... Everything I said there is completely true, but I'm just wasn't feeling it today. I woke up tired and grumpy... and remember that post about how I shouldn't be mad at my kids just for waking up? Well, today I was.

But sometimes when you have nowhere to go but up... you go up. So the day has definitely gotten better. I enjoyed our church service, as I knew I would, and then we went out for pancakes, and home for naps--and I actually got to take a nap! Now Lamb is making a craft, the boys are still asleep, and I am getting some much-needed peace and quiet. Ahhhhhhhh.

As for my FIA tasks, yesterday I read my assigned Bible chapters, something that will continue every day this month, although I haven't done today's yet. And today I will start a gratitude journal, which couldn't be better timed! I want to use this journal not as a place to write big long entires, but to just jot down things that I am thankful for. This month, I hope to specifically track things that I am discovering about myself, my family, my life, God, etc, as I go through this journey; but as time goes by I may do things like... list 10 things I'm thankful for about my husband... or 5 reasons it's good that my kids are morning people... or something like that. Also for today--and really this whole week--I am trying to be very prayerful about this "project" and making sure that I am growing from it and honoring God through it.

But for now, I'd better go wake up my husband... and figure out where we're going to see fireworks tonight!

Day 2: A new name, a better focus

2011-07-02T08:06:00.000-04:00

Good morning! I hope you’re all still asleep as I’m writing this—no one should have to get up at 6:00 on a Saturday morning… but Roo hasn’t learned that yet. So here I am.

I am excited to share with you what I put together yesterday. First, the name. Our church has been doing a sermon series on James called “A Working Faith.” The idea is that salvation is not through works, but faith in Christ should produce action. In other words, faith without works is dead. (See James 2:17) And isn’t that really what I am trying to do? I want to serve and honor Christ in my everyday life. And so, I bring you… “Faith in Action”, my 31-day journey.

As I mentioned yesterday, my task for the day was to list my resolutions for each day, but also to define my broader goals—what do I really want out of life? I want my individual tasks to relate to my goals—I don’t just want them to be some random jobs to do. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, but I am very pleased with the results. Some of the days have a bit of a theme to them… On Sundays I’ll be working on a gratitude journal and I’ll have a prayer focus for the day; on Mondays I’ll be focusing on health & wellness; and on Thursdays I will be doing kind acts for others with my kids. But the rest of the days are just filled in with the various tasks on my heart.

So here, my friends, is my completed list.

Faith in Action

Key Verse: “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” James 1:22

Goals:
• To serve God in everything I do (“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24)

• To grow in Christ (“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:6-7)

• To share the love of Christ with those around me (“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.” Matthew 5:14)

• To be a better wife, mother, and friend (“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14)

• To serve others (“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:4)

• To be content in the Lord regardless of my circumstances (“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!... I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:4, 12b-13)

• To use my time, skills, and resources effectively (“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16)

• To be healthy, honoring God with my body (“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” I Corinthians 6:19-20)

Tasks:
• July 1 – Create list of goals & resolutions

• July 2 – Read my Bible every day, using this guide

• July 3 – Start a gratitude journal, pray about using this month to serve & honor God

• July 4 – Health Day: Exercise 3 times per week throughout this month (starting today)

• July 5 – Create a cleaning schedule of my “regular” duties (so that I don’t get overwhelmed and just give up on them)

• July 6 – Pursue a ministry opportunity (I have a more specific task in mind, but I’m going to choose not to share it on the blogosphere!)

• July 7 – RAK Day: Bake a treat for someone

• July 8 – Read a book with my husband (throughout the month)

• July 9 – Write a note of encouragement to someone

• July 10 – Gratitude journal & prayer focus on marriage

• July 11 – Health Day: Make sure I get at least 5 servings of fruits & veggies each day this week

• July 12 – Make a special dinner for my hubby

• July 13 – Finish my Mozambique journal

• July 14 – RAK Day: Make a card and/or craft with someone

• July 15 – Invite someone to dinner (the dinner doesn’t have to be that night :-) )

• July 16 – Write a thank-you note to someone who has been a help to me

• July 17 – Gratitude journal & prayer focus on kids/family

• July 18 – Health Day: Drink at least 5 glasses of water per day this week (I know it should be more, but considering that I usually drink 1-2, I think this is a good place to start)

• July 19 – Host a thank-you dinner for everyone who provided support for my Mozambique mission

• July 20 – Work on a project around the house that I have been putting off (So many to choose from…!)

• July 21 – RAK Day: Make dinner for someone

• July 22 – Do a special project with Monkey

• July 23 – Limit my internet time to 15 minutes/day for the next week

• July 24 – Gratitude journal & prayer focus on ministry opportunities/direction

• July 25 – Health Day: Track the food/calories I eat this week

• July 26 – Write a love note to my hubby :-)

• July 27 – Invite someone to church

• July 28 – RAK Day: Kids’ choice :-)

• July 29 – Do a special project with Lamb

• July 30 – Pray for a friend… while they’re listening! (Way out of my comfort zone…)

• July 31 – Gratitude journal & prayer focus on relationships

So… wow, that seems doable, right? I am so excited to share with you as I go through this month. I hope that you will be inspired to grow and maybe formulate some goals of your own. If you do, would you share them with me? I said this yesterday, but you can post a comment about your goals here, or you can post on your blog and leave a link. I would love to know if you do a journey of your own, whether it is 31 tasks like mine, a general list of goals that you’re aspiring to, or even just one simple thing you’d like to accomplish. There is strength in numbers, friends.

Alright, I’m off to feed my little guy his breakfast, then read my Bible, then head to 2 parties. I hope you all have a great weekend!

July: The month of... new... stuff

2011-07-01T07:10:00.001-04:00

A few weeks before I left for Mozambique, I noticed that I had gotten in a bit of a rut with my kids. There were things that they did that always got a rise out of me... I think I was so stressed out after Roo's diagnosis that cetain things just got under my skin and I overreacted to them, and then my brain/body just got in the habit of overreacting to those things. Suddenly it's a year later, I'm not nearly as stressed, but some of those behaviors from the kids would still send me from a perfectly good mood to completely angry in an instant. And of course, we're talking about majorly bad behavior here... honest... you know, like... if they got up early on a Saturday when I wanted to sleep in... Yeah, I was a little out of control.

So while I was away, I became determined to change those bad habits, to not be such a psycho mom over dumb stuff. I knew it would take some time and patience--and it has--but it has been a good thing. The morning after I got home, I was up a little bit early and looking forward to some time to myself... and then Lamb walked in. I immediately felt my blood start to rise--and then I forced myself to stop. I smiled and said, "Good morning, Honey! I'm so glad to see you--I missed you so much while I was gone!" And I gave her a big hug, and I enjoyed spending some quality time with her while everyone else was asleep. It sounds like a little thing... it IS a little thing. But it was a step. I was teaching my brain that just because I was used to reacting a certain way doesn't mean I have to. My new motto became "Retrain your brain." I would repeat this to myself any time I started to get frustrated with the kids over little stuff, and it worked.

In the days that followed I became more and more successful at choosing new, more positive ways of responding to my kids. Now, I know that I gave a pretty silly example about getting up too early, but overall I had just realized that my temper was too short with them. My discipline wass ineffective because I was too over-the-top angry about dumb stuff, and I was getting disproportionately (Come on now, tell me you're not impressed with the use of that word!) frustrated over small accidents or forgetfulness or other silly things that kids do. But I quickly got in the habit of stopping myself from reacting in what had become the "natural" way, and instead choosing better ways of interacting with my kids--and in the process, not just changing my external actions, but changing my internal attitudes as well.

As I really started to get into this idea of "retrain your brain", I also read an article about a book called The Happiness Project. The author, Gretchen Rubin, realized she was just going through life with no real focus, and life was passing her by. She decided that what she really wanted out of life was happiness, so she spent a year making changes to make that happen. Each month she had a new resolution, like singing in the mornings or keeping a gratitude journal. It sounded to me like she was retraining her brain too. ;-)
So, inspired by The Happiness Project and my success of my "retrain your brain" experiment, I have decided to devote a month to making some changes. But here's the thing... my focus isn't really on happiness. Because, well, happiness sounds like a nice thing, but... it's a little more self-focused than what I want to be. Gretchen asked herself what she really wanted out of life--that was how she got started. So what do I really want out of life? Well... I want it to not be about me. I want to be a better servant. I want to show the love of Christ to others. I want to be a better wife, mother, and friend--but not so that my husband, children, and friends will think, "Wow, she's really great!" I want to do it because I want to help them.

At the same time, some of the changes I need to make are completely internal. I need to work on being... maybe not a happier person, but a more content one. That's another thing I want out of life. I want to learn--to borrow from the apostle Paul--"the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Philippians 4:12) Happiness is a feeling, and it's OK to be unhappy sometimes. But I want to learn to be content regardless of my circumstances, my mood, my crazy hormones. ;-)

And so... for the next month, I will have a new resolution each day to help work toward these goals of becoming a better servant of God, servant of others, and a more content person. Some of them will be ongoing--tomorrow, for instance, my goal will be to read my Bible every day for the rest of the month--with the hope/expectation that I will continue to do those things after the month is done. Others will be more... self-contained... like writing a note of encouragement. But again, my hope is that these tasks will become more habitual for me and help me grow into the person I want to be.

Now to me, a project like this is much more effective if it is documented. So for the month of July, I will be blogging each day to journal my progress. I am really excited to share this little journey with you! I will still be blogging about the regular stuff, but I think this will be a fun addition to my regular (or... not-so-regular) posts.

So now I need to name this little project of mine. What on earth do I call it? I'd love to say that it's a month of service, but not all of the things I'm going to do are directly service-related--some of them are just about... well... self-improvement, I guess. But at the same time, "A Month of Self-Improvement" just sounds too... self-ish to me. I liked the sound of "30 Days of Change", but July has 31 days, and that just doesn't have the same ring. What do you think? Thoughts? Suggestions? No really, I'm open to some input here--leave me a comment if you have a good one. :-)

In the meantime, here is my task for the day... It is actually a 2-part task. First, I need to actually make a list of the tasks/resolutions I will be doing this month. And second, I want to write down exactly what my goals are--my life goals. Yeah, these are probably steps that should have been done ahead of time, but... there's no time like the present, right? Anyway, I really want to define my goals because I want this month to be about working toward something. I don't just want to do a bunch of stuff that sounds good. I want to be able to link each task/resolution to a specific goal so that I can make sure I'm focusing on what's important.

Are you ready to embark on this journey with me? Look out, world! And hey, if you are inspired to make some changes, whether it's just some abstract thoughts about things you want to change or you want to do a month-long project with me, will you let me know? Post a comment here, or post on your blog and leave the link here. Let me know we're in this together. ;-)

Thanks for walking alongside me in this. I'm off to make a list. ;-) (Oh, and I really do want a good name for this project...Any ideas?)

My (Super)Hero

2011-06-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

Lamb is at camp this week--I am so excited for her! We are very, very fortunate to have our church camp just 15 minutes away, and it is fantastic! She invited our neighbor girls to go with her, and it is just "day camp" for now--we pick her up each day at 5:00... except today (Wednesday). This is her "optional overnight", and she (and the neighbor girls) opted to stay. Since this is the child who routinely gets up 2-3 times a night because she is scared in her own room, I wasn't overly optimistic... but it is now 10 PM and I haven't gotten a phone call yet, so it looks like we might be good!

While she's away this week, I've been trying to spend some fun quality time with the boys, and today I promised Monkey I would take him to the zoo. We have a membership to our local zoo, and we probably go at least twice a month while the weather is nice. So this morning I packed Lamb's overnight bag (which, for the record, was probably the LARGEST overnight bag there...), then I packed up a bag of snacks & lunch (& a bottle & formula & baby food) to take to the zoo... which was still sitting right there on the counter waiting for us when we got home from the zoo.

So after I shelled out $20 for lunch (Seriously? For me & my 4-year-old??? Oh, and I did buy a little side of applesauce for Roo...), we had a nice beautiful day at the zoo. Right up until we were at the play area... and there were some bigger kids there... and they told Monkey that he isn't a superhero.

Uh-oh.

Well... fortunately (or not), Monkey is pretty ~~stubborn~~ ~~bull-headed~~ determined and willing to fight for what he believes in, so he didn't back down. No, he didn't actually fight them, but he yelled, "Yes I AM a superhero!" and then tried to show them his superpowers (which I think were supposed to be some kind of force field or fireballs or something coming from his hands)... but unfortunately that amused them more than it scared them. I could see that he was getting a little desperate and wasn't sure whether to explode in anger or explode into tears, so I called him over. He was fine until he opened his mouth to tell me about it... and then the tears came.

"They said I'm not a superhero!"

"I know, Buddy, I know. But you know what? That means you're doing a great job of disguising yourself, like Peter Parker. And I know you're a superhero. You're my superhero. I don't know what I would do without you around."

"OK, Mommy." "Can we go ride the train now?"

Mr. Fantastic and I have really worked hard not to lie to our kids... OK, aside from the whole Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy thing... I don't tell them that we're all out of pop if I don't want them to have any, I don't tell them that the McDonald's Play Place is closed if I don't have time to take them there, I don't tell them that the law says I can't do any Mommy Work after 8 PM (an actual tip I read in a parenting magazine)... but I wasn't about to tell him that he's not a superhero.

He's 4. He'll figure it out on his own way too soon.

But tonight, when I looked in his room and saw him sprawled out on his bed in his Superman pajamas... I couldn't imagine a better hero, super or otherwise.

Katy's Family Forest, Part 10

2011-06-29T15:40:00.000-04:00

So much of the next few years, Danielle and I just spent time redefining our relationship. Who were we to each other, exactly? What were the expectations? The parameters? Honestly, we're still working on that, and I think to some degree it will be a lifelong journey. (Because really, aren't all relationships constantly evolving?)

After all, to Danielle I have always been her daughter… but that was a bit weird for me at first. I mean, I have a mom (and a dad)... and it's not her. She was always a family friend, and someone who I really liked, but I felt no real connection to her, no familial love. It was difficult to just flip that switch. And I think we both struggled with how much we should expect to be in touch, how often we should see each other, that kind of thing. No real template exists for this kind of relationship, you know? We had no Robert's Rules of Order to follow, no Miss Manners to consult. So we muscled through, and though there were times that I was frustrated with her—and I'm sure vice versa—we managed. :-)

Now... are you ready for another twist to the story? A few months after Danielle and I had "reconnected," I started to notice a pattern. Yes, Danielle moved a lot, as I had mentioned before. But she also rarely lived alone. Most of the time that I had known her, she'd had a roommate—and not the same roommate, but a series of them. Honestly, this had never struck me as odd, that two single women might just want to share an apartment; but shortly after that first time she came to see me as my birth mom, she introduced me to her new roommate. Let's call her Pam.

The very first time that I met Pam, I knew. They weren't just roommates. And THAT is really when I started to think about the fact that Danielle had lived with several women in the years that I had known her. Now that doesn't mean that every one of them was a girlfriend, but looking back I'm pretty sure that Pam wasn't the first one.

Still, I was only 19 and honestly had never known anyone who was gay, so I asked my parents if they thought that she was. They weren't sure either, but weren't ruling it out. I decided that at that particular point in time, Danielle and I had enough to deal with, and I was going to leave well enough alone. It didn't take long for me to be certain, though. I could just tell every time I was around the two of them. Sometimes I could tell by the way they talked and laughed together, other times by the way that they fought; but each time they interacted, it wasn't just as women who shared an apartment to cut rent in half. Oh, and then there were the matching gold and diamond rings that they wore on their left hands. That too.

I could tell that Danielle thought I didn't know, and I could tell she preferred it that way, so I still just chose to leave it alone. Still, it raised a lot of questions for me… I mean, obviously at some point she wasn't gay, so when did this happen? Why? How long ago? And yes (please remember, this is my story and you don't have to agree), I believe that homosexuality is a sin… So what did this mean for her salvation (as she was—and is—a professing Christian)? And how would it affect our relationship?

These are, by the way, questions I still ask myself. To this day I don't know all the answers.

In the meantime, my own personal life was getting back on track. After my big heartbreak the same summer I learned about Danielle, I had a few more rough months… but then God really got ahold of my heart, and fortunately He's never let go. Things turned around dramatically sometime around Christmas of my sophomore year. I realized that I was weary of being so darn stubborn, and I just needed rest in His arms and His love—as hard as life as a Christian can be, it's so much easier to let God lead than to attempt to do it on your own.

Fortunately, this also seriously changed the type of guy I was looking for. Whew! (That was me breathing a sigh of relief for myself.) I had one semi-serious relationship with an old friend from Bible quizzing, but honestly that was over long before we broke it off. Still he was a decent, intelligent, nice, respectful guy—nothing like anyone I had dated for the two years prior.

And then while I was home for Christmas break in my junior year, I got a phone call from my aunt. Her youngest daughter—3 or 4 younger than me—was making some bad decisions in the boy arena, and my aunt asked if I would try to talk to her. Ha, like I had been a great role model. At least I could speak from experience! So I called and asked if I could take her out to lunch. She asked me if I would pick her up from work to go.

Lynn was still in high school, but was also working… hmmm, now that I think about it, I can't quite figure out how that worked. Maybe she worked after school and during breaks or something, I don't remember. Anyway, her boss was a man named Jon. She had gotten the job because her sister was married to one of Jon's best friends, and her family had gotten to know Jon over the years… And by "her family" I mean both her immediate and her extended family. As in me. I had met Jon when I was only 12 (he was 17), and I had a HUGE crush on him. For YEARS. All through junior high and high school. The last time I'd seen him was when my cousin and his friend had gotten married—we were both in the wedding. I had a boyfriend at the time, and I cried the whole way home from the wedding, because I still had such a crush on Jon! My poor boyfriend had no idea what was going on. Poor kid.

No wait. I had seen him one time after that. Yikes, this is even worse. He was the owner of a teen club, and I went to it with Lynn… just to see him. YEAH, like the fact that I was still young enough to be admitted to the teen club that he owned would be real impressive……. (By the way, he does not remember that night. Just as well. Not one of my shining moments.)

Anyway, that had been two or three years ago. Since the wedding, I had graduated from high school (valedictorian of my class), gone to college (with a huge scholarship!), excelled in all of my classes (the only girl in my particular field of study!), and was doing just fine, thankyouverymuch. I was not nervous in the least to see this guy I had drooled over for a good six years of my life, and I of course had no interest in him now. That, by the way, was my pep talk to myself on the way to Lynn's office, where I was quite likely to run into Jon again.

I went in, anxious both about seeing him again and trying to have this serious talk with my cousin, who I was quite certain didn't even want my advice. I didn't need to worry about the second one. She had known what was coming and decided to avoid it by playing off of my first anxiety… she invited Jon to come to lunch with us.

Forward progress :-)

2011-06-28T10:37:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know it's been a week. And yes, I know I missed my adoption story installment. And yes, I know I owe you a LOT more on my time in Mozambique. But you're not getting any of that today. In fact, you're not getting a big long post of any kind today. Today I am here for just one reason.

ROO IS CRAWLING!!!!

OK, maybe "crawling" overstates it a bit. It's not like he's zooming all over the house quite yet. But this morning he CRAWLED. He saw a toy, he got up on his hands and knees, moved one knee, then one hand, then the other knee, then the other hand, and so on... over and over until he got to the toy he wanted!

Have I always been this emotional? I don't think so. These tears are definitely new.

For the past couple of weeks he's been getting on his hands and knees, then lunging forward onto his belly, then pulling back up on his hands and knees, etc, to get wherever he wants to go. Then yesterday I saw him trying to slide his hands one at a time... and then today it just *clicked*!

I know I've said it before but... sometimes the milestones are just that much sweeter when you have to work so much harder for them! :-)

What a difference...

2011-06-21T17:12:00.000-04:00

For Roo's first birthday, I had these big plans to make a slideshow to share with you all, but I was a little overloaded at that particular point in time, and it just didn't happen. Then I had this great idea to make one for the one year "anniversary" of the date we found out that Roo has Down syndrome. I've been planning it in my head ever since.

And then... you'll never believe what happened next. I forgot about the anniversary. That day that I thought would be forever etched in my brain... it came and went just like any other day.

Down syndrome is part of our lives. It doesn't consume our lives. Wow... what a difference a year can make.

With every day that passes, I love that little boy more. And I also see more and more how Roo is exactly who God created him to be... and what a blessing that is to the rest of us.

In case you're wondering, the anniversary date was June 15. I had to go look it up. And even though I technically missed it, I wanted to do something to mark its passing. I wanted to do something to celebrate Roo and our lives with him.

And so... I bring you this video. I have put far more time (and smiles and tears...) into it than I had originally planned, but I am so thrilled with the finished product. I hope you enjoy it...

Strong suit

2011-06-20T09:16:00.000-04:00

I have to admit... as much as I love holding and snuggling a new baby... as much as I adore celebrating the milestones... as much as I melt with each belly laugh and sloppy kiss... the infant stage is not exactly my "strong suit." To be fair, I've been a parent for 6 years, and I'm not entirely I HAVE a strong suit yet. But anyway...

I love babies, but I don't know what to *do* with them. It's fun to play for a while, but I run out of ideas after approximately 2.5 minutes... and then I really need to get back to housework. Thankfully, that stage usually disappears around the time they can walk, and then they can entertain themselves a little bit better (at least while you're at home--when you're out & about, it's non-stop chasing). And you can interact a little better and... it's just easier. I just have to get through a few months of guilt over whether I'm spending too much time playing peek-a-boo & neglecting the house, or spending too much time tending the house & neglecting my poor child.

And then came Roo.

He is so sweet and so wonderful... and 14 months old and still smack in the middle of the infant stage. I sit down with him to do 30 minutes of uninterrupted play/therapy... we go at it for a while... then I check the clock and realize that I still have 25 minutes left. Are you kidding?!? We've been doing this for at least an hour, haven't we?

Please don't get me wrong. I am NOT complaining about spending time with my baby. I just feel a little bit bad for the guy. He's the youngest of 3, and none of my kids are exactly "self-sufficient." His mommy is just barely clinging to sanity as it is, and she isn't exactly spectacular with infants. And here's this baby, who is going to go through each stage of life more slowly than other kids, and who is going to need a little extra encouragement and play to develop... and his mommy totally sucks at it. Wasn't God supposed to take this all into account when He put our family together? And yes, I know that He did and that He knows what is best, but I'm just sayin'... I think poor Roo got the short end of the stick here.

So today my big kids are at VBS, and I'm trying to spend some quality time with Roo AND take advantage of a quiet house, and I just have one question... Any child development specialists out there wanna come over to play?

Pride in Africa

2011-06-16T14:02:00.000-04:00

So I have to admit… I didn’t have the best possible attitude leading up to my time in Mozambique. I was scared of stepping out of my comfort zone. I was afraid of the creepy crawlies… and the bigger stuff, too. I was nervous about traveling to that part of the world. I was unsure of my decision. I was a little upset with my husband for encouraging me to go. I was a little upset with God for not stopping me from going.

This mission was hard and scary and inconvenient.

It was about 24 hours after we arrived in Mozambique before I realized how proud I had been. This wasn’t hard and inconvenient. Nobody (including myself!) should be patting me on the back for making this “sacrifice” of going on this mission. No, this was a privilege. It was an honor to be allowed to be part of that team. Who am I that God would use me? Why should I get the absolute privilege of seeing a whole different part of His creation, of sharing and bonding with these beautiful women that He made? He is the God of the universe and He could have chosen anyone? Why me, especially with my crummy attitude?

I also realized that I had been prideful in my preparation. I had come in thinking that I was just going to be a fabulous teacher and God was going to use this to add to my repertoire of experiences and stories to use in future teaching/speaking opportunities. And as I sat in that teaching hut, it hit me how completely and totally self-focused I had been, and how very very very much this was NOT about me.

Unfortunately, God had to kind of hit me right in the face with it, in a bit of an embarrassing way. Our teaching sessions were 2 hours long, which is approximately 1 hour of actual teaching since everything has to be translated. On our first day, my teaching partner Carmen took the lead in the morning, and I was “on” for the afternoon. Before we started that day, I told Carmen that my greatest fear was that I would run out of stuff to say after about 25 minutes. I wish I had held my tongue. I started teaching at 2:00, and at 2:15 I realized that I was ¾ of the way through my outline. While Sonnet (our translator) was talking, I glanced at Carmen in an absolute panic and mouthed, “I’m almost done!” It was exactly 2:25—yep, 25 minutes—when I got to the end of the material I had prepared… and my mind was completely blank. I had NOTHING else to share.

But Carmen, God bless her, took right over and did an amazing job of making it up as she went… and it all fit perfectly. Perfectly. I could almost feel God tapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Katy, this is my show, not yours. I will provide the words, but you have to stop taking the credit or I’m going to take it away for you.” I was humiliated, but also truly humbled. I realized that I wasn’t there because I was so great. I was there because God was allowing me to be used by Him, to be part of the work He is doing there in Mozambique.

And guess what? That truth isn’t limited to Africa. No matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing… it’s not about me. (Is it just me, or does this sound familiar to anyone else? I am so darn hard-headed.) God doesn’t need me. He doesn’t think, “Oh thank goodness Katy is here—I wouldn’t be able to do it without her.” Ha! No, it is quite the other way around—I can’t do anything without Him, and every time He calls me to serve… it is an honor.

Once I found my proper perspective, the whole experience was different. My eyes were opened, and I was able to see Him and worship Him in a whole new way. The beauty of His creation, the love He has for his people, the way He is willing to work through us—because He loves us and wants to include us in His plan, not because He needs us. It was overwhelming… but in a much different way than I had been overwhelmed before. It was overwhelming in an indescribable, beautiful, amazing way.

Finally I was able to truly serve, the way He had intended for me to serve from the beginning. And the more I did, the more humbled I became. I served lunch to the women and church leaders who had come to the teachings, and it was an honor to do it. I realized the sacrifices the women were making to be present at the teaching—taking time away from the hard work they do just to survive—and I was humbled. I made a complete fool out of myself trying to dance with them, and I loved it. I held their hands, held their babies, held them up in prayer, and I was blessed. There was no more room in my heart for pride—it was too full of love.

Katy's Family Forest, Part 9

2011-06-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

I think I was in a fog for the rest of the day, maybe the next several days. My mind was working overtime, putting together all of the pieces of my relationship with Danielle over the years. I may have come to the conclusion that she was my birth mom before my parents told me, but that doesn't mean I was really able to wrap my mind around it right away!
The next morning I decided to call Danielle and let her know that I had found out everything. This was not as easy as it may seem, though. The last time I had seen or talked to her was at my high school graduation, about a month before my 18th birthday. I am assuming that she backed off after that because she was giving me space—she probably figured that I would find out about her within a few days of turning 18, and she wanted me to be able to get in touch with her when I felt comfortable. I'm sure she didn't expect me to wait over a year to search her out.

Anyway, apparently in that time, she moved. The previous summer she'd lived with a roommate in Columbus, and we called that apartment first… only to find out that she had moved suddenly and not left a forwarding address or phone number. We had one other contact—the family Danielle had lived with when she was pregnant with me. We called them, but they didn't know where she was either.

This was getting more complicated than I was ready to deal with.

And then… are you ready for this? The phone rang. Guess who.

Yep, I hadn't heard from Danielle in over a year, and now, WHILE I WAS TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO CONTACT HER, she called. Out of the blue. She had no idea that we were trying to get in touch with her.

Honestly… I don't remember much about that first conversation. I know that I answered the phone. I know that I told her I knew she was my birth mom, and I know she was relieved. But that's really all I remember. I don't think we got into any great details that day, but we set up a time for her to come visit.

That is when we were really able to talk.

It's difficult to relay to you my full story without telling hers… but I really don't want to betray her privacy. So let me sum up a lot by saying… Danielle didn't come from a stable background. She'd had a lot of struggles as a child and teenager, and she finally decided to join the Air Force. She felt that would give her some stability, some discipline.

And then she met him. Danielle was a mechanic in the Air Force, and there was a crash involving aircraft from her base, so the Air Force sent an officer to investigate. The man who would become my birth father. I honestly don't know how much of a relationship they had—I know that she says she was very much in love with him. I also know that he lived in a different state. And he was married. Not the makings of a healthy, committed relationship.

When Danielle got pregnant with me, it was mandatory that she leave the Air Force—adultery is not allowed. My birth father would have been asked to leave as well, except that she wouldn't tell anyone who he was. So suddenly she was on her own again. She returned to Ohio, to a pastor and his family who had taken her in during her late teen years, and then decided to go to Bible college.

In the meantime, by the way, my birth father was not offering any help to her… until a friend of hers basically blackmailed him. She threatened to tell his commanding officer that he was the father, which as I said before would have ended his career in the Air Force. So he started paying for her medical bills—although he didn't know that she had insurance that was already covering that. (Remember way back when I said my parents had wanted to help with her expenses, but she didn't need it? And the judge said if they had given her any money, he would have taken the baby away? Yeah, God works in mysterious ways……….)

And that was really all she could tell me. She knew his name, where he was stationed when the two of them met, and… well, that was pretty much it. Not much to go on if I wanted to find him… but then again, at that point, I really didn't. Right then I already had enough on my plate.

We had a good evening of just catching up and exchanging memories and filling in some gaps. And we promised to be in touch more.

But believe me, the story is far from over.

It’s a zoo over here… oh wait, you already knew that…

2011-06-13T16:15:00.001-04:00

Those of you who are Facebook fans (And if you're not, why not? Have you not realized that I thrive on acceptance & affirmation???) know that last week I posted that I was going to feed Roo his breakfast and then blog… but then I never did. I lied. Well, it wasn't so much a lie as it was wishful thinking. I actually had every intention of blogging, but it just didn't happen. Shortly after I posted that, I realized that I only had 2 days to plan 1 end-of-the-school-year celebration and 2 birthday parties, and suddenly errands jumped to the top of my to-do list. I'm sorry. But I'm here now, so can we be friends again? OK? OK. Whew, I don't know about you, but I feel much better.

So let me catch you all up on what's been happening at the zoo since my return from Mozambique. Roo staunchly refuses to say "Mama", despite Mr. Fantastic's self-proclaimed non-stop efforts while I was gone. He did, however, become quite proficient at "Dada", so you be the judge on what happened there.

He now has 4 teeth, and he can go from laying to sitting up all by himself.

He still isn't crawling, but he manages to wiggle, squirm, and launch himself just about anywhere he wants to go. He has suddenly decided that 5:45 is the PERFECT time to start the day, despite my adamant protests, but he is also going down to one FABULOUS nap—and if I'm lucky, I can get him to wait until after lunch for it—which has made life a lot easier during the day.

Lamb's last day of school was Thursday, so Monkey and I threw together a mini-celebration for her and our neighbor girls.

(We carpool with them, so it worked out perfectly. When their mom brought Lamb home, we had a little party set up for all three of them.) We baked chocolate chip cookies and made lemonade, and we set up a little snack table outside,

along with my oh-so-special banner

(It says "School is out!" if you can't see it) and some squirt guns, which the girls promptly ignored. But that's OK, because they still threw on their bathing suits and ran in the sprinkler. J It was nothing major, but it was a fun way to end the school year.

On Friday we celebrated Lamb's birthday with our family. She turned six while I was in Mozambique, which was quite hard on this mama, so we had to wait a little while for the parties. The cake was quite a fiasco. She originally requested a castle cake for her family party (something I made 2 years ago for her) and a Justin Bieber cake for her friend party (which was the next day). Well, I started on the castle cake, and it just completely fell apart. It was a total disaster. So at the very last minute, we went to a local bakery that makes unbelievably good cakes and requested a birthday cake for 20-25 people. Unfortunately, on one day's notice in the middle of graduation & wedding season… they couldn't accommodate us. BUT they had a single-layer round cake there that already had "Happy Birthday" on it, so we grabbed that and asked them to add her name to it.

Then I just whipped up a batch of strawberry cupcakes (since strawberry cake had been her original request) to help feed the masses.

You might think that buying a Justin Bieber cake would be relatively simple… but you'd be wrong. None of our local stores that sell "character" cakes carry a Justin Bieber one, so I was on my own. So I improvised—it's not exactly what I would call a fabulous cake, but Lamb was happy. J

So aside from the cake issues, the parties were both big successes. Lamb had tons of fun with her cousins & friends, and got completely spoiled. At her friend party, we made guitars…

…and danced & played games…

…but most of the time, the girls just wanted to play outside. (Note to self: Why waste time worrying about crafts & games, when all they want to do is swing? Next year, cake, presents, and swinging. Simplify.)

As for the post-Africa adjustment, it was much different than I expected. For the first few days after we were back, I was up SUPER early—typically around 4 AM—but felt pretty good. And then on Wednesday… Yikes! It hit me big-time, and I felt like I had been hit by a truck! Bad timing, too, since that was about the time I realized I needed to start getting everything ready for the weekend! But I managed to get through, and then on Sunday we played hooky from church my dear wonderful husband realized I needed a little extra sleep, so he got up bright & early with Roo and let me sleep in until 8 AM, which is fabulously late for me. And as an added bonus, I woke up to kisses from my big kids, who then led me downstairs to fresh waffles and "fruit chutney" (mangos & strawberries cut up with a little sugar on them—but Mr. Fantastic wanted to call them something fancy). We ate breakfast together, read books together, played together, and just enjoyed a nice, quiet family day. It was heavenly.

So now I finally feel like we're getting back to life as normal. It's a whole new normal, partly because Lamb is home for the summer and we're trying to figure out a new routine, and partly because I feel like I've been changed by my time in Mozambique. I'm excited to share more with you and have started on several posts. My plan right now is to post twice a week about the trip for a while… I'm not sure how long it will take me to share everything I feel like I learned… maybe it'll only take a week or two, maybe it'll last all summer. Either way, I hope you stick around for this new part of my journey, along with hearing about my past (I forgot to post the Family Forest installment last Wednesday—sorry about that), and of course the continuing stories of life with the three wild & crazy animals.

Mozambique, in brief

2011-06-06T05:26:00.001-04:00

Good morning! I'm HOOOOOOOOME! I have missed you all and wish I could have blogged while I was gone--although honestly, we were so busy that I'm not sure I would have had time anyway. But I am so so so thankful to Patti, Jamey, and Erin for keeping you all entertained while I was gone. I hope you enjooyed their posts and checked their blogs out as well--and if you stopped over from one of their blogs and decided to stay a while, welcome! :-)

Mozambique was amazing. Incredible. Unbelievable. Life-changing. At times heartwarming, at others heartbreaking. It was truly an experience that I will never forget, and one that I hope changes me for good. I am still trying to figure out the best way to tell you all about it--there is so much to share!!!

For this morning, though, I just want to give you a little peek. On the way home, the pastor who led our team asked if we would each write a brief summary, explaining what we think is "the big deal" there--why our church is/should continue to be involved in the villages in Mozambique. I'd like to share with you what I wrote, and a few pics too...

********

“Have mercy on us!” the woman cried. “This is the water we use for drinking, cooking, bathing, and eating! Have mercy on us!”

To me, those four words sum up our entire reason for being in Mozambique. Mercy for physical needs—not wealth, not handouts, just some help with getting clean water.

The people in the village of Macalawane, where we saw this woman, are “lucky” to have a source of sweet (not salt) water… but it is dirty and full of bacteria. Cholera outbreaks and alligators are deadly predators in the drinking water throughout Mozambique. Water, one of the most basic needs of mankind, is a source of fear and desperation.

Women walking with huge jugs of water on their heads prove that they are willing to work for what they need—they just don’t have the resources to get clean water for themselves. They need a little help, a little mercy.

But they need mercy for their spiritual needs as well. Traditions, witchcraft, and ancestor worship leave them deeply fearful. They work to please their family members who have passed on, they strive to please the spirits. They need to know that Christ has set them free—that He doesn’t require their works for their salvation. They just need to accept His free gift of salvation, His mercy.

Providing sources of clean water takes hard work and money. Wells or ditches may need to be dug, tanks may need to be installed—it’s not an overnight solution. It’s the same with leading people to Christ—convincing them to let go of their time-honored traditions, that they don’t need to appease an angry God, is slow going. But the opportunity to provide someone with clean and living water is priceless.

Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. –Psalm 28:2

At the end of our time in each village, they held a farewell for us and presented us with gifts. The material wrapped around my shoulders is called capulano and is what they use for their skirts, for tying their babies on their backs, for carrying loads of stuff, and just about anything else! The head scarf is also something that they traditionally wear. Both of these were incredibly sacrificial gifts from a people who just DON'T HAVE extra money.

Our team!

Guest Blogger: Erin

2011-06-03T00:01:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer: I posted this over on my blog a few months ago, but in re-reading it recently, I was reminded afresh at how much God wants to wrap His hands around my life and help steady it if I will just allow Him. Did you know we matter to Him? Did you know we can build amazing towers with our lives if we ask for His support? I pray you’ll be blessed by this today.

Levi is my now two-year-old (Someone please tell me when that happened and how to stop the train. I can't believe the chubby cuteness I love is TWO. It's just not possible.), and we are noticing more and more of his personality growing and coming out. He is utterly and completely enchanting. Since I am an oldest child, I am seeing so much of my own personality coming out in him and usually I just laugh, but more often than not, lately I am taking pause and really watching. And through it, God is really teaching me not only about Levi (and our relationship), but myself and our relationship (mine and God's).

A few weeks ago, Matt and I were getting ready to go somewhere and Levi was playing in our room with his blocks. He LOVES to stack them and then cheer for himself and then make us cheer for him. ("Mo-mma? Yay! [while clapping hands]") Because he's just a wee man, he doesn't always get it right because his foundation isn’t solid or he's building his towers on the rug in our room, so they topple over after only a few blocks being stacked upon each other. This particular morning, he got 3 three blocks stacked before the whole thing came crashing down.

His response was to kick and hit out at the blocks, then cry and drop to his bottom very hard. I was really taken aback, but I calmly (for once, go Momma!) dropped to his side and said, "It's okay, Levi. You can just try again. Here, Momma will help you." But he didn't really want to try again. UNTIL he saw that the two blocks I stacked weren't falling over. Then, with my hands steadying his wobbly tower, he got every single block stacked. And he was so proud.

It was only then that I felt God saying to me, "Don't you react to things the same way sometimes? Don't you cry and kick out when you try something ONCE and then decide that you'll never try again? Don't you think I am right there waiting to help and steady your wobbly tower?"

There have been so many times in my life that I've either never even tried or tried once without success that I say, "Never again." Especially spiritual things. "Oh, I'll never finish this Bible study. I might as well just give up. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get out of it, anyway." "Oh, well, see, I tried exercising, but it was just so hard and I felt so awkward and uncomfortable that it's just useless. I will always be this way." “See? I tried opening up to that person/reached out in an uncomfortable situation and now look. They don’t want to be my friend.” Or it could be something that God is calling me to do that I feel incapable of doing; inadequate ("Are you sure you have the right girl, God?" Just call me Moses.)

But God says "no" to that. Just like I wouldn't let Levi give up and admit failure, He won't and doesn't let me give up or admit failure. He is right there and He will drop to my side any time I need Him. Isn't that comforting? My little wobbly towers matter to the King of Kings. He wants to see me succeed and flourish. Just like I want to see Levi succeed and flourish. Incredible.

I know I've been a bit redundant, but I am still mulling over and marveling at the lesson God taught me through Levi and his alphabet blocks. If we are open to the Holy Spirit and looking for Him during our day, God will show us amazing things.

I am praying that God will show you your own wobbly towers that He is just aching to steady and help you erect.

Blessings,
Erin

Guest Blogger: Jamey

2011-06-02T00:01:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a very unoriginal thought lately (my apologies to those of you were suffering from the delusion that I was bright or creative).

There are seasons to life. This season that I'm in will not last forever. When I just totally do a parenting-face plant and I just act wrong wrong wrong then I'm relieved that 'this too shall pass'. At other times when kids are collaboratively playing peacefully makes me start to feel wistful and like I should just squeeze them to pieces before they're too big.

Also what that means is that this season of my marriage will not last forever. We will not always be playing "pass the child" because someday, despite my inability to really imagine it, we will have a house without children. When my husband is stomping around in the morning because he can't find his cover I'm ready for the season to change. When he's the one who proposes in-home trick or treating for our kiddos who can't handle "real world" trick or treating and goes to Costco to buy the candy and when the kids stampede each other when he comes home at night and they all spend ten minutes before he's even ready to leave in the morning screaming "bye daddy!" from the breakfast table then I never want the season to change.

This season with my lack of career will not last forever. I might have changed four poopy diapers today, but soon a time is coming when it will be four days then four months, then four years, and then I won't even remember when the last time I changed a diaper was. My season will change and there will be time for a graduate degree, a "real" job, or whatever else I choose to do with my time.I don't have to do it all now. That's something I struggle to remember because as soon as I decide I want something to happen I want it to happen NOW. If I want to write a novel then surely I'm supposed to do it NOW. If I want a child then I should have one NOW. If I want to go a great vacation I should start planning it NOW. But really, training to run a marathon may not happily coexist with three preschoolers. I don't need to to do it all now, really. There will be times in my life when I cannot even imagine the things that I will have time to be able to do. I cannot wait!

Seasons will change. My life will change. I will change. My family will change. I'm trying to worry less and enjoy more. I'm trying to look at today with the perspective that I'll have tomorrow looking back at yesterday. (It does make sense) It changes things.

I'm taking my feelings of nostalgia, longing, fear, and regret during this challenging season and I'm giving them to my King because he promises rest for the weary. When I stop focusing on everything else, and train my eyes to see Him then I will not necessarily ease or luxury, but contentment. Do I want to teach my children to be stressed, harried, rushing multi-taskers? NO! But how often is that what I demonstrate to them.

I'm learning to slow down, to smile more, to skip the critique and begin and end with encouragement. I'm turning the tv off and and snuggling my babies up with a stack of books and blankets. I'm not fussing at them from across the house, but laying on the floor with them and being there with them, even if it's just to break up the squabbles more intimately. I'm biting back the "hurry up!" which seems to come unbidden and instead smiling and encouraging them as they try to climb into their carseat, get their arms through the straps, and finally get the buckles latched. There will be a time for me to walk out of the house and be backing out of the driveway in 60 seconds, but it's going to be awhile! I'm swallowing my tongue when I want to shout "be careful! Stop it!" Because what's it going to hurt? I'm joining in the fun more and sitting on the sides less because no one can show me where the rule is that says "moms can't have fun".

I want to take this season for all that it has to offer me even if that is diapers, whining, and being tied to naptime. It's okay because along with those things comes being greeted with joy every morning, the hysterical nature of the things preschoolers say, and witnessing my children learn their way into the world. I also want to give my children everything that I can give to them during this season of life.

I'm starting to see our lifetime unfurling before us and it's going to be incredible. I can't really even fathom what secrets the seasons in front of us will hold, but I believe that each age and phase we experience with our children (and their en masse ages!) and the phases that Andrew and I will go through as a couple. It's good stuff though and I will try really hard to take it as it comes.

What have been your favorite seasons of life as a mom or a wife? Were you ever surprised that you actually loved your kids' middle school years even more than preschool? What mind tricks do you use to propel yourself through the colder seasons and back into spring?

Katy's Family Forest, Part 8

2011-06-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

I can't remember if I mentioned this at the beginning or not, but I feel the need to break in now and tell you that I have changed the names in this story to protect... well, everyone. ;-)

So my parents decided to reach out, to give my biological mother a chance to be part of my life.

And that—basically from "part 5" to now—is what they shared with me that Sunday afternoon in August of 1998. No, they didn't just leave me in suspense… but when they got to that part, I knew. "It's Danielle, isn't it?" I said.

They just stared at me. "Did you know?" my mom asked.

No, I hadn't found out early. I hadn't known when they started or when they talked about the connection with my aunt or at any specific point in the story… it had just sort of come to me, throughout the course of the talk.

I think I mentioned early in this whole story that I had wondered about my biological family as I was growing up. I think it's only natural, knowing that you're adopted, to wonder. I would wonder about the cashier at the grocery store or the lady crossing the street in front of us or even (and in some ways, especially) people we would see when we were traveling—on a bus in Seattle, in a restaurant in Colorado, at a hotel in New York. It's not that I was obsessive about it, it's just one of those daydreams that flitters through your mind when you're not thinking about anything else. "Could this be…?"

And throughout my life, I would wonder about certain people we knew, especially single women with no kids. They just seemed to fit the mold of possibilities, and Danielle was one of them.

Danielle had always been a "family friend" as far as I was concerned, and although she was younger than my parents and didn't really live close by, I never really questioned her connection with my parents. I knew that she had gone to the same Bible college that they had at one time attended, and it never really occurred to me that they wouldn't have all been there at the same time.

But now, things were clicking. I was making connections in my head—phone calls on my birthday, Danielle coming to a piano recital… my graduation… things like that. They hadn't stood out to me as odd before, but now they made sense in a whole new way.

And then they explained how it had all come about. Now at this juncture I need to explain that there is a chance I am going to get some of the details wrong on this next little bit… I am purposefully not going back to my parents to ask them to confirm every little thing I am about to tell you, because I want it to be my story, the way that I remember it—or at least, the way I remember hearing it that day.

I believe I was about a year old before my parents made contact with Danielle. They called my aunt who had helped put them together in the first place, and explained that they wanted to meet her. They went out to visit, and I think that they met at church the first time. In fact, I don't think Danielle ever saw me that day—I was in the nursery, and I don't think she felt ready to go back and see the baby that she had given up.

Shortly after that, my parents extended an invitation for her to come to their home. I don't know who all was over that day, but I know my mom said that Danielle held me and went outside, and she carried me as she walked all the way around the outside of their house. I can't even imagine all of the thoughts and emotions that must have been inside of her that day as she held the child she never thought she'd see again.

And that's how it started. Over the years, Danielle really did become a family friend. She had a lot going on in her own life—although that's her story to tell, not mine—and I think my parents felt like they had adopted both of us at times! She moved a lot, most of the time within Ohio, but at one point I remember her living in California, but we would usually see her at least a couple of times per year.

I liked Danielle (I still do, of course J), and it was neat to hear the story and see it all come together… but it was still a lot of information. A lot of emotion. A lot of confusion. My parents gave me some papers that they had been saving for me—the card from my hospital bed, letters from the attorney, my adoption certificate, medical information on my biological parents, and a letter that Jan had written to my mom the day after I was born. It was so great… and yet so much.

My head was spinning, and my body was literally shaking. I just couldn't take it all in.

And then, it was time for me to go to work.

8 things to do if your baby is diagnosed with down syndrome

2011-05-31T00:04:00.002-04:00

Hi, Katy fans!

Patti here, from A Perfect Lily, and I'm guest blogging again today for Katy while she's gone. I recently posted on my blog about help that is available for new moms of babies with Down syndrome. While this list certainly isn't comprehensive, it does include some very valuable resources that helped me so much in the first year of Lily's life. I hope you'll click on each one of the links below and check out what each one has to offer. If there's one thing I've learned this past year, it's that there is a vast online community that offers so much support for parents of children with special needs. I've been blessed by every one of the different communities I've listed, and I know you will be too.....

So here are my 8 things to do if your baby has been diagnosed with Down syndrome...

1) Get connected. Join the Down syndrome community on Babycenter.com and meet hundreds of other moms who are blessed to be sharing this journey with you. Ask questions, read other mom's advice, brag, vent, rejoice, connect.

2) Go to Downsyndromepregnancy.org

I cannot say enough about this amazing resource for new moms. I so wish I had this when I was pregnant with Lily- it would have completely helped alleviate so many fears and concerns.

3) Read other blogs. There is an extensive list here that is wonderful. Blogs are what gave me a "real life" view of what our future held for Lily. More than any book or packet of information, they helped me process what a diagnosis of Down syndrome would mean.

4) Go to Reece's Rainbow. Learn more about the abandonment of children with Down syndrome in countries abroad, their living and dying conditions in orphanages and mental institutions, and donate for a waiting child’s adoption grant. The things our children face here in the US pale in comparison to what children in other nations are facing- gaining a new perspective on what "suffering" was really was the turning point for me personally as a mom. Involving myself in advocating and fundraising for kids on RR made me realize how blessed we are to be given the gift of Down syndrome.

and speaking of that....

4) There's only two more days left for our Canon Rebel Giveaway. So far $5,516 has been raised for a precious orphan named Albina. An anonymous family is matching donations dollar for dollar up to $5,000...which means that Albina now has over $10,000 in her account! Just leave a comment on the giveaway post saying you donated at least $10 to Albina, and be entered to win a Canon Rebel Digital SLR camera.

and speaking of that...

5)Spread the word that Albina has a huge grant waiting for an adoptive family to help with the cost of her adoption. Spread the word about the giveaway either by blogging or posting on Facebook and leave a comment on the giveaway post saying you did so, to be entered AGAIN to win the Canon Rebel. Become a follower on A Perfect Lily and be entered a third time!

6) Join IDSC For Life

I'm proud to be a member of this organization, and I love their mission statement:

IDSC for Life is dedicated to promoting the dignity and respect for all individuals with Down syndrome, from conception and throughout life. We are a coalition that has worldwide representation. Our mission is to celebrate and enhance the lives of individuals with Down syndrome, as well as to ensure fair and accurate representation in the case of prenatal diagnosis. IDSC for Life will accomplish this mission by educating medical staff and families with a prenatal diagnosis, as well as offering current and up to date information.

If you would like information on IDSC please contact Diane Grover at IDSCforLife@gmail.com.

7) Expect Don't Accept

This is the biggest lesson I've learned this past year. My daughter is capable of far more than I imagined, and I'm not going to settle for old stereotypes of what her diagnosis means.

Who says babies with Down syndrome aren't smart??

7) Read this Mother's Day Message. Over 50 mamas contributed and I guarantee you'll love it. Grab a box of tissues before you go:)

And finally...

8) REJOICE! You are about to embark on one of the most amazing, rewarding, and fulfilling journeys this life has to offer. I say that without hesitation. We've only been on this journey a year, and already Lily has taught us so much about enjoying and celebrating life to the fullest. Each milestone is treasured and valued, and I find myself being truly amazed at what that extra chromosome means. I've made literally hundreds of new friends since Lily's birth, and I am forever grateful for my eyes being opened to other children who share her designer genes. Besides the gift of salvation, Lily is the greatest gift I've been given in life.

Happy Tuesday!!

Guest Blogger: Erin

2011-05-27T00:01:00.002-04:00

Hi again! Today I introduce our third guest blogger during my Mozambique mission. Erin is a dear, dear friend who has moved entirely too far away. She is a wonderful mom to 2 adorable little boys, and she blogs at The Wonder Years. Enjoy, & have a great weekend!

Hi everyone! As you know, I’m Erin, a friend of Katy’s from college. You know, way back in the olden years.

I can’t really remember not being friends with Katy, but I vaguely remember how we met (such a ringing endorsement, I know). Our junior years, we happened to live on the same floor in Miller Hall (oh, how this is bringing back memories) across the hall from one another. Since Heidelberg is such a small school, I knew who Katy was, but we hadn’t had any classes together. And then, we began hanging out and talking. We discovered a mutual love of music, worship and singing, specifically, as well as similar experiences in our past, for good and bad. And through our sharing and getting to know each other, God helped us form what has become to me one of the dearest friendships I’ve ever had. And though I don’t get to see her nearly as often as I would like, ours is a friendship that is one of those beautiful ones where you can go a while between catching up, but it’s like time hasn’t stopped. She is truly one of the best friends I could ask for and that she is a sister in Christ just makes me all the more blessed.

Okay, that’s enough of that. :)

When Katy asked me to guest blog during her trip to Mozambique, I was honored that she would want me to share with you all; I’m praying now that she doesn’t lose all of her readers! :)

I’ve been praying about what I should share with you all, and I pray that God will speak through me and maybe touch some of you.

Since I have become a mother, I have struggled to find the balance between keeping our home clean and picked up (what mother hasn’t?) and making sure I’m spending enough time with Levi and Seth. I found myself in a never-ending cycle of guilt at the end of every day. “Oh, I didn’t get the [insert daily household chore here] done today. I guess I spent too much time with the boys.” “Oh, I did too much cleaning/bills/cooking/laundry today...I should have been spending more time interacting with the boys.”

Do you see the pattern? Every day, every day, I would vacillate between guilt over “should haves.” It became a tremendous burden, and there were times that I felt a literal weight on my shoulders. I was not living a victorious life, and I was not honoring God with my time or “accomplishments.” Now, don’t get me wrong, every thing I was doing had a purpose and every minute I spend with my sons is, I believe, furthering the kingdom of God, but my motivation was where I was going astray. I was placing a set of expectations on myself that no one was holding me to but myself! Crazy, isn’t it?

Then, one afternoon, I realized (after a timely conversation) that the “should haves” were killing me and robbing me of joy that I could have every day! From that afternoon till I write this, God has been working in me and releasing me from those expectations that weren’t from Him to begin with. It’s been a long road, and I’m not completely there, but the peace that has come from realizing the freedom I can have (and that God wants me to have) has been life changing.

Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” I believe I was living my life as the foolish woman in this verse. I was so consumed with my house that I was tearing it down by prioritizing things and my home over my husband and children (by being consumed with a false set of expectations, not actual neglect). Now, I’m rebuilding it through the help of the Lord (and a very timely Bible study I can’t recommend enough--‘Breaking Free’ by Beth Moore) and a support system of great friends and my husband.

I encourage you to ask God to reveal any area(s) in which you might be like the foolish woman and tearing down your house. The great thing (well, one of the great things) about our God is that if He shows it to you, He will help you gain freedom from it. I promise.

Blessings and love,

Erin

Guest Blogger: Jamey

2011-05-26T00:01:00.003-04:00

Hello friends! I hope you all enjoyed Patti's post on Tuesday. Today I am introducing our next guest blogger, Jamey from Zehlahlum Family. I know Jamey IRL (geek speak for In Real Life), and although I haven't seen her in years, Facebook and Blogger have made us closer than we ever were before. :-) Jamey and her husband have 3 children, 1 of whom was adopted from Ethiopia last year. I love her honesty & transparency... and her willingness to laugh at herself (and her children). Enjoy!

I get it. You want to ask. I know. I always wanted to ask. I still want to ask. I used to stare. I don't stare anymore because I have to watch my kids...the same ones you're watching. I see it. You see it too. Let's just say it like it is:

My kids are ADORABLE!! It's true and maybe that's even what "you" were thinking, but it's probably not what you were going to say. Let me help you!

Honestly, we haven't really had a problem with people saying awkward/weird/rude things since we've been home. Sure there's been an issue or two, but I haven't even needed to punch anyone in the mouth yet. Another thing that I want to say right off the bat is that I don't mind talking about our adoption with you. It's not a secret or something we're ashamed of that we adopted Boohoo. At this point in her life, she doesn't mind us talking about it so no worries.

Let's say that we're standing next to each other in the grocery store. You notice that my ~~clothing~~ family does not "match " and you want to talk shop about adoption.

Worst: "Is she yours?" Whether you're asking Andrew about me or me about Boohoo I'm going to be upset. You're completely ignoring part of my family and completely objectifying whoever you're talking about. Who do you belong to?

Bad: "Are they all yours?" Well, at least here you've included all of us in your awkward question, but still, this isn't great. Why don't you just ask Andrew, "How much does your wife sleep around, 1 kid worth, 2? All of them? Have you no pride, man?!"

Better: "Was your daughter adopted?" I told you I don't mind talking about this, especially since my daughter is young. If you're being nosy about an older kid you might have to just forget it. What I think makes this okay is that you're acknowledging our relationship--daughter daughter daughter. Don't say 'she', say daughter! Also key, at least to me, was, she was adopted, now she is my daughter. Plus, it's what you want to know so ask it. Probably you're thinking about adopting, or your best friend adopted or you just like adoption. If you don't have a bad attitude I won't either.

Best: "Your children are beautiful." Because that's the truth. But don't just say "your daughter is beautiful" because odds are good that my boys are standing right there too and they are beautiful too.
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Worst pt 1: "I could never love somebody else's child." First of all, I hope nothing ever happens to your spouse and you decide to remarry and fall in love with a single dad/mom. Secondly, way to broadcast your shortcomings. Thirdly, she isn't 'someone else's child' your child is someone else's. She is MY child. Fourth, you don't know what you can do until you do it. Put your feet to the street and you might surprise yourself.

Worst pt 2: "You must be such a great/patient person." I'm sorry. Just give me a minute and I will stop rolling around on the floor laughing. I am just a person. I have good points and bad. I have character strengths and character flaws. I'm not anything special. I'm not WonderWoman. I'm "every woman". I can and sometimes do cry myself to sleep at night praying for the patience that my children deserve from me and the grace to bring out the greatness in them. Let me give you my blog url....

Worst pt 3: "She is so lucky." Shoot. This goes right along with the one before this. Lucky is being raised by your parents who have loved you desperately from the time they were dreaming of you until you were placed slippery and squirming into their welcoming arms and every day since then in the country and culture of your birth, healthy and out of reach of poverty. It is not luck that makes lose everything you've ever had and relearn everything you used to know with utter strangers and utter strangeness before your third birthday. If your standard of "luck" is ---hey, she's not dead! then I guess we're all lucky.

Best: "You look like such a great family." That's all you need to say. We are great. And we are a family. Thanks for noticing!

Don't Ask the Following Questions Randomly in Public:

"How old is he/she?" The odds are pretty good that I/other adoptive parents don't know and it involves a long drawn out conversation which while I don't mind explaining will give my children the time to empty every box in the cereal aisle. Instead say, "I have a niece/nephew/godchild/son/daughter that age." Because that's what you're going to say anyway whether my daughter is two or three or four. Besides this just focuses on our common ground and lack of sanity.

"How much did she cost?" Don't say this to me, okay? I might come back and ask you how much the copay on your scheduled unnecessary c-section was and there's no reason for either of us to go there. I can tell you the cost of her ever-expanding collection of shoes and the rising cost of keeping Boohoo in jeans that actually fit her (!), but she did not cost. If you're interested in knowing about the expenses incurred during the legal process of adoption (which is what we did) then you can find that information in about twenty seconds worth of internet research. If you want to talk about those expenses and we're not standing in public and these aren't the first words you utter to me then maybe we can talk about it.

"Did you hear about that mom who sent her kid back?" I did, yes. Did you hear about the 423,773 kids who are in foster care in the States because their parents cannot/will not take care of them? I would be so happy to discuss ethics in adoption and post-adoption resources with you, so happy, but you'd better have some time on your hands. Additionally, I don't want to discuss some things in front of my preschoolers. I know, I'm "sheltering" them, but it's my job as a parent. I won't discuss ways in which adoption isn't permanent in front of my adopted three year old. She knows families don't always mean forever and we're trying our hardest to abate that feeling of uneasiness.

"Why was she given up for adoption?" Let me count the ways that this is not anyone's business. I think that this question still comes up because people don't understand that adoption is built on loss, it's just a big core of loss, wrapped up in loss, covered in more loss, and surrounded by more loss. Maybe when tossed that "ball of loss" landed somewhere nice and comfy, but that doesn't change what it is. If you were standing in line next to a man who was missing a limb would you ask him what happened? Nope. Because you realize that you might get decked, it's none of your business, and it would dredge up intense emotions. Same thing.

I do want to reiterate that I am NOT opposed to talking about adoption, ethics, racial issues, etc. This post might sound defensive, but it's not intended to. I just want people to think before they speak and remember who is listening. There is a lot lot lot more leeway if we are friends or becoming friends, or if we're in a home setting where it's not a creepy thirty second encounter. And then, please remember that my kids are listening and they are smart. I've raised them to believe that adults know how to act respectfully and are smart. Please, don't make a liar out of me!

Katy's Family Forest, Part 7

2011-05-25T00:01:00.002-04:00

Geez, I can't believe we're at part 7 already—I didn't even know there were 7 parts to this story! J Actually, that's not true. There's still a lot to come…!

Yes, once my parents had officially adopted me and had been given the she's-fully-your-responsibility-no-matter-what speech, I came down with pneumonia. I was hospitalized and put in a tent where they used cold mist on me. My mom said it was torture to watch, because as a parent you always want to keep your baby dry and warm—this completely went against her instincts! But they survived, and so did I. J

And we also all survived that summer, when I was at a picnic with my family and poured a thermos of hot coffee on myself, prompting another trip to the hospital. Apparently my current state of clumsiness is nothing new.

As for my adoption, I'm a little fuzzy on the timeline of what happened next. But basically… well, first let me give you some background.

My mom (my mom, not my biological mother) was the youngest of six children, and her family lived on a farm in a small Ohio town. Unfortunately, her mother died of complications from childbirth just a few days after my mom was born. Her father suddenly found himself dealing with the loss of a spouse, raising his older five children, raising a newborn, and still trying to maintain the farm to provide for his family. He soon realized that he couldn't do it all, and he asked his sister and her husband to take care of the baby for a few months. A few months turned into years, and my mom never returned to her biological father and siblings. She was raised close to them geographically and knew them, but the people that she called her parents and siblings were biologically her aunt, uncle, and cousins.

Are you confused? J

I believe that her own situation is at least part of the reason my mom had wanted to adopt a child in the first place. And now that she had me, she thought again about her life growing up, and the fact that she had never known her biological mother. She wanted me to have that opportunity.

She called my aunt, the one who had connected my parents with my birth mom in the first place, and asked if my birth mom might be interested in being a part of my life. Up to this point, they had never met—the court hearings, the attorney meetings, even my parents' arrival at the hospital, had all been timed so that my parents and my birth mom didn't ever see each other. But now they were reaching out, willing to meet.

But would she want to meet them? Would she be able to handle seeing this child that she had given up? Could she be a part of her life knowing that she couldn't be the mother she wanted for her child?

What If ?

2011-05-24T02:20:00.004-04:00

If you're a loyal reader here on Katy's blog, I just wanted to take a second to introduce myself as her first guest blogger while she's gone. Katy and I became friends through blogging, and I am so thankful for her Godly example as a wife and mother and Christian. She had me hooked from the first moment I started reading here, and I'm so honored that she'd allow me to "fill her shoes" while she's gone. I'm praying for wonderful things to happen for her as she travels to Mozambique!

My name is Patti, and I'm the proud mama of ten wonderful children. Our youngest child, Lily, arrived in life genetically enhanced a year ago last January.

I started a blog about Lily during my pregnancy with her, before we knew she had Down syndrome. What started out as a journal about my feelings and emotions during those early months of her diagnosis, turned into a wonderful platform to advocate for her and for children who share her designer genes.

I truly believe Lily is a gift from God. I don't say that to gloss over the challenges she'll face in life, but because our family has been so blessed since her arrival... there really isn't a better word to describe what she is to us- she is a perfect gift from Heaven.

This week on her blog, A Perfect Lily, we are hosting a giveaway for a little girl named Albina, who lives in an orphanage in Eastern Europe. I am re-posting my giveaway post here today...I hope you'll come enter to win and help save the life of this precious little girl...

**********************************

What if?

What if by some cruel twist of fate I woke up one morning to find that the tables were turned, and my beautiful and perfect Lily were lying in an orphanage, somewhere in Eastern Europe?

What if she had lived out the past 16 months of her life with no mommy and daddy to love her, no brothers and sisters to dote on her every day?

What if instead, she spent most of her waking hours in a crib, staring at the slats of the bars and playing with only her fingers or feet for comfort? What if she cried herself to sleep at night, because there was nobody who cared or had the time to attend to her when she woke up scared or lonely or sad?

What if she didn't eat when she was hungry, go to sleep with a full belly, or have her basic needs met with loving care?

What if my Lily stayed in that orphanage for many years, never leaving it to see the world around her? What if the only connection she had to the outside world was an occasional trip to the playground on the orphanage grounds...but for the most part she was locked away, an outcast of society?

What if she never received the help she needed through therapy with her beloved Karen, never had the opportunity to develop skills, to grow, to learn...

What if Lily never got the medial attention she needed when she was first born, had attention given to that tiny hole in her heart that doctors watched so carefully...what if she survived simply because she existed, devoid of any quality of life?

What if she were never celebrated for the treasure that she is, never nurtured or praised or adored? What if there were no parties or gifts or songs to commemorate that beautiful day she made her entrance into the world, nothing that distinguished that day from any other day of her secluded and monotonous life?

What if, after being shut away in that orphanage for five years, she woke one morning to find herself being whisked away from the only home she'd ever known- however stark or isolated- to the horror that is the Institution? What if, because of the inability of any five year old, let alone one with cognitive delays, she could not comprehend what had happened to her? What if there were no one to explain to her why her head was being shaved, her tiny arms tied to a crib, or where her friends had gone, and why no one was coming back for her to save her from the nightmare that was now her life?

What if that were my Lily's fate?

What would I do?

In the words of a dear friend.....

I would beg, borrow, and obsess myself to make sure she knew love and felt valued and wanted. If Lily were alone on the other side of the ocean, I would find her and rescue her no matter what the cost or how much dignity needed to be compromised.

Albina is my Lily.

She's no more deserving of the fate that awaits her than my child.

Or yours.

She is a beautiful and precious treasure, waiting for someone to recognize her value.

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. James 1:27

Albina is an orphan in Eastern Europe. Because she was born with Down syndrome, she is considered a burden to her society, an outcast to be hidden away.

An anonymous family has committed to matching dollar for dollar donations for her up to $5,000. So far, through the generosity of so many like-minded people, she now has $2,873 in her grant fund on Reece's Rainbow. If she receives $5,000, her grant fund will be $10,000. Enough to entice a family to step forward to adopt her.

I have a feeling her sweet little face is enough- but due to the nature of international adoptions, it's going to take a pile of money for someone to rescue her.

I don't want money to be the thing that stands in the way of Albina being given a chance at a normal life.

I've seen people respond in monumental ways to the needs of orphans over the past 6 months. Just last week, Kareen met her family for the first time- in large part because of what many of Lily's readers sacrificed and gave for her.

Peter and Olga are going to be rescued soon as well, and their families are deep in the process of adopting them.

I truly believe it's just a matter of time until Albina's family comes forward for her. Maybe they're willing, but not sure they can commit without a large grant fund to help them. Maybe you're that family, and reading these words and looking at her beautiful face is all the convincing you need.

I know that there are those who will gladly give without any added incentive. But I'm so thankful for the generous hearts of those who decided to donate this fabulous prize just to make things fun:)

Canon Rebel Digital SLR camera

EOS Rebel T2i EF-S 18-55mm IS Kit
estimated retail price $799.99
The new flagship of the EOS Rebel line, Canon EOS Rebel T2i brings professional EOS features into an easy to use, lightweight digital SLR that's a joy to use. Featuring a class-leading 18.0 Megapixel CMOS Image Sensor and increased light sensitivity for low light photography, the EOS Rebel T2i also has an advanced HD Movie mode for gorgeous Full HD movies. Able to capture up to 3.7 frames per second, it's ready to go the minute it's picked up. Advanced Live View, a new wide-area screen, plus features like Canon's brilliant Auto Lighting Optimizer and Highlight Tone features ensure brilliant photos and movies, easily. With some of the most advanced features of any digital SLR, it's simply the best Rebel Canon has ever created

The rules are simple.

Donate a minimum of ten dollars to Albina at Reece's Rainbow and leave a comment on this post at A Perfect Lily saying you did so.

Blog or Facebook about this giveaway and leave a comment (on the giveaway post at A Perfect Lily) saying you did so (one comment for blogging, one for FBing).

The giveaway ends June 1st at midnight. Random.org will pick a winner from the comment section, and we will announce that winner Thursday June 2nd.

What if Albina were rescued ....because of you ?

Here we go!!!

2011-05-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday, friends! This will be my last time to talk to you before I leave for Mozambique. Oh. My. Word. I cannot believe this is really happening...!!!! So many parts of my brain are rebelling right now, I am all but speechless.

I am nervous. I am anxious. I am sad to leave my family behind. I am terrified of bugs and spiders. I do NOT enjoy sleeping in a cot or the type of plumbing (or lack thereof) I will be experiencing for the next two weeks.

I am excited. I am humbled. I am amazed at what God has already done to make this trip happen. I am looking forward to growing friendships among the team. I am ecstatic to meet and love on these women that I have been hearing about in our two years at our church. I am hopeful to see God do unbelievable things during our mission there.

See what I mean? My brain is on overload.

Unfortunately, I will not have internet access while I am in Mozambique. BUT I have great guest bloggers all lined up, as I mentioned before, and I am taking my laptop with me so that I can record every second of my time there and share it all with you when I get back.

Thank you for all of your prayers & support. I'll see you in June!

Playing Favorites

2011-05-20T07:32:00.000-04:00

Roo has a new obsession, and its name is Big Brother. No, not the reality TV show. What kind of mom do you think I am? (Don't answer that.) I mean his big brother--Monkey.

We first noticed it on Tuesday night at dinner. No matter what I tried to feed him, no matter which way we turned his high chair, he would squirm and wriggle until he could see his big brother.

But it hasn't gone away. When Monkey walks in the room, Roo just LIGHTS UP. He waves both hands in the air, "Look at me! Look at me!" He gets on his hands and knees and throws himself forward. And when Monkey gets close enough, Roo hugs and kisses him with glee.

It is one of the most heart-warming things I have ever seen. This complete and total, unadulterated, sincere love for his big brother.

Of course, it does make me feel a little bit bad for Lamb. She absolutely dotes on him--and will probably drive Mr. Fantastic nuts when I'm away because she will be so motherly--but she is not getting the same special attention. And I haven't managed to convince her het that the world doesn't revolve around her, so this is a particularly large blow.

But she will get plenty of hugs and kisses from her brother. He loves her too, of course.

But right now, Roo is playing favorites. And I'm kind of enjoying it.

Katy's Family Forest, Part 6

2011-05-18T06:17:00.000-04:00

I am definitely not an expert on domestic adoptions, so I don't really know what the typical one looks like or how or where that first meeting usually takes place. But I know that mine was special.

My parents met me at the hospital, the day after I was born. It was especially memorable for my dad, who hadn't gotten to hold his sons until they were out of the hospital—back in the days when dads were kept at arm's length during the hospital stay. This time, though, not only did he get to hold his newborn baby, but he got to feed her too. In fact, they wouldn't release me until I took a bottle for my parents, so my dad sat down, held me, and said, "I'm your daddy. And you need to drink this bottle." And I did. :-) See, I've always been a Daddy's Girl.

As I mentioned before, my parents had kept this whole adoption a secret, so they had some explaining to do when they got home. My brothers, now 8 and 10, suddenly had a new baby sister to figure out… but even they were easier to convince than our church family. No, they weren't opposed to the idea of my parents adopting a child—they just didn't believe it! About a week after they came home with me, they attended a church picnic. Everyone kept asking, "Whose baby is that?" "She's ours!" my parents would proudly respond. And then they'd hear, "……Nooooo… Whose is she really?" No one could believe that they had kept such a secret or that my parents' hopes of adoption had finally come true. But there I was!

Those of you who are familiar with domestic adoptions know that they aren't finalized overnight. Although my parents had taken me home rather quickly, it was several months before everything was official. In fact, the final adoption hearing wasn't held until February of 1980.

It's important here to remember that we're talking about an adoption that happened over (yikes!) 30 years ago. So before you read this and then e-mail me and say, "That's not right! We did this or know someone who did that or…" whatever, please remember that this was a long time ago. Some things have changed. Are we all on the same page? OK, then keep reading.

On the day of the final hearing, the judge took my parents into his office individually to ask them some questions. Both of them were a little nervous when he started asking about money. "Have you helped the biological mother with her expenses?" he asked. "Medical expenses? Helped her with her rent? Food? Clothing?" They explained that they had wanted to—had offered to—but that she had gotten a job with benefits, so she hadn't needed any help. Apparently a law had been passed during that time that said pregnancy could not be classified as a "pre-existing condition," so she was able to get everything covered. (As an aside, a friend of hers had also basically blackmailed my biological father into helping her financially through her pregnancy, so that helped to cover her non-medical costs.)

The judge continued to press them. "You didn't help the mother of your child at all?" At this point, I think they were more than a little anxious. Was he going to take away their baby because he thought they didn't care enough? Should they have insisted on helping with something—some costs along the way? But then the judge softened. "Good. You see, if you had given her even one cent, this would have been considered a black market adoption, and we would have had to take the baby away." Praise the Lord for working out those details—can you imagine if they had helped her financially, out of the goodness of their hearts, only to have it bite them by having their child taken by the courts?

The rest of the hearing went off without a hitch. And at the end, the judge admonished them that I was now fully theirs. "You are now responsible for her every need," he explained. "If she needs food, you provide it. If she needs clothing, you provide it. If she gets sick as you leave this courthouse, it is your responsibility—she is fully your daughter." They accepted this responsibility and left, now officially a family of five.

And the next week, I came down with pneumonia.

7 days and counting

2011-05-17T07:42:00.000-04:00

Good morning, my dear neglected bloggy friends. I really need to ~~ignore my children~~ ~~get less sleep~~ ~~neglect the laundry and dishes~~ post more often, I know. I am astounded at the bloggers who post deep, insightful posts full of pictures that they have taken, edited, and uploaded every day. I still consider it a victory if I shower most days.

But I felt the need to post today and tell you that one week from now, I will be on a plane. ONE WEEK from today I will be heading for New York, then Johannesburg, then Maputo, Mozambique. In SEVEN DAYS I will leave my children in the care of my husband (and mother-in-law and my parents and several very helpful friends--don't you love how many people it takes to fill in for one mom?!? :-) ) and I will head for a land full of bugs & spiders. OK, I know that there are bugs & spiders here too, but they're not nearly as scary.

Yep, it is just one week until our short-term mission. If you will notice, the ChipIn on the right is gone. That is because we have raised every single cent of support we needed--and more! Each individual on the team was asked to raise $1750 of the $3000 (per person) cost, and thanks to many of you, I was able to raise over $2700!!! In fact, our entire team is funded beyond what the church had asked, which is a fantastic blessing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This week is full of preparations... I am trying to get the house as clean as possible, prepare my lessons, get a few surprises ready for the kids for while I'm gone (including Lamb's birthday, which is two days before I get back!), and do all of the last-minute running. Not to mention, I'm trying to soak up every minute I can with my family. Oh my goodness, I am going to miss them. It is hard to find that balance between telling the kids how much I love and will miss them, and reminding them how important it is that I go on this mission.

Oh, and while I am gone, you will all be very well taken care of, so have no fear. I am excited to announce that I have some fabulous guest bloggers lined up, including Jamey from Zehlahlum Family, Erin from The Wonder Years, and Patti from A Perfect Lily--and maybe more, if I can get the details worked out by the end of the week. And of course, I'll still be posting my adoption story as well. So don't worry, you'll have more to read while I'm gone than you do while I'm here! lol :-)

Well, since I'm not in Africa yet, I suppose I should get back to reality and fold some laundry. Happy Tuesday!

The Weekend Zoo: Photo Session!

2011-05-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

Well, after a dreary day yesterday, both inside and out, we were in need of some levity here at the zoo. Luckily, we had some fun on the schedule for today. My parents had graciously given us money for pictures as Roo's birthday gift, so today we headed to a local photographer to get some shots of the kiddos. They took ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY pictures. That's the ACTUAL number of images on my disc, not just some exaggeration. And with kids as cute as mine ;-) it was hard to narrow it down, but here are a few of my favorites... (I don't have a good photo editor on my laptop, so yes, some of them might look better zoomed in or in B&W or something like that, but for now I just need to be quick...)

(I didn't order any of this one above, but I just love the goofy face. ;-) )

(I got this one with the hat in B&W!)

Yep, I'm pretty sure those are my hands there in the way on that last one, too. It looks like my chubby fingers...!

So there are my little models. ;-) Everyone was well-behaved and Mommy was quite proud of them all. Now I just need a trip to Kohl's for picture frames--lots & lots of picture frames...

Happy Saturday!

So cliche...

2011-05-13T19:58:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know. Last week I posted almost every day, and this week I've only managed to post once--well, twice, if you count this one. Believe me, it is not from a lack of material. And I do find it a bit ironic that there will actually be MORE activity on this blog when I'm gone than now when I'm home... but that's another story. Stay tuned for more information. (Don't ya just love how I leave you hanging sometimes? ;-) )

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Over Lamb's spring break, our family took a little daytrip, and at the end we had dinner with some friends we hadn't seen in a while. The husband of this family has been on multiple missions trips and was asking me about my Mozambique mission (11 days away now!!!). During the course of the conversation, he stressed to me how important it is to have prayer support--but, he added, not just DURING the trip. He encouraged me to ask people to pray for me and my family both before and after the trip as well, because the Enemy will attack any attempts he see to further God's kingdom.

I thought that was great advice, and I have been very appreciative of the prayer support I know we are getting. But I also have been thinking that things really seem to be going pretty well--no attacks, no major blowups, just the standard nerves that I had expected.

But friends... this week has just been... hard. I'm not going to go into it all here, but... it's been a hard week. Every time we turn around, something else happens. And then tonight... well, I think I have told you all before that I am not a fan of cliches. But tonight we got a very literal feel for the phrase "When it rains, it pours."

It's been a wet spring here as it is. April was the rainiest one on record for our area, and May hasn't been much dryer. We finally got a few nice days this week, but today we had some showers off and on again... until about 4:00, when the skies just absolutely opened up and it STORMED.

In the meantime, my dear Mr. Fantastic has had a rough day (the perfect ending to a crummy week), and he decided to stay late at the office to try to catch up on a few things. My parents had the boys (I don't think I've mentioned this on here, but I have started working for my hubby on Fridays now, so my mom and dad are keeping the boys while Lamb is at school.), so when Lamb got home we went out and decided to stay for the evening. Around 5:00, he called to tell me that one of our properties was flooded and he was heading out to check on things. He sounded so... defeated, I almost cried. He asked me to pray for him, and I did. Less than 10 minutes later, my mother-in-law (who also works for our company) called and asked if I knew where my husband was. I told her, and she told me that she was trying to get in touch with him to tell him that another of our properties is flooded as well. Apparently he wasn't answering his cell phone. I told her I would let him know if I talked to him first.

The kids and I left my parents' house around 6:30 so that I could get everyone to bed at a decent time, and I decided to call Mr. Fantastic on the way home to see how he was doing. I asked him what he was up to, and he said that he was currently in the crawl space in another of our properties that is flooded.

Really, Lord? Three? Tonight?

When it rains, it pours. And when it pours, it floods. And when it floods, people drown. I feel like I'm drowning, friends.

This too shall pass...

Right?

Katy's Family Forest, Part 5

2011-05-11T05:50:00.000-04:00

This is where it gets tricky. Not because it's uncomfortable to share, but just because I don't know where to start! Do I tell you my parents' story as they told it that day, without all of the background? Do I give the background and spoil the ending? Do I tell my birth mom's story first? Do I try to interweave the two????? Well, I don't expect you have the answers to those questions, either, so I might as well just pick a place to start and go with it. :-)

I sat down with my parents that day, expecting them to give me a basic layout of how they got me—maybe what agency they used or what county I was born in (I knew I was born within the state) or… something. I thought they would point me in the general direction of what courthouse was storing my super-secret-biological-records. I thought it would be a 15-minute talk.

I had no idea.

I'll start with some background information on my parents. They had two biological sons, but always wanted to adopt. My mom had been raised by her aunt and uncle after her biological mother died from complications during childbirth. She had five older siblings, and her dad just didn't feel capable of handling a farm, his five older children, and a newborn. She wasn't officially adopted, but her biological aunt and uncle were her real parents, my grandparents. She knew her biological father and siblings, but wasn't really raised with them. She was, for all intents and purposes, adopted, and she knew that she someday wanted to adopt, too.

The fact that they had two biological children made adoption (in the 1970's) difficult. I know that at least one time (maybe twice?) before I came along they actually had a placement, but when it came time for the final adoption hearing the judge overturned the decision, since they already had children. They looked into international adoption, but for whatever reason (I'm sure they told me, but I can't quite remember now… cost, maybe?... or maybe it just wasn't "clicking"…. I just don't remember…) that didn't come to fruition.

By the late 70's, they had all but given up. Then one day my grandma called my parents and said that she had found a bassinet that she wanted them to have—she firmly believed they would one day get the baby they were hoping for. (She was an amazing woman, but I never had the privilege of meeting her—she died about three months before I was born.) And another time, my dad had a dream that he would have a daughter named "Kathryn." They didn't know how realistic it was to hope anymore, but the hope was returning anyway.

And then one day, they got the phone call. My mom's sister was Dean of Women at a small Bible college. She had a student who was pregnant and who wanted to give her baby up for adoption… were they still interested?

I can't even begin to tell you the emotions and excitement and concern and everything else that my parents were going through then, because, well, I wasn't there. I can't even tell you a lot of the details about how it all happened. But I'll tell you as much as I know…

The adoption was handled privately (without an agency). My parents and my birth mom both used the same lawyer, so that everything would go as smoothly as possible. And when it came time to go before the judge, my birth mom specifically told him that she wanted my parents to have her baby because they already had children—she wanted her baby to have siblings. It was all coming together.

Meanwhile, my parents kept this whole situation a secret—not even their parents knew. Only my aunt, who had "introduced" my birth mom and parents (They had actually never met, but you know what I mean...), had any idea. As hopeful as my parents were, they had been burned before and didn't want to start spreading the news too quickly.

And then, it happened. They got the phone call that it was time. Their new baby girl was here—July 13, 1979.

Before & After

2011-05-09T12:16:00.000-04:00

It has been one week since our visit with the nutritionist, and Roo has been eating us out of house & home ever since. While the doctor we had seen before had emphasized increasing Roo's formula/milk intake (which didn't work at all) and adding empty calories to the food he was already eating (which I didn't like), the nutritionist put more importance on the overall balance of Roo's diet and increasing calories in ways that I thought made more sense. (She also said that Roo's dairy intake should be about what the doctor recommended, but that about half of it could easily come from yogurt, cheese, etc.)

So here's a little before & after look into Roo's diet:

Drinking:
Before -- 12-16 ounces of formula, mixed to 24 calories
After -- 12-16 ounces, a mixture of toddler formula mixed to 24 calories and whole milk

Breakfast:
Before -- Baby cereal mixed with fruit, a total of 4 oz
After

4 oz of baby cereal (mixed with about 2 ounces of whole milk)
4 ounces of applesauce
1 scrambled egg, mixed with whole milk and shredded cheese

Lunch:
Before -- 1 jar of baby food, fruit or vegetable
After

1-2 jars of baby food
Several bites of a banana or a cooked veggie
An ounce or two of whatever meat we're having (chicken, ham, tuna, etc)
1/2 - 1 container of yogurt

Dinner:
Before -- 2 jars of baby food (one fruit, one veggie)
After

Remember lunch? Repeat that, but add to it.

Yeah, I'd say he has increased his caloric intake, wouldn't you?!? So I decided to do a very scientific experiment... I got on the scale with Roo and then subtracted my weight. And wouldn't you know it... He weighs SIXTY-FIVE POUNDS now!!!! Can you believe it?!? Oh wait... I subtracted what I want my weight to be, not my actual weight. Let's try that again...

OK, so he actually weighs over 17 pounds now (No doing the math in your head, please. My current diet plan is to eat nothing but mangos & rice for two weeks in Mozambique... and sweat the rest of the weight off during that time as well...)--which is a gain of more than 1/2 pound in the last WEEK. And since roughly December, he had been gaining 1/2 - 1 pound per MONTH. Now that's what I call progress!

And for your viewing pleasure, a few shots of my & my babies on Mother's Day...

The Weekend Zoo: Story Problems

2011-05-07T07:51:00.000-04:00

Lately Mr. Fantastic has been giving the big kids math problems for fun. (Yep, we are an entire household of dorks.) The kids love it, and I have been amazed at their math capabilities. It is so neat to see the wheels turning and to watch how they figure things out. Questions like, “If each of our chickens laid two eggs, how many eggs would we have?” would make me cringe at first because I was certain they were too hard. But when Monkey came up with 8, I was astounded.

Well, a few days ago, Monkey and I were eating lunch, and by some minor miracle… it was quiet. I don’t know why, but I felt the need to change that. So I asked Monkey some story problems. He answered a few, and then decided that he wanted to be the “asker.” Oh boy, I thought, let’s see where this goes. So here are the questions I had to answer…

• Let’s say there are 100 houses in this area. And we wanted to visit all of them… and the library. What time do we get home?

• One day, 100 kids came over to play. And we were all out in the backyard. And only 2 of them were playing with Lamb. And then some villains came and went into our house. But we were all outside. And then there was a fire, and the villains ran out. And they stopped, dropped, and rolled. Why won’t the fire come off of them?

Hmmmm… Now I’m not sure if he’s going to be a mad scientist or a philosopher…

Winners!

2011-05-05T06:33:00.000-04:00

Good morning! Can I just say, you all amaze me! In ONE DAY, our contest went from nine entries to THIRTY-FIVE! Wow! (I know there are 37 comments on that post, but 2 of them are mine, and I thought it might look a little bit hinky if I won my own contest. And yes, I just said "hinky." Deal with it.)

So thank you all again for your entries and your confessions. I loved them all! If I had to award these gift cards on the basis of the top 2 confessions, I wouldn't be able to do it. You're all great, and many many many of those confessions sounded just a little too familiar. ;-)

Alright, I've got quite a busy day ahead of me, and I am on my 3rd day in a row of only getting 5 hours of sleep, so I need to do this and go start caffeine loading. So without further ado...

The winner of the $10 Starbucks gift card is... Comment #21, posted by Beth!

And the winner of the $25 Kohl's gift card is... Comment #22, posted by Jan!

Congratulations to both of you!!! I will be contacting you this morning. And thanks again to everyone for being part of the giveaway.

Have a great day!

Katy's Family Forest, Part 4

2011-05-04T08:00:00.006-04:00

I think maybe I should clarify here. My answer wasn't so much "no" as it was "not right now." Somewhere in that jumbled, teenaged brain of mine, I was able to recognize that I couldn't handle any more drama right then. My brain, my heart, my emotions—they were all on overload at that point in my life. And although I was curious to find my biological family, I already knew who my real family was, and that was enough.

The rest of that summer continued to be eventful. My parents and I enjoyed our trip, first south in California to see my aunt and uncle, then north to Seattle to see my brother and sister-in-law. When we returned I started getting ready for college. And then… just a few weeks before I left for school, our house was robbed! It was just the finishing touch on an unbelievable summer. I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't been prepared for all that God had in store for that year.

Shortly after that, I left for Heidelberg College (now Heidelberg University). Can I be honest here? As you know, I am reposting this story from my previous blog, and this is my least favorite entry. I really struggle with going into this part of it. I do want to tell you the story of my adoption, and nothing happened in that arena at this time… but this is also my story, and I want to tell you what was going on with me in the time before my parents and I had "the talk." ;-) So here is the short version………

The freshman year of college is tough, especially for kids who go away from home. And God is so good—it was so clear that He had laid out a beautiful bridge to ease my transition into this new environment. During my college visit months before, He had basically plopped me into the middle of wonderful connections and opportunities that were awaiting me that September. All I had to do was step onto that bridge.

But I didn't. Instead I kicked off my shoes and went wading through the white water. I struggled and stumbled and plowed through. I knew that at any time, He would lift me up out of the river and put me back on that bridge if I just asked, but I refused. I still got to the other side, but I was exhausted and felt like a fool for doing it the hard way.

Let me sum up my freshman year of college this way: I crave acceptance… approval… affirmation. I long to fit in. It's something that I wrestle with now, but back then I wasn't even fighting it. Unfortunately, I also didn't use this trait to my advantage—you know, by seeking the approval of people like my professors, boss, or God. No, it was my peers whose acceptance I needed, and I worked so hard for it that I didn't have much time for anything else.

I carried that same baggage with me into the summer, when I worked at Sea World. I enjoyed my job (working in the education department), but I was just consumed with being a part of the "in" crowd to the point that it affected my work. I look back now and I am so sad for that girl. I wish that I could go back, take her by the shoulders, and shake some sense into her!

The crowning moment of the summer came in early August. I had been dating someone throughout the summer, and I was head over heels in love in a way that I hadn't known was possible. I had stupidly agreed to his "rules" that we not date exclusively—again, because I was so desperate for him to like me. But I was in deep, after just a few short months. I just knew that at any moment he would "let" me be his girlfriend. (Oy, why are teenage girls so stupid when it comes to boys?)

And then one day… nothing. He would no longer speak to me, look at me, acknowledge me. Instead I found out from a mutual friend that he was now dating someone else—a result of our (or at least his) "non-exclusivity." He told this mutual friend (and anyone else who would listen, I soon found out), "Katy was nice, but I was just hanging out with her until I met someone I really liked." Pow! My heart was shattered, and I hurt in a place inside myself that I didn't know existed.

During the previous summer, I had postponed the talk of my adoption because I felt like I couldn't handle one more blow. This summer, though, I was looking for a fight. I felt like so many things were spinning out of control, and this suddenly seemed like something that I could grasp. I had control over whether or not I talked to my parents about it; I had control over how far I went with the search. I needed to feel in charge of something.

I came home from work a day or so after the breakup (if you can call it that) and told my mom that I was ready. The following Sunday we went to church, we sat down to a nice lunch, and when we were finished eating, they started in on the story—my story.

Milestone Alert!

2011-05-03T14:11:00.001-04:00

Look at this cute face. This is a typical way for Roo to sit...

...relatively stable, but always with his hands on the ground for support.

Don't you love the goofy way he sticks his tongue out? That's his favorite new trick.

And now look at this...

Look Ma, no hands!!!!!! Wow!

Of course, then he was so excited when I cheered for him that he promptly fell over... but still, he did it! We have been working and praying for this for months, and today a friend of mine was over and set him on the floor... and he picked his hands right up and started playing, no problem! Yay for a little sunshine on a dreary day. :-)

Lessons Learned

2011-05-03T05:48:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was an educational day here at the zoo. Here are a few of the lessons I learned…

Murphy's Law has not yet been rescinded. Lamb didn't want to wake up this morning (We had a HUGE weekend.), so we were running about 10 minutes behind schedule when Mr. Fantastic called to say I might want to leave a little bit early for school. (We carpool with a neighbor, and I drive in the mornings.) Apparently some work was being done on the railroad tracks today, and if you know where I live, you know that I pretty much can't go anywhere without crossing railroad tracks. As it turned out, the FOUR shortest routes to the school from our house were closed. We did make it to school on time, but I can't say we were as early as I would have liked. In the meantime, Lamb (in her sleep-deprived emotionally fragile state) had a complete meltdown at the door to the school over a toy that she traded with a friend last week. Gotta love the timing.
Babies (and who knows, maybe it's just babies with fine motor delays) don't know to screw the tops on their own bottles. So if one were to hand a bottle with a loose ring on it to a baby… that baby is likely to just tip it up and try to drink it. Go figure.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. I really dislike clichés, but this one was true for me today. A huge thank you to the TWO friends who volunteered to take Monkey for the morning, after I worried on Facebook about taking him with me to Roo's nutritionist appointment. I talked to the first friend who offered and worked it all out, and then it warmed my heart to see that someone else had offered too! Monkey had way more fun playing with his friend than he would have sitting in that tiny meeting room.
Mr. Fantastic is a valuable asset at doctor's appointments. The nutritionist appointment went fine, but I could have used my logically-minded husband there to ask the questions that didn't pop into my mind until later. (And don't you ever tell him I said that—it'll go straight to his head. ;-) ) For instance, the nutritionist told me to aim for 600 calories a day for Roo. When I got home and did the math, I realized that he's already getting that many… and he's obviously not gaining enough… so how much should I increase it? I'll call her today and find out.
Cops like McDonald's too. When I got close to home after Roo's appointment, I had forgotten about all of the road closures around my house… and then I forgot that I told Monkey I'd take him out to lunch… and then I missed a turn… and so somehow I was doing 60 MPH in a 50 MPH zone when I drove past a state trooper, who was pulled off to the side of the road. He pulled onto the road behind me, and I just knew that I was caught. I warned Monkey that I was going to need him to be quiet when the nice policeman was talking to Mommy, and I kept driving. I signaled that I was going to take the next exit, and so did he. I turned right at the end of the ramp, and so did he. I went straight through the next light, and so did he. My heart was POUNDING in my chest (which is just plain silly—why on earth do I get so sick at the thought of a speeding ticket, for goodness sake?), but still no lights on the police car. I signaled to turn right into McDonald's… and so did he. Could he really just be ready for a Double Cheeseburger? Is he debating about pulling over a Soccer Mom? What's going on? I ordered, paid, and pulled up to get my food… and they asked me to pull forward and wait. Noooooo… He wouldn't have told the person taking orders to have them make me wait so that he could give me a ticket, would he??? I pulled up and stopped. The police officer pulled up to the window and got a bag of food… and drove right past me without even looking over. I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath, but oh did I ever start breathing then…! I still think he had originally intended to pull me over. I wonder what changed his mind.
Daddy Time trumps Bed Time, every time. Mr. Fantastic worked late last night, but he came home around 6:30 to grab some dinner and feed the chickens. (Ahhhh… the chickens…) He didn't know that I was putting the big kids to bed ridiculously early to make up for the fact that they hardly slept all weekend, so he asked them if they wanted to go out and feed the chickens with him. I debated about stepping in, but decided that it was more important that they spare me from having to take care of the chickens spend some time with Daddy than that they get to bed 15 minutes earlier. I'm glad that they could have that time together, and that they are so enjoying their new venture. (And truth be told, I'm happy about having fresh eggs. So far we've gotten 2 dozen!)

I think that's enough lessons for one day. And let's not forget the important lesson that Lamb feels the need to keep reminding me about: Keep the special plate away from the van.